Doctor Odd was hardly a law-abiding man.
“I follow the laws of physics and the universe,” he often said.
From his various experiments, you’d think he was lying about that.
But he’d pull out a chalkboard and prove how what he did was possible.
Not that people could understand any of the formulas and calculations.
“If it wasn’t possible, it wouldn’t exist,” he said, pointing at the talking monkey or time machine or whatever he’d created.
But when law enforcement showed up to arrest Doctor Odd, he’d vanish into another universe and leave a supernova bomb.
To erase the evidence.
Category: My stories
On to the moon
The Pope looked out the window at the moon.
“They want a cardinal,” he said.
“They have a cardinal,” said his assistant.
“He lives here and uses the radiolink,” said the Pope. “That’s not good enough for them.”
First went priests. To tend to the Catholics there.
Then, they needed a bishop to administer them.
One was promoted to archbishop to oversee the cathedral construction.
And then…
“What happens when I call a consistory? Can they come back? They must come back. God forbid, a conclave!”
They talked through the night, argued and debated, and they solved nothing at all.
Hank and Gladys Again
Hank had always thought that stage magic was fake, but standing there, his legs swapped with Gladys’, he knew it was real.
“Can I have my legs back?” Hank asked the magician.
The magician nodded, and his assistants brought out two chairs.
Hank sat in one, Gladys sat in the other.
The magician covered them with a cloth, waved his wand, and pulled away the cloth.
Hank and Gladys stood up on their own legs.
But now had each others middles.
“Don’t even think it,” said Gladys.
Hank groped himself anyway.
Gladys punched Hank’s lights out with his own fist.
Hank and Gladys
Hank and Gladys liked magician stage performances.
One night, they volunteered for a double sawing act, and their lower halves were swapped.
Instead of his pants and shoes, Hank now had Gladys’ heels and skirt.
And legs, hips, and ass.
He peeked under the skirt.
No panties, freshly waxed.
If he had his cock, it would be hard as a rock.
“Hank!” hissed Gladys, standing on Hank’s legs.
Hank grabbed the magician. “Hey, mind giving me my junk back?”
The magician waved his wand.
And the skirt under Hank’s skirt tented up a bit.
“Ha ha,” said Hank. “Very funny.”
The naughty nurses
After every major dental surgery, I’m only allowed to eat soft and bland foods.
Primarily, it’s just oatmeal, pudding, applesauce, and yogurt.
Maybe some smooth soups if they’re not very hot.
Just because the food is bland, it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it, right?
So, I hire hookers to eat with me.
I smear the food all over their bodies and lick it off.
After we’re done, we shower together.
My insurance won’t cover them as medical assistants.
But we’ll see if I can get away with writing their medical services and naughty nurse costumes off of my taxes.
Dr. Odd and the wise man
A wise man once said that you cannot see yourself in the mirror with your eyes closed.
Doctor Odd invented a mirror with a one second delay.
Sure, it was dangerous to use for shaving, but at least it let him see himself in the mirror with his eyes closed.
“That’s not a real mirror,” said the wise man. “A mirror reflects reality, and that mirror doesn’t.”
Doctor Odd got out a chalkboard and demonstrated that mirrors already have a tiny delay from reality due to the speed of light.
The wise man shrugged. “I said it because I’m blind.”
Lucy’s laundry
Lucy likes to slip clothes into a guy’s load of laundry to flirt.
“Oh, that’s mine,” she says, as a guy hands over a bra or panties.
Sometimes, she sneaks in a little more.
The guy pulls out a breast, and Lucy waits a while. Watches him turn it over, squeeze it. And then…
“Oh my God!” says Lucy.
She grabs it and stuffs it in her shirt.
“Is the other one in there?” she asks.
The guy hands it over, and she puts in back in place.
“Do they look they’re on straight?” she says, pulling up her shirt.
Relaxed at work
I replaced my office chair with a recliner. It’s very comfortable.
I put an aromatherapy oil diffuser on my desk. It’s very relaxing.
I have an electric kettle for herbal tea. It keeps me nice and calm.
I keep the office door closed. Nice and quiet and no interruptions.
I keep the window shades up just a bit to let natural sunlight in.
And there’s a Galileo thermometer as well as a classic radiometer from a science museum soaking up the sun.
All this to stay nice and relaxed at work.
And, maybe, I might get some work done.
Nah.
President Trump
President Trump.
Those two words send so many people into conniption fits.
But they’re a fact. He was the president.
As much as you say he wasn’t, he still was.
For all the hateful, deranged things you say, it doesn’t change a thing.
In fact, I think there’s more people out there saying hateful, deranged things.
Because unemployment was down, which means people are getting jobs.
And their jobs seemed to be all about saying hateful, deranged things.
Sure, saying hateful, deranged things doesn’t pollute the environment or generate toxic waste.
But it polluted society, and it is socially toxic.
Miss
The servant robot had been making a lot of mistakes lately.
A diagnostic showed that the robot loves his mistress.
So, she had him reprogrammed with memories of falling in love with her.
And then everything going terribly wrong, and how they agreed never to try again.
Oh, and that he’d agreed to stay on as servant, more devoted than ever because of the love they’d have and could never have again.
He still did all the chores, all of the drudgework.
Better than ever.
But sometimes, she’d hear him whisper “I miss you.”
So, she disabled his speech processor.