Category: My stories

At the protest, Cindy threw a rock at a cop.
It bounced off of his riot shield and came back at Cindy.
It struck her in the forehead, knocking her out cold.
Cindy woke up in an ambulance, handcuffed to the stretcher.
“It’s going to be a while,” said the paramedic standing over her. “Your friends have all of the roads blocked.”
That’s when the ambulance started to rock back and forth.
“Shit!” said the driver. “Get out!”
He bolted from his door, while the paramedic escaped from the back.
Cindy screamed as the stretcher tipped over, breaking her neck.

Word came to Prague that Emperor Rudolf was about to order a massacre.
So Rabbi Loew dredged clay from the river and constructed a golem.
Placing the shem in its mouth, “Protect us, Yosef,” ordered the holy man.
And the monster did, smiting and repelling hundreds of soldiers.
Word came to Prague that Emperor Rudolf had made a wife for the golem.
Even if it was just a beautiful statue, that didn’t matter to the monster.
It went mad with desire, smiting hundreds more.
Rabbi Loew somehow managed to remove the shem.
And he waited for the soldiers to come.

In the 2000 election, Bush won the presidency, despite losing the popular vote.
Protestors demonstrated, rioted, and whined that he was “Selected Not Elected.”
They threatened and begged the Electoral College to change the results.
Academics and journalists kept up that slogan for years.
Then, in 2016, Trump won the presidency, despite losing the popular vote.
More protests, more riots, and more whining.
More threats and begging, too.
If the country wants to change to a direct popular vote, let it ratify a Constitutional Amendment to abolish the Electoral College.
Or will we suffer another sixteen years of your bullshit?

After the elephants went extinct, people started seeing the ghosts of elephants everywhere.
In the empty enclosures at the zoo…
In the middle of traffic…
In elevators…
In restaurants…
They weren’t mass delusions, because everybody saw them.
When an elephant ghost appeared on television, everybody saw it.
The elephants just stood there, minding their own business.
They’d fan their ears, dip their trunks, turn their heads to one side or the other.
And then slowly vanish again.
Scientists have frozen elephant sperm, eggs, and embryos.
But they’re not sure how to gestate them into elephants.
Until then, the ghosts appear.

After Trump won the election, a lot of people didn’t feel safe.
Gays. Blacks. Illegal immigrants. Muslims.
So, someone suggested that people wear safety pins to show that they’re safe.
Never mind that they’re kinda hard to see from a distance.
And anyone can put on a safety pin, even if they’re not safe.
What if you see a safety pin on a Klan robe?
Or on the beret of a New Black Panther?
Me, I’ll look for a policeman’s badge.
And if I’m doing something that makes me fear the police, I deserve whatever I have coming to me.

Every summer at the beach, Dad and I would assemble a box kite, and fly it over the dunes.
Just as his dad did with him.
And I do with my kids.
And my kids will do with theirs.
When the kite is too worn or damaged to fly, a new one is assembled.
When the father is too worn or damaged, the staff try to repair him, blowing sand from his gears.
And if they can’t, a new one is assembled.
Same with the kids.
The tourists take photos with their smartphones.
And buy box kites, and fly them.

Maria turned off the water in the shower, slipped, fell, and broke her neck.
“Good morning,” said the mirror. “I’ve selected an outfit for you today.”
Robots pulled the proper bins from the basement up to her bedroom closet.
“I’ve determined the best hairstyle to go with it.”
The groomer system dried and styled her hair into place.
Finally, the mirror suggested a makeup look that would complement that outfit.
An applicator came out of the wall, and covered her face.
“Close your eyes,” said the mirror.
The mirror repeated its request for hours before it called Maintenance for assistance.

We bring slaves and prisoners to the Gorgon’s island.
They chew the petals of the bliss flower, and fall into a dreamy stupor.
So many pretty colors and sounds and spells.
Follow them! Chase them!
They wander the island, laughing and smiling and then…
The Gorgon awakens, and crawls out of her cave.
One by one, she finds the intruders, gazing into their eyes, and turning them to stone.
Gorgon pulls some weeds from the ground, chews them, and crawls back to her cave.
We drag the statues back to the boat and set sail.
The king will pay handsomely.

The monks bend over the floor and rub styluses against their sticks of colored chalk.
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Slowly, the wheel forms, and together they create intricate symmetrical whorls and loops and bends and curves.
The monks hum and chant as they build the patterns.
Not once do they speak. Only through their prayers do they keep the flow.
They change direction all at once, like a flock of birds shifting in the wind.
Coming closer at the center, scratching circles of shifting color.
And then, they finish.
The master nods, takes out a broom, and sweeps the chalk away.

Whoopi Goldberg said that she’d leave the country if Donald Trump won.
Then, when Trump won, she said it was only a joke.
Eventually, her agent got her booked for a few gigs in Europe.
But when she tried to come home, her passport was declared invalid.
“Sorry,” said the embassy’s passport control officer. “Your passport was revoked. You’ll need to apply for a new one. Fill out this form, provide two forms of identification, a photo, and the fee.”
She waited four weeks, and then another four weeks after she explained why her driver’s license said Caryn Elaine Johnson.