Down there, at the convention hall.
Fanatics in their red, white, and blue dresses and suits and oversized floppy top hats, waving their flags.
Their finest flag drag, the more outrageous, the more patriotic they think they are.
Cheering and screaming. Louder and louder.
Pathetic.
it’s nothing more than a concentration camp for fools who still believe that the system works, run by those who know that the system doesn’t, because they’ve subverted and perverted it for personal gain.
Red, white, and blue instead of grey and white pajamas.
What if there were firing squads? What if there were ovens.
Category: My stories
The Preacher
Ever seen The Preacher on television?
He also offers to accompany wanted suspects to the police station.
“The police will kill him if they see him,” he tells the family. “But if he turns himself in through me, I’ll protect him.”
But the truth is, The Preacher just wants to collect the reward.
Being a religious official, he can pocket that money tax-free.
Once the suspect is in custody, he rants and raves to the media.
And then goes home to champagne and steak.
The family calls. They ask for help in getting an attorney.
The Preacher blocks their number.
Doctor Odd’s Laundry
Vinegar, ammonia, and hydrogen peroxide are three things you can use to remove bloodstains from clothes.
But for a famous mad scientist like Doctor Odd, such simple chemistry is beneath him.
Nor is he willing to waste time arguing with the corner laundry. Their prices are unreasonably high, and use too much starch.
Instead, he uses his time machine to return to a time before the blood stained his clothes.
But, by protecting his earlier self, his future self ends up with the bloodstains.
Dr. Odd shrugs, changes clothes, puts on a smock, and heads back in time once again.
Doctor Odd vs The Author
The famous writer Herbert Tosspot says never to piss off a writer, because they can torture and murder you over and over in their writing.
You should also not piss off famous mad scientist Doctor Odd, who invented a machine which tortures and murders people, then resurrects the victim back to a living, healthy, and conscious state.
Only to torture them again.
Herbert wrote a nasty biography of Doctor Odd.
So, Doctor Odd put Herbert in his machine, and it tortured and murdered Herbert over and over again.
The publisher, afraid for his own life, quietly burned all the books.
Home Theater
It costs five more dollars to see a movie in the super big screen theater.
Not only do you get the super big screen and an ultra digital high resolution picture, but the audio is diamond-clear surround sound. And the seats are the most relaxing and comfortable seats you have ever sat in.
But the popcorn is stale, the Cokes watered-down, and the bathrooms are disgusting.
Want to solve all that?
Watch the damn movie at home with a decent home theater system.
You can hit pause when you have to go to the bathroom.
Unless your seat’s a toilet.
The spiderman
Have you seen the spiderman.
No, not Spiderman. The spiderman. Lower case S.
He’s a homeless guy who hangs around Third Avenue.
Why is he called the spiderman?
Because he’s got spiders crawling all over him.
But don’t stare at him. Or take photos.
Because he’ll scoop up a wad of spiders and throw them at you.
It’s funny when you see him doing it to someone, throwing spiders at them.
Screaming and running all crazy, trying to swat the spiders away.
Until he catches you starting at him.
So, can you help me get these spiders off of me?
The fred
The Fred could fill a stadium.
Usually, he filled it with people, and they all cheered for him.
But one time, The Fred demanded that the stadium be filled with pudding.
Was there enough pudding? How much would it cost to make and transport to the stadium?
The Fred didn’t care. He demanded that this be done.
Charities condemned The Fred for his wastefulness. “What about the starving masses of the world?”
“Bring them to the stadium!” he said, “And bring plenty of spoons!”
And so, the stadium filled with people, waving their pudding-covered spoons as they cheered for him.
Pray for
After every terrorist attack, social media erupts with “Pray” hashtags and calls for peace.
So, when the police caught a bomber, they brought him to the interrogation center.
Locked in a cell, the man shouted Koranic verses.
Then, he shouted for a lawyer.
After that, he shouted for food and water.
Outside the door of his room, guards sat and prayed.
“Aren’t you going to do anything?” said guards from the next shift.
The guards invited them to join in prayer.
So, they did, and after a few days, the shouting and screaming stopped.
“Finally, some peace,” said a guard.
Hell on
People say she’s really Hell on Wheels, but she’s more like Hell on Furniture Casters, sliding around the dining room floor and scuffing up the hardwood.
If Hell has frozen over, you could say someone was Hell on Ice Skates, or maybe if it’s snowed there, you could try for Hell on Skis or Hell on a Sled.
A flooded Hell could be Hell on Waterskis. Or Hell on Pontoons.
Maybe a Hell on a Raft.
But one day, maybe Hell on a Hoverboard will be possible.
And it’s not like anyone would care if it catches on fire, right?
Black Lives Matter
They call themselves Black Lives Matter.
And demand that nobody say All Lives Matter.
They say that’s racist.
Even though only saying Black Lives Matter is the racist statement.
Because it focuses on a single race.
They say you should assume it really means Black Lives Matter Too.
Or Black Lives Also Matter.
But if that’s the case, why don’t they add those words?
Once again, they say that’s racist.
Just as they say it’s dangerous to put deadly force in the hands of police,
I think it’s dangerous to put deadly accusations in the hands of activists like these.