It started with a simple cheer: Hooray!
But, sadly, things got out of hand quickly.
Some people would give three cheers: Hip Hip Hooray!
(Whatever happened to double cheers, I don’t know. And where did the Hips come from?)
After that, people started five cheers… seven cheers… twelve cheers…
Some people did nothing but cheer all day long. And for inconsequential shit, too.
Like, you know. Cheering. Cheering for cheering.
Pretty soon, everybody was cheering all day long. And some people even cheered in their sleep.
Which, in the end, left no time for getting anything done to cheer about.
Category: My stories
Hume’s Guillotine
David Hume saved up his money for a guillotine, but he was shocked to learn that shipping and handling were not included in the cost.
So, he borrowed a horse and cart from friends, and headed out to the craftsman to pick up his guillotine.
Despite having directions and a detailed map, he never did manage to find his way out to the craftsman’s.
“This is more difficult than going from ‘is’ to ‘ought’!” he whined.
The horse wondered how Hume managed to pay the craftsman in the first place, let alone submit the order.
But nobody listens to horses.
Elephescalator
The escalator was invented long before there was an electric motor capable of powering it.
Elephants were used to power the demonstration models, but nobody wanted a basement filled with those things. They’re big, smelly, and expensive to feed.
Plus, elephant poop.
This made the escalator a really hard sell for the inventor, because building owners weren’t willing to pay so much for a heavy, ugly staircase.
“One day, those steps will move!” the inventor would shout.
People thought he was drunk. Or overdoing the medicinal cocaine and heroin.
He rode the elephants home and sold them to the circus.
Battery Power
Rosie has a cell phone.
She uses it a lot. Mostly to send Twitter updates.
She uses it so much, she runs out of battery power constantly.
And Tweets about it.
“Did you change the thing before we left?” I ask.
“Yes!” she shouts, and Tweets some more complains about low battery power.
So, I gave her my portable battery charger and bought a bigger one for myself.
“Here, take this.”
Now, she runs out of power on the phone AND the portable battery charger. Or she forgets the cord.
So, I bought earplugs. And I turn up my music loud.
Pardon my French
In Paris, hundreds of Muslims and Arabs assaulted Jews at a synagogue and shouted “Jews leave France!” The Jews barricaded themselves in the synagogue for safety from the angry mob.
A synagogue is not an embassy or state institution. It is a religious institution. Protesting a synagogue by definition is anti-Semitism, and attacking Jews for being Jews in a synagogue is a hate crime.
France claims to be a Western democracy that supports freedom of religion, the rights of the individual, and the rule of law.
If anyone should be expelled from France, it’s those freedom-hating angry Muslims and Arabs.
Star Pupil
The trays they have in the school cafeteria are the same as the trays in the prison.
I know it’s just a coincidence, but with the dropout rate and the gang problem, I guess it’s good to have some stability in their lives.
Me, I teach. At the school during the week, and at the prison over weekends and holidays.
Some of my worst students in the school turned out to be the best students in the prison.
It’s good to get a second chance, I always say. For them. And for me, I suppose.
It makes me try harder.
Carrot delinquents
When I go to the grocery store, I like to put bags of baby carrots in other people’s carts.
I do this because if you don’t find a good home for baby carrots, they grow up unloved and without discipline, and they become juvenile delinquent carrots.
Or worse… they end up dead, and their bodies are chopped up for carrot cakes.
Trust me. The last thing you want is a carrot cake with a police record.
Best to find them homes now so they can be eaten before they turn into society’s problem.
If only more carrots practiced safe sex.
Garbage Days
On Monday, we roll the garbage out from the garage to the curb.
On Tuesday, garbage men come by to collect the garbage.
On Wednesday, the city sends people around to fine those who do not roll their empty garbage cans back into their garages.
Sometimes, neighbors will be nice and do that for you Tuesday night if you haven’t done it yet yourself.
While others will roll their empties on to your curb on Wednesday morning, just to fuck with you.
That’s when you chuck their empty garbage cans through their front window.
And burn their goddamned house down.
Swapping Lunches
Jamie doesn’t like the lunches that her mother packs.
Neither does Ricky.
So, they began to trade lunches.
Now Ricky can have the corn chips he loves so much, and Jamie gets tuna salad sandwiches.
Except that Ricky is allergic to corn. See the rash on his neck? That’s not a good thing.
And Jamie is allergic to the mayonnaise in the sandwiches. She’s about to vomit… and there she goes.
All over Ricky, who’s clutching his throat and wheezing.
I’m sure that their parents will blame the school again.
Have you got the epipens?
Good. I’ll call an ambulance.
Life and shit
When Life hands you shit, make sure that you and Life wash hands before returning to work.
While you’re at it, you can use the shit to write your thank you note. Just be careful how you put it in the envelope to keep the message from getting smeared and ruined.
Then, be sure to keep the shit somewhere safe so you can regift it back to Life at the Christmas Party. Oh, the look on people’s faces when they see Life opening that present up and seeing the shit Life gave you.
And the look on Life’s face… priceless!