Category: My stories

When the Union needed a place to bury all those dead soldiers during the Civil War, Lincoln had them commandeer Robert E. Lee’s house and estate so the enemy general could never go home.
Over the years, hundreds and thousands of soldiers and politicians and important people are buried there.
And then there’s the Kennedys.
Three alcoholic, drug-addicted date-rapists and the money-grubbing socialite that was already halfway out the door when the bullet splattered her husband’s brains across the limousine in Dallas.
An eternal flame burns at the site. The flames are much, much hotter where their eternal souls reside.

Whoever shot Ben and threw his body into the canal, we’ll never know.
He fell with a splash.
Ben floated downstream, and when he reached the High Bank Locks, the lockmaster took out Ben’s wallet, charged Ben the toll, and allowed Ben to float further downstream.
The lockmasters at Charm Fields, Fenton, and Greenmoor did the same.
Ben had just enough to get him to the river, and tourists took photos of him as he passed through Port Burke.
Eventually, the cops got involved.
Fishing him out of the water and arresting him for running the canal without a permit.

When Freddy bought cigarettes, he showed his ID.
When Freddy bought some beer, he showed his ID.
When Freddy used his credit card, he showed his ID.
When Freddy picked up his prescription, he showed his ID.
When Freddy checked in for a flight, he showed his ID.
When Freddy was stopped for speeding, he showed his ID.
When Freddy bought a gun, he showed his ID.
When Freddy went to vote, he refused to show his ID.
You know, because it’s racist voter suppression by hateful Nazis.
And then Freddy bought more beer.
(He showed his ID for that.)

I know an asshole who was a restaurant industry attorney and lobbyist.
Ensuring that kids who got hurt in fast food restaurants couldn’t sue.
Viciously smearing people who were sickened by the unhealthy products.
Screwing over franchisees with insane contracts, supplier price hikes, and map stacking.
Colluding with others in the industry to bribe lawmakers at every level for minimal safety standards and no employee benefits.
The Diabetes, Obesity, Heart Disease, Cancer, Poverty, and Stroke industry eventually chewed him up and spit him out.
He ended up with all of those conditions eventually, until he wasted away.
Poetic justice, much?

My grandmother had severe dementia and Alzheimer’s.
She lived to 99 and drained my parents dry.
So when my mother was diagnosed with both conditions, I asked my father what the plans were.
He said he had plans. And didn’t tell me.
They moved to a city near me.
Then, when my father got sick, instead of putting my mother in a facility or getting a caretaker, I was stuck babysitting her.
Turns out his plans were to dump her on me.
So I came up with a plan, too.
I’ve blocked everybody’s calls, and to hell with those assholes.

I lived in a suburb of Columbus for nine years.
There wasn’t much to do there.
It was a dry town, but there was beer and more surrounding it.
Marijuana grew wild by the train tracks.
We’d harvest it by the bag and put it in a guy’s attic to dry.
Except that it was too wet and soaked through their ceiling, which collapsed.
So, we dried it in a model home’s oven at night.
I didn’t smoke any, though.
I just sold it in school. But for cheap.
Because the more they were stoned, the better the grade curve.

The problem with peacekeepers is that you assign them to a mission for a year or so.
And they’re told that they can’t socialize with locals.
No dating, no hookers.
All these soldiers, mostly men, told to keep it in their pants for a year?
Yeah, that’s how the crimes happen.
Against the women soldiers, but also the local women and girls.
So, we developed robot soldiers and patrols.
They don’t rape. They don’t steal.
But they do kill. They kill a whole hell of a lot of people.
But they don’t rape them or steal from them, thank God.

I am an atheist.
I do not believe in God.
Even when I went to church, I thought “What is this crap?”
A guy standing at the end of the room, telling fairy tales and fables.
For years, people said I had a God-sized hole in my heart.
Which I tried to fill with drugs, booze, and sex.
When I finally found God, I tried to fill that hole in my heart.
And God said “Wow. Look at all the drugs and booze and sex.”
I’m still an atheist.
But, damn that motherfucker God partying it up in my heart.

Oh, fascists. So efficient with their accounting methods.
The streets may run red with the blood of their victims, but their balance sheets are all in the black.
The Chinese charge the cost of bullets they use in executions to their families.
The Soviets charged rent for every troublesome comrade sent to the gulag. And for every tree they chopped for wood to keep from freezing to death.
The Nazis charged a fare for every passenger on the death trains.
And American public schools have a long list of fees and charges to attend these inefficient and incompetent indoctrination camps.

My father died about a year ago.
I have no idea what was done with his body.
Some creep from the hospital kept calling about it.
“We need to know what to do with the body.”
“Take it home for Thanksgiving dinner.”
“WHAT?”
“Not to eat. That would be sick. Just sit him at the table.”
“WHAT?”
“Come on, that’s less sick than eating him. I think. Just don’t expect him to say grace.”
I don’t remember what happened after that.
I blocked him like all the other callers and turned off my phone.
And picked up pizzas for Thanksgiving.