Category: My stories

Courtney raised a steer as part of her 4H classes.
She never gave it a name or talked to it. Just wrote X on every form.
It won competition after competition, until they got to the State Fair.
They never managed a win there.
But it did place, and at the auction, Courtney came away with enough scholarship money to pay her way through State.
The steer ended up as steaks and burgers, and its horns adorned a Russian billionaire’s golf cart.
At her graduation, Courtney thanked her parents and her teachers.
Not a single thought about X the steer.

So, kids are taking guns to schools and shooting their classmates and teachers.
It doesn’t matter if they were picked on, bullied, or abused. It’s wrong.
But for those people wanting to ban guns, well, it’s impossible.
And limiting magazine and clip sizes just means the kid carries more of them and reload.
The solution is, of course, to build bigger and heavier guns.
Ones that a kid can’t carry.
If it takes two or three kids to carry a gun, it can’t be concealed easily.
And maybe one of the kids will say “Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this.”

As I strolled down the avenue, I realized that my shadow was not my own.
The embassy frequently warned us about rogue shadows, the shadows of their greatest and most successful spies.
“Watch your back!” Say the posters.
This is why all official business happens in specially-built light rooms, with light coming from all directions to purge any rogue shadows.
Trapped in dark prisms and shadow boxes, kept in a massive safe.
Until the enemy offers an exchange.
Their captured shadows for ours.
Lining up on the bridge, facing each other, flashlights and spotlights to ensure they are genuine.

The problem with naming things New is that they eventually become old.
New Coke was a total flop, and Coke had to bring back their old formula.
They called it Coke Classic, eventually dropping the Classic along with New Coke.
New Wave music ruled the late 70’s and early 80’s, conquering consciousnesses through MTV.
Until the fad was replaced with newer music, coming back now and then as retro through tribute acts.
Then there’s New York and New England.
What’s so new there?
They’re just old, dilapidated piles of rubble with the occasional bright and shiny sticking out of them.

I don’t know what’s so exciting about the home run derby.
Some guy lobs easy pitches to a batter, and they slug them over the fence.
Over and over and over.
Where’s the challenge in that?
What I really want to see is the steal home plate derby.
That’s where the real excitement is, a guy stealing home.
Although it’s kind of hard to do in a derby, since they know the guy is going to try to steal home.
So, instead, let’s go with a Bench Clearing Brawl Derby.
Give the winner a pickup truck.
And an ice pack.

Elwood had a decent credit rating, so he got a lot of credit card offers in the mail.
They were better than the high-interest service fee cards he’d gotten when he was poor and broke.
But he looked at the cashback offers for the store cards, and he noticed that they paid out less than other general bank cards for the same category.
So, he broke into his neighbors’ mailboxes with better credit ratings, got cards in their names, and ran up huge tabs.
Then he drove off to Mexico.
At least the neighbors got good cashback on his fraud.

I like to walk to the grocery store every Saturday.
If it’s going to be a very hot day, I go as early as I can.
And I take a route that’s through a nice neighborhood with shady trees and wide sidewalks.
There’s joggers, people pushing strollers, and others going to the store or coming back from it with their bags.
Today, I walked past a couple walking their two dogs.
Well, one was laying on the ground, not moving, and another was sniffing it and whining.
The couple was crying.
Maybe it’s too hot out to walk, after all?

When I broke my elbow, I was stuck in the emergency room with a phone at 3% battery and no cord or spare battery.
A doctor let me borrow his charger so I could get texts out to friends, and they convinced the gift shop to send a cord to my hospital room.
And cookies. And iced tea. And stuffed bears.
Since then, I’ve had battery anxiety.
I bought a plug-in hybrid car instead of a Tesla because of battery anxiety.
And I panic when I see a coworker’s shared desktop on Zoom when they’re not plugged in and charging.

When Fall comes, I like to move my laptop to the patio table and work from outside.
Of course, I need a second monitor. And a power cable for the equipment.
Maybe a large fan, when the breeze isn’t blowing.
Then there’s the wireless keyboard and trackpad. And my phone.
Don’t forget the pitcher of iced tea. And lemons. And ice.
When everything’s set and ready, that’s when the sun comes out.
And that glowing orange murderball screams I WILL MURDER YOU WITH MY HEAT AND LIGHT!
I pack everything back into my little cart and drag it back inside.

So many people on their timelines encourage others to vote.
Sometimes for one candidate. Or the other.
Or against one of the candidates, implying that you should vote for the other one.
And then there’s the general calls to vote, without any particular candidate in mind.
Just vote.
I don’t ever endorse people to vote for a candidate. Or against one.
Or even encourage people to vote.
If you’ve ignored every other call to vote, for or against, or at all, and it’s all down to what I think…
Just give up. Tear up your registration card and go away.