Whenever I go out for lobster, I get a bib with a lobster on it.
I turn it around and become… CAPTAIN LOBSTER!
Captain Lobster doesn’t have any actual superpowers, mind you. He’s just me, but louder and more bold.
Oh, and he really, really likes lobster.
The irony is that his kryptonite is a hell of a lot of lobster.
Clutching my stomach, I moan in agony as the melted butter rolls down my chin.
“Too… much… lobster…”
This is when my sidekick Why Do I Take You Out To Dinner When You Act Like This Woman steps in.
Category: My stories
Concert
Today is Flu Shot Day at work. Free flu shots for everyone, paid for by the company’s health plan.
I always get sick with the flu for a day after getting the shot.
That’s better than getting sick for a week or two with the flu, I guess.
But does it have to be today? There’s a big concert tomorrow, and I’ve really been looking forward to it for months.
I don’t want to get sick tomorrow, damn it.
So, I’ll skip the shot. I’ll get one after the concert.
I just hope that nobody coughs or sneezes on me.
What kind of world?
“What kind of world are we leaving to our children and grandchildren?” shouted the Green Party protestor.
I followed him home after the protest.
He lives in his mother’s basement.
If you’re going to get them to succeed, you’ve got to kick them out of the nest.
Which applies to space travel.
Humanity will never reach for the stars as long as it can play its XBoxes and Playstations in its mother’s basement.
If we ruin this planet faster, humanity has no choice but to reach for the stars.
Forget saving the nest, kid. Spread your wings and fly free.
Any more than a mouthful…
Who’s that?
Oh, that’s Wendy.
She used to be with Jack.
They were great together, but she wouldn’t suck Jack’s cock.
She did everything else, though. And I mean everything. But it wasn’t enough.
So, Jack found someone who would. On the side.
Wendy found out, so she finally offered to suck him off.
Instead, she bit it off. And swallowed.
Jack nearly bled to death.
Police called it an accident. I call it a fucking shame that Jack lived.
Surgeons did what they could. I bet he gets a reality show out of it.
So, you want her number?
Jafar
I am Jafar, and I am a genie.
But I do not grant wishes.
Instead, I prefer to mentor and coach people. Because people appreciate things more when they work hard for them than when you just hand them something.
If you follow my advice and challenge yourself, then not only will you make your wish come true, but you won’t have to worry about some kind of sinister twisting of your wish.
But most important of all, instead of getting stuck in that goddamned bottle, people actually thank me.
Yes, thank me.
Which, I suppose, is my greatest wish.
Mistress
Belinda doesn’t care what I do or say. She just wants to shop, party, and sleep.
Me, I want to do something more. Maybe settle down and raise a family.
But it’s hard to do when you’re always hopping to from one hotspot to another every night.
Betsy is the sensible one. Wants all the same things I want.
But Belinda is so much fun.
That’s when it hit me: I’ve already got the mistress. All I need is the one I can marry. Right?
Belinda doesn’t care what I do or say. But Betsy packs a wicked left hook.
Fish Park
I like to spend my summers at the cabin with Fred, my pet goldfish.
“Let’s go down to the lake,” says Fred.
I pick up his bowl and carry him to the lake.
Then, I dip my finger into the water.
“It’s a little cold, but not too cold,” I tell him.
A few others are down by the lake with fishbowls. We wave to each other.
“That’s fine,” he says, and he leaps from his bowl into the water.
He likes to swim around in the lake with his friends.
It’s like a dog park. For fish.
And friends.
Weather Sacrifices
Back home, we had a saying: if you don’t like the weather, wait 15 minutes.
Around here, they say: if you don’t like the weather, make a bigger sacrifice to the gods.
(Those that disagree get sacrificed to the gods.)
So, I brushed the goat’s ashes from the altar and looked for a bigger goat.
Sadly, the goat I’d just sacrificed had been our last goat.
The conversion table that came with the altar says that four chickens equals a goat.
I selected five from the coop, slammed their heads against the altar, and lit the fire.
Rain, dammit. Rain.
Bike
My wife got me a bike for my birthday.
Three weeks later, I fell off of it, and broke my elbow.
The other day, I saw that my coworker had left his old bike out in the rain.
“I have a bike that I’m not using,” I said. “Barely used. Need it?”
“Sure,” he said.
So, we loaded the bike into my wife’s truck and drove it in to work.
“Here you go,” I told my coworker.
“Thank you,” he said, and we haven’t seen him since.
I hope that the bike didn’t kill him.
But better him than me.
Hero
Billy.
Joe.
Wes.
And Me.
Lost in the woods together.
Dumb.
Our phones couldn’t get signal. Even with GPS, there was no data stream for downloading maps.
My idea. Dumb.
Joe got out the straws. The one who drew the short straw would go for help.
When I drew the short straw, I wrote down the GPS coordinates on my arm with a pen, picked up my pack, and began my walk.
I found the road in an hour. Rangers found the others with my coordinates.
They called me a hero.
But I was the one who got us lost.