The best musical instrument bows are made out of the Pernambuco tree. They hold their shape for centuries, and they draw the most beautiful sound out of the instrument they are played with.
Sadly, the Pernambuco, or the Brazilwood, is a rare tree in Brazil that has been exploited to near-extinction.
Thankfully, traditional bow craftsmen are working to conserve the Pernambuco and plant new groves of the tree.
But rival carbon-fiber bow makers, threatened by all that is natural and pure, go around chopping down the Pernambuco and burning them for firewood.
The lesson to be learned?
Play the oboe.
Category: My stories
Boston Marathon
The political science professor used to say “one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.”
Now, he just sits in the special care ward, not saying a thing.
He crossed the finish line at the Boston Marathon when the bombs went off. The concussion and head trauma messed up his brain something fierce.
Still, they give him meals and baths, and physical therapy to keep him from withering away completely.
In case he’ll get better. Which he won’t.
The one bright spot in all of this was: It had been his best time ever.
Too bad he’ll never beat it.
The Devil’s Cock
Once, I knew a guy with a small penis.
Really small.
So, he prays and prays for a bigger penis, but God doesn’t answer, God doesn’t listen.
But me, I do.
“Gimme your soul, and I’ll give you a huge cock,” I said.
No, he didn’t fall for the giant chicken trick. Few guys do anymore. Instead, he worded his request carefully, eleven inches long.
I wrote up the contract, he signed it, and I fixed him up.
Eleven inches long.
And four inches thick.
It takes so much blood, the guy blacks out every time he gets a hard-on.
Free Elephant
I don’t want my elephant anymore.
I don’t remember why I wanted an elephant in the first place.
I remember when I got my elephant and how happy I was, but I’m not happy anymore.
Maybe I should have just rented an elephant.
I tried to return my elephant, but the store does not allow returns without the receipt and original packaging.
I thought about recycling my elephant, but he’s not paper, glass, or plastic.
And the zoo has too many elephants already.
“Maybe you need another elephant?” asked the zookeeper.
I bought an ad: Free elephant.
Want an elephant?
Army of the Damned
The ancient wizard on the outskirts of town said he was collecting up minions to build up an army of the damned.
“With my army, I’ll conquer the world!” shouted the wizard.
One of his minions spoke up. “What about a navy?”
The wizard raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Well, the British proved that naval forces are critical to maintain a global empire.”
Another minion put his hand up. “And the Americans demonstrated that air superiority allows rapid force projection. Will we have a damned air force?”
The first man was drowned.
The other was flung by catapult.
“Damn,” they said.
Change Sucks
It’s funny how things change so quickly.
Long ago, Piper was my bedcat, although Edloe and Nardo had their turns on the bed.
When it was down to just Nardo, he was the respectful bedcat.
Then came Bruwyn the kitten. He attacked toes, tails.
Myst couldn’t decide what she wanted. Until Nardo was gone. And Bruwyn.
Tinny was a cuddly bedcat for a few weeks, but she’s gotten a bit cold. Now it’s Myst when she feels like it.
This story will publish in about two years. How will things be then?
I don’t know. I don’t want to know.
Vanish
New York City vanished.
No explosions or fires, or strange lights in the sky.
It just vanished. Completely gone.
Scientists couldn’t explain it.
A lot of people freaked out. Lots of tweets and Facebook updates and crazy stuff.
Without New York telling everybody what to do, Los Angeles and Washington tried to step into that role.
Some followed, but others said “Fuck you, we’re tired of being told what to do.”
After a while, things settled down, and life returned to normal.
New York never came back.
They’re collecting for a monument, but I got better things to spend on.
Groundhog Kink
I know a weatherman who likes to dress up in a groundhog costume, hide in a tree, and poke his head out to look for his shadow.
He also likes to wear a diaper and get whipped by two women in leather corsets and boots.
At least, that’s what the newspaper says. He tweeted that it was just a one time thing, and he was doing research for a news story.
He’s been suspended from the television station, but he still does the groundhog costume thing.
It’s not like you can tell who the fuck is wearing those things, right?
Stinkyman
Aquaman never gets any respect.
Sure, he’s in the Justice League, but what can he do?
He can swim. And he can talk to fish.
This doesn’t faze criminals in the slightest. Unless they’re robbing the aquarium. Which never happens.
However, he filled a super-soaker with Vietnamese fermented fish sauce, and things took a turn for the better.
Now, criminals are scared that they’ll get dowsed with the stinky crap.
Okay, compared to getting punched in the face by Batman or thrown into orbit by Superman, it’s nothing, but that stuff’s a bitch to wash out.
Just shoot him, boys.
Whiny Myst
When Gina goes out of town, I babysit the cats.
Myst likes to go out to hunt and play every night, but I don’t like having to go out and look for a black cat in the dark.
If I don’t let her outside, she claws at the back window, shrieks, and whines.
It’s really annoying.
So, I let her out, and she plays for a few minutes.
And then comes back, whining to come in.
So, I open the door… and she runs off.
She does this repeatedly.
Until I grab her and keep her inside.
(She’s whining again.)