I don’t want my elephant anymore.
I don’t remember why I wanted an elephant in the first place.
I remember when I got my elephant and how happy I was, but I’m not happy anymore.
Maybe I should have just rented an elephant.
I tried to return my elephant, but the store does not allow returns without the receipt and original packaging.
I thought about recycling my elephant, but he’s not paper, glass, or plastic.
And the zoo has too many elephants already.
“Maybe you need another elephant?” asked the zookeeper.
I bought an ad: Free elephant.
Want an elephant?
Category: My stories
Army of the Damned
The ancient wizard on the outskirts of town said he was collecting up minions to build up an army of the damned.
“With my army, I’ll conquer the world!” shouted the wizard.
One of his minions spoke up. “What about a navy?”
The wizard raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“Well, the British proved that naval forces are critical to maintain a global empire.”
Another minion put his hand up. “And the Americans demonstrated that air superiority allows rapid force projection. Will we have a damned air force?”
The first man was drowned.
The other was flung by catapult.
“Damn,” they said.
Change Sucks
It’s funny how things change so quickly.
Long ago, Piper was my bedcat, although Edloe and Nardo had their turns on the bed.
When it was down to just Nardo, he was the respectful bedcat.
Then came Bruwyn the kitten. He attacked toes, tails.
Myst couldn’t decide what she wanted. Until Nardo was gone. And Bruwyn.
Tinny was a cuddly bedcat for a few weeks, but she’s gotten a bit cold. Now it’s Myst when she feels like it.
This story will publish in about two years. How will things be then?
I don’t know. I don’t want to know.
Vanish
New York City vanished.
No explosions or fires, or strange lights in the sky.
It just vanished. Completely gone.
Scientists couldn’t explain it.
A lot of people freaked out. Lots of tweets and Facebook updates and crazy stuff.
Without New York telling everybody what to do, Los Angeles and Washington tried to step into that role.
Some followed, but others said “Fuck you, we’re tired of being told what to do.”
After a while, things settled down, and life returned to normal.
New York never came back.
They’re collecting for a monument, but I got better things to spend on.
Groundhog Kink
I know a weatherman who likes to dress up in a groundhog costume, hide in a tree, and poke his head out to look for his shadow.
He also likes to wear a diaper and get whipped by two women in leather corsets and boots.
At least, that’s what the newspaper says. He tweeted that it was just a one time thing, and he was doing research for a news story.
He’s been suspended from the television station, but he still does the groundhog costume thing.
It’s not like you can tell who the fuck is wearing those things, right?
Stinkyman
Aquaman never gets any respect.
Sure, he’s in the Justice League, but what can he do?
He can swim. And he can talk to fish.
This doesn’t faze criminals in the slightest. Unless they’re robbing the aquarium. Which never happens.
However, he filled a super-soaker with Vietnamese fermented fish sauce, and things took a turn for the better.
Now, criminals are scared that they’ll get dowsed with the stinky crap.
Okay, compared to getting punched in the face by Batman or thrown into orbit by Superman, it’s nothing, but that stuff’s a bitch to wash out.
Just shoot him, boys.
Whiny Myst
When Gina goes out of town, I babysit the cats.
Myst likes to go out to hunt and play every night, but I don’t like having to go out and look for a black cat in the dark.
If I don’t let her outside, she claws at the back window, shrieks, and whines.
It’s really annoying.
So, I let her out, and she plays for a few minutes.
And then comes back, whining to come in.
So, I open the door… and she runs off.
She does this repeatedly.
Until I grab her and keep her inside.
(She’s whining again.)
Contact High
In a few years, the drug companies will have mastered the art of medicating out of existence every condition that interferes with the competitive consumption our society and economy depends on.
Drug A treats Condition A, but causes Condition B.
Drug B treats Condition B, but causes Condition C.
And so on, in an endless circle of pills and ointments and drops and vapors, we will torment our chemistry into a constant state of not-quite-well-enough.
We will be so saturated with these drugs, our souls will sweat bizarre toxic compounds, and devils will get deliriously high with a single lick.
The duel
Stephen A. Douglas and Abraham Lincoln’s debates are legendary, but do you know of the time when Douglas demanded a duel?
Lincoln, considerably taller than Douglas, felt that the size difference afforded his opponent an unfair advantage.
“I’m a much bigger target than he,” said Lincoln.
The referee for the duel had the two men stand face-to-face. Then, he pulled out a piece of chalk, and drew a line on Lincoln’s chest at the top of Douglas’ head.
“Any shots which go over this line will not count,” he said.
Douglas laughed.
Lincoln grabbed both pistols and shot them both.
The Wobbly Wheel
The old homeless lady who’s always pushing a shopping cart around the neighborhood is stuck.
Her shopping cart has a broken wheel.
She can’t push it to the store it to move to another cart. And she can’t leave her stuff.
So, she’s stuck under the freeway, screaming.
I ponder bringing her a new cart to move her junk to.
But I remember when I helped her get the cart she has now.
She screamed and bit and scratched.
And she rammed the cart into my car a few times.
I won it in our divorce settlement, fair and square.