You’ve heard of the goose that laid the golden eggs, but have you heard of the golden goose that laid eggs?
I’m not sure which is weirder: An inanimate object laying living, organic eggs or a living creature laying solid metal eggs.
I tried to explain this to the guy who owned the golden goose, but he just wanted to melt the goose down and sell the gold.
“Have you seen the price of gold?” he replied.
“This is a miracle goose!” I pleaded. “You can’t melt it down!”
He did anyway.
The goose turned out to be gold-plated lead.
Category: My stories
Caller
I called the sports medicine hotline to set up an appointment for my first physical therapy session.
The operator asked me what I needed to work on.
Shoulder
Elbow
Wrist
Fingers
More questions:
Which location?
Referring doctor?
Would October 10th at 2 work for me?
Yes.
It’s going to hurt, she says.
I know. I’m not ready, but I’m ready.
More questions:
My name?
Date of birth?
I tell her.
Oh no, she says. I’m so sorry.
It’s okay. I tell her. I’ll be alright. I’ll get better. Right?
I hang up and sit there… quietly.
Happy fucking birthday to me.
King Bones
The bones of Richard The Third were recently discovered under a parking lot in Leicester England.
His identity was confirmed with DNA analysis, combined with evidence of his famous battle wounds.
The reassembled skeleton confirmed that he suffered from severe spinal curvature and deformity as a result of scoliosis.
When scientists are done with their research, he will be given a proper burial at Leicester Cathedral.
Although one might imagine that Michael Jackson, famous for collecting the bones of John Merrick The Elephant Man, would want to buy Richard’s famous misaligned bones, too.
Thank goodness that disgusting child-molester is dead.
Tonight, I Have A Headache
Holy fuck. I’ve got the worst headache I’ve ever had.
It feels like I’m William Tell’s son, and he’s trying to make applesauce with a machine gun.
I swear, this headache’s going to kill me.
So, let’s fuck. Let’s fuck as hard and nasty as we can.
If this headache really does kill me, at least I’ll die looking into your eyes.
Your beautiful eyes.
Unless you want me to fuck you up the ass. Then, I’ll die looking at your beautiful long golden hair.
And if I don’t, I can just take an aspirin.
This bar’s got aspirin, right?
Adopt A Minefield
Someone told me that there was a charity called “Adopt-A-Minefield.”
I needed a tax write-off, so I sent them a check.
A few days later, I received an envelope from them that contained a receipt and brochures.
They detailed their global projects to eliminate landmines from current and former war zones so that farmers could farm fields and kids could play safely.
One day, they hoped to create a landmine-free world.
I dropped the brochure in horror.
Clear mine fields?
Ban landmines?
I logged into my website, landminesforsale.com, and checked the sales figures.
Good numbers.
I sighed in relief.
Bloody Word Games
Most people work out the crossword in pencil, but confident people work it out in ink.
Then there’s the crazy ones who do their crosswords in blood.
I’m not talking about scratching a nib against a mosquito bite.
No, these are the wackos who slash a wrist or a thigh to get their own blood.
Even though this tactic guarantees a free-flowing supply, it puts a rather draconian time limit on your puzzle.
Well, that, and you’ll stain the newspaper… and the table… and the carpet…
Speaking of which, what’s a 10-letter word for binding wounds?
Hurry… I’m blacking out.
Lifetime listening
They say that a CD should provide a lifetime’s listening enjoyment if you handle it properly, but it turns out that even a scratch-free CD will degrade over time because the data layer was often made of cheap material. And even though some CDs had a Gold layer for the data layer, the laminate used for the CD still can degrade.
This is not a problem if you plan on dying young, like all of your rockstar heroes. Or if you just buy one hit wonders and crappy music that you never want to hear when you’re fifty or sixty.
The Frog Princess
The princess found herself a prince, but he’d been cursed into the shape of a frog.
He told her that the curse would be lifted if she were to kiss him.
“At least that tasted good,” the princess said to the still-cursed frog prince.
“Maybe you need to do something else?” said the frog.
Grinning, she lifted her dress and shoved the squirming frog between her legs.
The experience was magical in more ways than one.
Exhausted, she looked up at her prince.
“Marry me,” she said.
“Hell no,” said the prince. “You fucked a frog, you disgusting freaky bitch.”
The Incredible Steak
“How would you like your steak?” asked the waitress.
I wasn’t paying too much attention to her. Or anything. It had been a hard day.
So, my boyfriend said “He’d like his steak fabulous.”
Fabulous?
How do you make a steak fabulous?
The waitress brought out a blindfold, and she bound it around my head.
Then, I heard a plate set down on the table. The clink of a fork and knife.
And the steak smelled… incredible.
“I said fabulous, not incredible!” my boyfriend snapped. “Take it back!”
“Incredible’s fine,” I said, taking off the blindfold.
The plate was empty.
Breadcrumbs
Hansel and Gretel’s parents couldn’t afford to feed them, so they took the kids deep into the woods to abandon them.
However, the kids left a trail of breadcrumbs, and they followed it back to their home.
“Where did you get that bread?” shouted their parents. “We’re starving, and you waste bread like that?”
I stopped my mother and said “Don’t they use pebbles first? And shouldn’t the birds eat the breadcrumbs?”
My mother put the book down. “Fine, Little Mister Know-It-All. The birds ate the breadcrumbs. Then they caught and ate the birds. The end.”
My stomach rumbled painfully.