While eating a Greek salad and some meatballs, the back of one of my teeth started to crumble apart.
I knew this day would come eventually. My teeth and gums have always been a problem, no matter how much I brush and floss.
I thought I was covered for these things, but my old job killed my insurance last week instead of next month. I’ll be paying out-of-pocket, and then have to file a claim when the COBRA kicks in.
The dental appointment is tomorrow, but for now, I’ll go to the corner store for gum.
To patch the hole.
Category: My stories
Landing
Where was I when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon?
I was in my mother’s belly. She was 7 months pregnant with me.
On the moon.
As an observer for Rigel, she just calmly watched, and sent back hyperwaves home.
Later, after I was born and ate her corpse, I went back over her memories of the event.
Pausing on the ladder… and then those immortal words.
Mother was listening to the signal, but accidentally left an open microphone.
Her gasp when Neil said “a man” disrupted things a bit.
I pat my belly. “Be careful with open mikes, child.”
Ramen
College costs a fortune.
My student job doesn’t pay very much, but it helps.
So, I end up eating a lot of those awful ramen noodles.
They’re totally disgusting, but it’s either them, or no school.
I can’t afford the dorms, so I live in a hut made from noodles.
Clothes? Goodwill won’t sell to a college student like me.
Yep. I wear ramen noodles.
Pretty much my whole life is noodles.
But when I graduate, I plan on never eating or wearing them again.
I will invent a new cheap food. And become filthy, stinking rich.
Until then… noodles.
Gastronomical Orchestra
Laying back after an exceptional meal, I listened to the squelches and squishes inside my belly.
The more unusual the meal, the more unusual the sounds.
So, I went on an epicurean adventure, seeking out incredible unusual foods to construct melodies, harmonies, choruses… I recorded them all and mixed them together into the most amazing gastronomic symphonies.
For live performances, I’d throw a banquet, and offer up dishes that would turn the audience into my orchestra.
As long as I received more curtain calls than citations from the health department for food poisoning or cases of gastritis, I was happy.
Laundry Day
I live in an apartment complex with several communal laundry centers.
There’s two rows of washers and two banks of dryers.
The washers take 30 minutes to run and the dryers take 60 minutes.
So, on a busy laundry day, wet laundry piles up while I wait for a free dryer.
The problem is compounded by people who don’t collect their stuff from the dryers for an hour or two.
I use a kitchen timer for my own laundry when it’s in the dryer so nobody gets stuck behind me longer than they have to.
We really need a house.
Never go home
They say you can never go hone, and as long as the restraining order is still in place, that’s true.
Google Street View lets you get a glimpse at all the old familiar places, as long as they’re close to a main thoroughfare and not blocked by a new thick, tall hedge paid for by monthly alimony checks… your alimony checks.
So, if you want to peek into a window, you know, just curious, that will take a private detective with a camera. Or a wireless steerable webcam.
Or two.
Or three.
Or…
Obsessed? Me?
Just making sure they’re… safe.
The Unbecoming
Fred lost his leg in a hiking accident.
The carbon-fiber leg replacement was so good, he had the other one amputated and replaced.
Refinements made them even better, and with intelligent and sensing exoskeleton enhancements allowed him to leap and run in ways he could never imagine.
He underwent more procedures, replacing his limbs and organs to make him a mechanized superman, capable of doing amazing things.
Still, every so often, he’d hesitate. Caution held over from his weaker, biological days.
One robotic hand raised up on its own, yanked off his screaming head, and tossed it into the trash.
Fiddlers Zero
Old King Cole was a merry old soul, but not any more.
Rebellion in the colonies had cut off the shipments of tobacco, so his cherished pipe and bowl lay empty.
And he’d caught one of his fiddlers fiddling around with the queen.
“Execute all three!” shouted Cole.
The musician’s guild refused to send any more musicians to the castle.
Well, except for Angus McPherson, who played the bagpipes, but Cole rejected the offer.
Angus stayed in the guild hall, practicing Amazing Grace all day long.
All. Day. Long.
So they spread a rumor that he was fucking the queen.
Scapegoat
Our town practices the ritual of scapegoating, where our sins are loaded into an animal and then we cast it out into the wild.
The problem is, we’re a rather sinful lot, and we’re running out of animals.
Let’s see… there’s Bob’s dog. And there’s also Arthur’s horse, but Arthur needs his horse to deliver messages, and everybody really likes that dog.
The priests nixed my idea of recycling animals. Once they’re loaded up with sins, they’re useless.
Arthur packed up and rode out of town this morning.
Bob suggested we use the priests.
The dog wagged its tail happily.
Backups
Parents are well-advised not to allow their children to connect to the network unlocked.
There are far too many worms and viruses out in the wild, and despite the claims in the commercials, firewalls don’t block and eliminate them all.
One minute, your son or daughter is sitting there, researching a school project. The next minute, they’re staring blankly and reciting a ransom note.
Fifty thousand dollars by midnight, and they’ll restore your child’s personality.
I agree with them: don’t call the police.
Just disconnect from the net and restore from backup.
(You do make backups of your kids, right?)