What makes Ukrid The Wise so wise?
He surrounds himself with many wise men, of course.
Whenever he needed to make a decision, he asked the wiser men surrounding him, and they shared their wisdom with him.
Then, in spite of the sage advice, he would make a decision so outrageous, it would annoy the hell out of the people affected by it.
They’d call for his death, and a few brave souls would come after Ukrid with axes and arrows.
Then, Ukrid would cower behind his circle of wise men, letting them take the blows until his guards arrived.
Category: My stories
The Cat And The Camera
I bought a wireless microcamera the other day, and for fun, I clipped it to my cat’s collar.
It took her a while to get used to the thing, but she did.
The monitor showed her jumping the fence, watching birds, and running through the grass after lizards and frogs.
She took a turn into an old barn, and there were dozens… hundreds of cats in there.
Their mouths were moving, but I couldn’t hear anything.
One pointed to the collar.
They sniffed it, and then swarmed out the barn door.
Um… I think I’ll go out for a pizza.
Fighters
After the revolution, the transitional government sent some of their wounded fighters to an American hospital for treatment and rehabilitation.
While the patients healed up, the hospital offered television and newspapers from their homeland, and the kitchen prepares meals of pita bread and olives instead of the usual bland fare with lime Jell-O the other patients get.
Even though they had an interpreter, yellow sticky notes were placed on various items to help the patients learn some basic English words.
As a prank, some notes were switched.
The nurse listened, nodded and smiled. “I guess television is a toilet everywhere.”
Three Little Gods
The first little pig built his god out of straw.
The second little pig built his god out of wood.
The third little pig built his god out of stone.
They fought amongst themselves as to which followed the true faith.
The wolf didn’t believe in any religious nonsense, but he was good at faking it.
One by one, he let the pigs “convert” him, taking all three of his would-be saviors captive.
The stone, he used for a roasting pit.
The wood made an excellent frame.
And the straw lit easily.
“By the gods, so delicious,” moaned the wolf.
Good Eatin
We needed to get into town to pick up supplies, so we got in the boat and headed for the mainland.
It was a calm day, so we fired up the motor, despite manatee safety restrictions in the area.
Sure enough, we heard a loud WHUMP! and we fell to the deck.
I lost my sunglasses in the water. Damn.
Oh well.
I looked to see what we’d hit.
A dead manatee, floating on the surface.
“What wine goes with manatee?” I asked.
The captain grinned and pulled out a bottle. “This.”
We hauled it aboard and dashed back home.
Bert’s Trumpet
Ah, Bert.
Knew the guy since, hell, All our lives. Work, Army, college, school. First thing I remember is Bert and me, playing in the dirt in our back yards.
Damn, I feel old.
Yeah, I’m the executor of his will (which reminds me, I’m making you mine, okay?)
Problem is, halfway down it, he asks to be buried with his trumpet.
Trumpet? What trumpet?
You remember any trumpet?
I don’t.
Seventy years, I knew him. No trumpets.
Piano, sure.
Maybe it’s a typo.
Piano. Trumpet.
See?
We’ll bury him with his piano.
Here’s a shovel.
We’ll dig over here.
Stamp
I can’t remember the last time I needed a stamp.
I pay my bills online with online banking.
I send electronic cards to most people. Okay, some merit actual cards, but postage is prepaid by Hallmark now.
Heck, when was the last time I needed a letter at all? Those are also electronic messages, through my email or via a phone or some instant messenger program.
Oh, now I remember: I had a cut on my finger, and I didn’t have a bandage.
Then, I fell asleep, and someone dropped me into a mailbox.
Clunk.
LET ME OUT OF HERE!
The Music Of The Stairs
The music teacher in my high school was rather avant-garde.
Instead of learning to play our instruments in the traditional sense: blowing into them, stroking them with various implements, or smiting them with mallets in some semblance of rhythm and meaning, we tossed them down a flight of stairs to listen to the odd beauty of the cacophony.
The school administration tolerated his madness, and since the instruments were already in bad shape, tossing them down stairs was significantly less expensive than repairs.
It was when he filled in for the drama teacher than they had to let him go.
Tough Break
They say Harvard is tough, but I learned medicine at the Jersey School For Doctors.
Doc Fontanelli asks the class what’s the difference between a twist, a sprain, dislocation, and a break.
The students, they all got their combs out, did their hair, checked the cigarettes rolled up in their sleeves.
So Doc grabs Vinnie by the arm with both hands, gives it a yank, and Vinnie goes down with a yell.
“That’s a dislocated shoulder,” says Doc.
He proceeds to twist Vinnie’s elbow, sprain his wrist, and break his nose.
“The nose ain’t a bone,” moans Vinnie.
A plus.
Fluffy Cat
Fluffy doesn’t look as much like a cat as what a cat might cough up.
He’s all fur, and unless he’s walking around, it’s hard to tell one end from another.
We’re not too sure how he sees through all of that.
And when it’s dinner time, he waits until we’ve left the kitchen before he goes for his bowl.
We find him in the strangest places.
The sink. A punchbowl. Inside a boot.
We thought about getting Fluffy a companion, so we picked up one of those hairless cats.
They sleep curled together, Yin and Yang extremes of hair.