Every April, the thieves in the town jail are chained together and dragged to The Well Of Apology.
One by one, the thieves are handed a knife, and they are forced to slash their palms and drip blood into the well.
Then, they are unchained, and released.
Any thief who is caught red-handed is beheaded at the well, their head falling into its depths.
Some say that when you cut your palms over the well, the dead whisper up to their friends.
Maybe it’s just the wind, the rattle of the chain.
Have you noticed, the mayor always wears gloves?
Category: My stories
Ignorance Is Wedded Bliss
Igor found her body in a chair, poison in one hand and a note in the other.
“Victor
I remember now.
I know what kind of monster you are.
Please, no more experiments. Burn my corpse.”
Instead, Victor found her diary, and burned the note with it.
Flushing the poison was difficult, but the rejuvenation formula not only replaced the contaminated blood, but neutralized all toxins.
They laid her out on the table and hooked up the wires.
Once again, the electricity would cause temporary amnesia.
Two months? Three?
“Isn’t love grand?” said Igor.
Victor nodded, and threw the switch.
What’s That Noise?
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
I have no idea.
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
It sounds like a vacuum.
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
Are you vacuuming?
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
It sounds more like an upright than one of those… well… the not-uprights. Whatever they’re called.
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
Is something stuck in the agitator brush? A sock? Or… you didn’t run over the cat, did you?
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
The bag’s full, isn’t it? It uses bags, right? Or is it one of those wind-tunnel vacuums without bags?
WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
They say science abhors a vacuum, but poetry abhors them worse.
TURN IT OFF!
Liquid courage
The old gunslinger pulled out a flask, took a swig, and then offered it to me.
“Shot of liquid courage?” he coughed.
“No thanks, I don’t drink,” I said.
“It’s not whiskey,” said the gunslinger. “It’s liquid courage. Made by a wizard who lives out in the hills.”
I took the flask, held it to my nose, and…
It didn’t smell like alcohol.
It smelled like… well, it’s hard to describe…
It smelled like courage.
Chest-puffed out, none of the stink of fear kind.
I didn’t drink any, though.
I mean, his lips had been on the flask.
Bleeeeeeeeeeech! Disgusting!
Down the drain
You look tired.
Let me tell you a secret.
Some people wake up to the smell of freshly-brewed coffee, but caffeine is a drug and that just gets you wired for an hour.
I was late when my coffee machine broke, so while I was showering, I peed in the drain.
It takes a few seconds for the smell to hit your nose, but when it does, it sure as heck wakes you up.
Yeah, no matter how good your aim is, you still need to wash the tub down.
At least you’re awake.
(Just don’t take a shit, okay?)
Smash And Grab
My car was broken into.
Someone smashed the window and grabbed my backgammon set.
Why? It was only ten bucks at Wal-Mart. And they left my GPS, which is worth way more.
I mean, I understand leaving the radio. That’s bolted, secured, and a pain to steal. But taking a cheap backgammon case? Crazy.
The insurance company wants a police report. The police are busy and say “Use the app.”
I snap some photos, tap in a form, and email them.
A repair truck is dispatched. They fix the window and hand me a receipt.
I play backgammon online now.
Drug Problem
Two tablets of worry, chewable.
One tablet of fear, swallowed whole. If you feel light-headed, do not operate heavy machinery or operate a motor vehicle.
Three capsules of lust, taken with milk or mashed up in applesauce.
One tube of hunger, to be smeared on the thighs daily and allowed to dry before dressing.
Two drops of envy, one for each eye. May cause temporary blindness. If condition persists for more than four hours, purchase a dog and a cane.
And finally, one shot of…
What? You’re afraid of needles?
Shit. I should have given you this one first then.
The Velveteen Robot
Tony is a robot, an experiment in artificial intelligence and learning.
Joe goes down to the lab and reads books to the robot.
The robot listens quietly.
Once, after reading The Velveteen Rabbit, the robot asks if it could ever be alive.
Joe doesn’t know how to answer.
“I am the Velveteen Robot,” says Tony.
Joe shrugs, and brings in velvet for the robot to wrap in.
Tony bends its pair of antenna, wraps them like rabbit ears, sews on cotton for a tail.
Then it tries to hop, jars a power cable loose, and falls over with a thud.
Come Out Swinging
I once knew a judge who was sick and tired of his rulings getting appealed.
So, every time a court overturned one of his rulings, he’d drive to that judge’s house and punch them in the face.
Still the appeals kept coming, so he changed tactics: when someone appealed his rulings, he’d drive to their house and punch them in the face.
These days, he strides into the courtroom, wearing his black robe like a boxer’s, preferring black trunks with black boots and gloves.
He smacks the gavel against the bell, comes out swinging, and the litigants run for cover.
Ken
Have you ever heard of Ken Nordine?
He’s a famous voiceover artist.
Oh, and he did a bunch of albums and recordings called Word Jazz.
You’d recognize him if I played one of his pieces.
Hold on… let me play a track for you…
You’ve heard him?
I told you so.
Well, the voices in my head sound exactly like him.
Ken Nordine. In my head.
Telling me to set things on fire.
And kill people.
But he’s so mellow, that I’m too relaxed and chilled out to set things on fire and kill people.
Until my meds wear off.