I like to watch online movies where two vastly different animals have close bonds and friendships.
The cutest I’ve seen is a black cat that plays with an owl. The owl swoops while the cat leaps up at it, or the owl hops on the ground while the cat turns circles.
As for the weirdest, I suppose it’s not easy having a giant squid as your best friend.
Especially if you’re a sperm whale.
Watching these two play and wrestle makes my heart swoon with joy.
And terror.
(Because our boat’s right above them, and they’re heading to the surface.)
Category: My stories
Help
For the longest time, I used to say that the most powerful key on the keyboard was the F1 key.
F1 is the shortcut to Help for most applications.
Have you used the Help menu recently?
Just search for the topic or ask your question, and Help gives you steps to complete your task.
Or, you can look up tutorials to learn how to use various functions.
With Help, I’ve learned how to do everything I need to do on the computer.
Well, almost everything.
I hit the power key on my laptop, and it shuts down.
(Now that’s powerful.)
The Judge
The judge put on his best robe, checked it in the mirror, and walked into the courtroom.
Streamers and balloons shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY! were arranged around his bench and the jury box.
The courthouse’s best punchbowl was filled with what was supposed to be a simple red punch, but his bailiff was notorious for spiking it every year.
The bailiff’s wink confirmed it.
And then there was the cake… biggest, fanciest one he’d ever seen.
That’s when he realized… where was everybody else?
The guests? The partiers?
He shrugged, issued a flurry of bench warrants, and tried the punch.
Delicious!
Feed The Ducks
When I was young, my dad would take us to the ponds out by the Volkswagen offices. We’d feed the swans there.
These days, I’ll pick up a sandwich from the local Subway, eat the meat and vegetables out of it, and then walk to a small landscaped lake. The ducks and swans get the leftover bread.
Once, all the ducks and swans were gone. In their place were a set of wooden decoys, floating out on the lake.
What do decoys eat?
I quickly scribbled pictures of loaves of bread on my notepad and tossed them into the lake.
Paris Rehab
Remember that cokehead heiress actress chick?
You know, the spoiled bitch who went around with a little dog in her purse?
They checked her into rehab again.
Same old shit:
Get wrecked.
Get headlines.
Get clean.
Get out.
Get wrecked again.
We did our best to get her into Betty Ford, but they put her here.
Shit.
But this time, we tried something new.
We ignored the chick and worked on the dog.
Poor beast was traumatized by all the fast cars, parties, and drugs.
Teacup Chihuahuas shake, but not like this.
We’ll get him adopted.
(But the chick’s hopeless.)
Dolly
When people asked Dolly Parton what she wanted people to say about her in 100 years, she’d say: “Darn, she looks good for her age!”
When the zombie outbreak swept across the country, Dolly was one of the many millions roaming the streets moaning “BRAAAAAAINS!”
Well, not exactly moaning. She still had a bit of that sweet friendly twang to her voice. Some say she’d toss in a “Howdy, y’all!” and “How ya doin?”
The plague was contained, she was caught, and after all these years, her still-groaning corpse is in Examination Pod Nine.
And, damn, she looks like shit.
Advent Towers
Don’t you just love those Christmas-time crime sprees?
Burglars were going through the old apartment building like an Advent calendar.
They robbed each apartment in numerical order, leaving a small chocolate candy and thoughtful Bible verse on the floor for the residents to discover when they returned.
After the third burglary, the cops actually followed up on their promise to send a patrol by to check on things, but they just missed the burglars.
So, the next night, they had a patrolman waiting in the fifth apartment.
They found him bound and gagged the next morning, chocolate in his mouth.
The Right Man
“One day, you’ll find the right one. You work too hard.”
Remembering her mother’s words; staring at her reflection in the shiny temporal engine, every wrinkle under her tired eyes.
Another night at the lab, alone, hunting for chronatons.
Tonight, she found them, and they exploded.
Nausea… Waking up slowly.
She breathed air so fresh… Outside… Trees… Beautiful clouds… Pristine…
And a man carrying a blood-soaked jawbone, standing next to a body.
She rubbed her forehead. Still a bit dizzy. The lab. The explosion. The-
It had… worked?
The man dropped the weapon, reached down.
“My name’s Lily,” she said.
Conference Call
Ten people in suits walked into a conference room, pulled laptop computers out of their leather satchels, booted them up, and started their virtual conference software.
On ten screens, digital dopplegangers of each attendee appeared, and they sat down on tree stumps around a virtual campfire.
The crackles and pops of the fire cycled for a minute before anyone spoke.
“Anything for the agenda?” one asked.
No response.
“Nothing at all?” they asked again.
Still no response.
“Good. Meeting adjourned.”
The figures vanished from the screens, the laptops were stowed back into their satchels, and the people left the room.
Diversity
The black-cloaked figure slid the clipboard back across the desk.
“No,” it whispered.
The HR rep pushed the clipboard back to the assassin.
“I’m sorry, but we need you to fill out the form. Regulations require it for diversity and fairness purposes. We can’t be seen to discriminate based on race or gender or sexual preference.”
The clipboard slid back.
“No,” the figure whispered. “You pay me, I kill someone. No questions asked.”
K-THUNK! A knife appeared out of nowhere, pinning the clipboard to the desk.
The HR rep scribbled “ALL OF THE ABOVE” and stamped “HIRED” on the form.