I was looking around the internet when I came across an online university collection.
There were lectures on history, literature, and all sorts of other academic interests.
I tried to watch the Math and Science lectures, but despite having taken them in college long ago, I couldn’t keep up with the formulas and equations.
None of it made sense.
I took my framed diploma down from the wall and folded up the parchment.
Then I mailed it back to my alma mater with a note.
“If they take driver’s licenses away from elderly people, then this should be returned, too.”
Category: My stories
Kate
Remember that supermodel Kate Moss? Yeah the really thin chick. Really thin. Scary thin. She could put on a bikini and double her weight. yeah, that’s her. You could see the bones in her hips… her arms, really unattractive, yet, she was a model.
Well, she got bitten by a zombie… kept groaning brains, and all, but when it got right down to it, after all the biting and attacking and stuff, she didn’t really eat any brains. Oh, sure, she’d moan braaaaaaains along with the rest of the pack, she ended up just pushing them round on her plate.”
Oodles Of Poodles
I’ve heard the phrase “oodles of Poodles” but nobody’s ever told me how much an oodle is.
I asked a breeder, and they said an oodle is like a bunch.
“How much is in a bunch?” they asked. “It’s a lot, maybe too many to count.”
We tried to work it out, but it was hard, and what’s a single oodle out of oodles?
Plus, the poodles are hard to deal with in such numbers.
Nasty, whiny, snappy dogs.
Truth be told, I don’t even like poodles.
I don’t think I’ll ever be in a mood for oodles of them.
A Scandal In Atlanta
The superintendent of the school district called his principals.
After the cheating scandal, he ordered the teachers not to erase and correct student answers on the scanning forms.
The union rep kept them from getting fired, the lawyers all shook hands, and everybody went back to work.
Time passed, a new round of testing happened.
This time, the teachers got caught marking the answers on forms before they handed them to the students.
“It’s not erasing,” said the union rep.
So, the superintendent filled in a wire transfer form and sent their salaries to an account in Aruba.
And vanished.
Dark Arts
Unlike the psychics that the police would hire to find missing people, Morgaine Darkstone made people’s heads explode and fire to rain down from the sky.
So, the police hired anti-psychics, psi-resistant specialists who weren’t affected by Morgaine’s dark arts.
Once they had her trapped in the old abandoned Church Of Pain, department sniper-warlocks took her out with a meteor storm.
Her soul bled into the altar, so if you’re looking for the best unholy water, you’ve come to the right place
Ever seen what happens to a wedding where the champagne flutes have been washed with this stuff?
Priceless.
Count
When I was fat and needed exercise, I’d walk for an hour or two every day.
The problem with walking is that once you burn off the easy weight and get your legs toned, your gut still needs work.
So, I did situps.
At first, I’d count up until I reached my goal, but I’d fall short every time.
Then, I’d count down from my goal to zero, but that didn’t help, either.
That’s when I decided to just do as many as I could, make each one count, and be happy with that.
Isn’t that what life is about?
The Woodwork
I was told that when I was finished my novel, publishers would be coming out of the woodwork.
I dreamed of publishers, crawling out of the walls… my dresser… the floorboards, reaching for me through the darkness…
I’d wake up screaming, thrashing about.
That’s how the accident happened.
My wife tried to wake me up, and I knocked her down, head hitting the lamp…
The trial was a circus, and I ended up with a 20 year sentence.
I finished my novel in prison.
Publishers aren’t coming out of the woodwork for it.
Good. At least I can sleep now.
Anyone For Tennis?
If you were to remove the lungs from an average human and spread them completely out, they’d have the surface area of a tennis court.
It would also get you disqualified from your match. It’s considered bad form to rip out your opponent’s lungs and spread them across the court. Although Andre Agassi coked up enough to do it, some say. And John McEnroe made people think he’d do that to a referee or two.
Then again, seeing how fierce Wimbledon is about playing on grass, I’m sure they’d change to lung-surfaced courts before they’d ever consider clay or concrete.
Making Things
Groucho once said: “Why it’s so simple, a four year-old child could understand it. Now go out and get me a four year old child cause I can’t make head or tail of it.”
His assistants would load up their child-catching van, head to the playground, and capture a four year-old to bring back to Groucho.
Not only did the child not understand, but their parents were disagreeable about the kidnapping.
Most were mollified by an autographed photo, but others insisted on money.
Once, they threatened to press charges.
Harpo killed them. He knew how to keep his mouth shut.
Roughing It
When I was young, we’d go camping.
Well, almost.
It was more of a log cabin-themed motel with pine trees planted in the field by the parking lot.
A bed as uncomfortable as a sleeping bag.
There was a lake, but we never went to it.
Which was good, since I don’t like boats. Or fishing.
Or camping.
There were bugs, though. Lots of them.
I don’t remember any roasting marshmallows or hot dogs, but I do remember a fire.
I think everybody got out in time. I don’t think anybody got hurt.
We drove home.
My bed felt wonderful.