Due to a mixup, Fillmore High School enacted a No Squid Left Behind policy during the Bush Administration, and sure enough, the entire Senior class ended up being a swimming pool full of squid.
Which, was a shame, since the pool was filled with chlorinated fresh water, and it killed all the saltwater squid.
They weren’t bad squid at all. Well-behaved on the whole.
None of the cheerleading squad got knocked up, no fights in the hallways.
Oh, sure, academics suffered greatly. So did athletics.
You’d think they’d win State in swimming, but as I said, the pool was lethal.
Category: My stories
Detention
After I burned the school down, Principal Green said I’d get a million years of detention.
All he managed to do was expel me.
“But it’s going on your permanent record!” he shouted, shaking his fist.
Getting out of school was the best thing that ever happened to me. I could continue my scientific research uninterrupted by gym and French, and within a year I had a cure for cancer.
Soon after, by extending the telomeres of DNA, a cure for death.
People could live forever.
After I received my Nobel Prize, the cops showed up. “Now about that detention…”
The Speed Of Pie And Ice Cream
The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound, that’s why you see lightning before you hear thunder.
Dr. Fred Beamer’s spent his whole life researching this phenomenon.
Well, he was supposed to be researching it.
I looked through his file and found that he’d expensed years of meals at a local diner to the university.
“What?” Dr. Fred said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I thought I was supposed to be researching pie and ice cream.”
He got me added to his grant. And if you keep quiet, he’ll add you, too.
Now try the blueberry.
Skipping Stones
My pocket is full of small stones.
They’re all flat and round, perfect for skipping.
I love to skip stones on the water.
I love to watch the ripples on the water.
Reminds me of growing up by the lake, spending the whole afternoon out there with my dog and a bottle of Coke, the fish weren’t biting, so I’d put down the fishing rod and skip stones.
The angles.
The rotation.
The spin.
A great way to pass the time, right?
Okay, so maybe not in the fountain in the mall. Sorry.
(Can I have my fishing pole back?)
Fix
Long ago, back before computers, I was a typewriter repairman.
People got all kinds of things stuck in their typewriters.
Once, I remember a guy dropping his old Underwood on the counter and saying “My colon is stuck.”
“You should eat some prunes,” I responded, and I got out my tools.
It took me just 20 minutes to fix it.
The next day, he comes in, and the typewriter is soaking wet.
“I tried the prunes,” he said. “I’m allergic and threw up.”
Into the typewriter. Which he ran through the dishwasher.
That took longer than 20 minutes to fix.
Water Fight
There’s nothing that says summertime fun quite like water balloon fights.
We’d fill up balloons with water, train them to fight, and then take them down to the barrio where the best fighting pits were.
The hardest part about water balloon fights is strapping on the razor blade spurs without popping the balloons. With all the people shouting and passing money back and forth, it’s difficult to keep your elbow from getting jogged and your grip slipping.
Then, there’s the cops.
One trainer shouts “RAID!” and everyone scatters.
Just don’t throw the balloons at them. Especially the ones with spurs.
Occam
Occam The Philosopher had a face that was as smooth as a baby’s butt, and he was quite proud of it.
“I have a very sharp razor,” said Occam. “I also have very expensive shaving cream, a soft lathering brush, a silver mirror, and a rare herbal aftershave.”
“Isn’t that horribly complicated?” I replied. “Wouldn’t it be simpler to use a depilatory cream?”
“Sometimes the simplest solution isn’t the best one,” Occam said.
Many years later, I saw him hawking an all-in-one shaving contraption on television.
“Just one button!” he shouted. “What could be simpler?”
Growing a beard, I thought.
i Vacuum
I bought one of those robotic vacuum cleaners.
Cool device, but it ran out of power before it finished vacuuming my floor. Way too many repeated routes running down the battery.
I thought about putting a bigger battery in it.
Nah. Not elegant.
I popped open the case, hooked it to my computer, and hacked the route programming.
It compiled, rebooted, and sat there.
And then vanished.
Scratching my head, I looked back over my program and checked my math.
The italic “I” was in red.
Imaginary numbers. Non-existent hyperspace.
Oops.
I called Support.
It’s not covered by the warranty.
The Boy Who Never Laughed
Dr. Odd was presented with the case of The Boy Who Never Laughed.
The first week was spent reading joke books to him.
No reaction.
After that, he dressed as a clown and performed various silly acts, such as juggling Bunsen burners or constructing molecular formulas and atomic structures out of balloons.
No reaction.
Finally, the doctor tickled The Boy with feathers of various species of bird, common and rare.
“Coochy coo!” he trilled.
No reaction.
Exhausted, Dr. Odd slumped in his chair…. and fell to the floor.
The Boy laughed and laughed.
Dr. Odd punched him in the face.
The Ship
That, my friend, is no ordinary model of a ship.
Behold, The Magnificent Mechanism of Master Craftsman Blert!
What a fine galleon is it, rendered in miniature with the most exquisite rare woods, semi-precious stones, spun silks, and intricate gears.
It is not just an ornamental centerpiece, mind you. It is also highly functional.
Pull the anchor chain to play music.
The sails are endless self-cleaning napkins.
The cannon fire pepper, salt, or any number of spices for your meal.
Dip your fingers in the fingerbowl-hold to wash them… or is that the cigar-cutter?
Bow, stern. I get so confused.