Category: My stories

Reboots On The Ground

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Here in Army Weapons Technical Support Services, we get all kinds of calls from the field.
Usually, the solution is just to reboot the device, but the reboot switch on the Standard Assault Rifle Unit is hard to get to when the operator is in combat and wearing thermal gloves.
It used to be even more difficult to reboot the things – you had to stick a paperclip in a hole and hold it there for 5 seconds.
This is why it’s so important to hold live-fire exercises for testing these devices. Virtual simulations don’t fail quite like real hardware does.

Tequila Joe

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Have another Tequila, Joe. You’re going to need it.
First off, your wife’s fine. So are your kids.
Nothing’s happened to your car, either. Or your house.
And you haven’t been fired from your job.
In fact, everything’s fine.
Now about your football: it’s in a safe place.
Yeah, we all know how much you loved that football. Every chance you get, you tell us how you threw seven touchdowns and ran in three more with that football.
And we’d like you to shut up about it.
You’ll get it back eventually, but for now – give it a rest, okay?

The Even Wackier Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 2

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The stagecoach driver was insisting so vehemently to Mr. Sparks that he was due for a raise; that neither noticed anything wrong until a shot rang out and he saw two highwaymen appear out of the brush with rifles drawn.
The tall one said, “These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert to fleece the people, and now that they have got into a quarrel with themselves, we are called upon to appropriate the people’s money to settle the quarrel.” And began pocketing valuables.
That speech was all they needed to convict the flowery future president, who ceased banditry thereafter.

Burning Camel

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Some days, I feel like I am burning my camel at both ends.
No, I don’t burn my candle at both ends. I burn my camel at both ends.
Back in college, I had a wooden footstool shaped like a camel.
One day, I got mad and stomped it. The footstool broke in half.
So, we tossed it on the barbecue pit and lit it on fire.
I said “Some days, I feel like I’m burning my candle at both ends.”
Charlie replied “No, you’re burning your camel at both ends.”
Okay, I guess you just had to be there.

Mmm Mmm Blood

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Pierre had the sharpest and fastest knives in any kitchen in Paris.
So it comes as no surprise that when he chopped his finger off while cutting up vegetables for the soup, he didn’t realize he’d done it until he’d dropped them in the pot.
Along with his finger.
By the time the paramedics had arrived, Pierre had passed out and his assistant was keeping pressure on the wound.
Nobody could find the finger, and apparently they didn’t realize he’d put it into the soup.
Know what?
It tastes delicious.
And best of all – he’s got 9 fingers left.

METRO

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Imagine a disgusting, ferocious parasite.
This creature feeds on time, and when it lands on you, it sucks out twenty-five minutes of your life and flies away.
Every day, this creature comes, and no matter how hard you run or scream for it to stop, it keeps coming back.
Again, twenty-five minutes. Gone forever.
Oh, and its owner does nothing about it.
You’d be pissed off, wouldn’t you?
To me, this creature wears a METRO uniform. It is a bus driver who races through his route, several minutes early.
And leaving me behind, waiting twenty-five minutes for the next bus.

The Water

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It’s raining again. The power is out, and I can’t find the candles.
I look out the window at the darkness.
There’s leaves and branches in the drain along the street, and the water is backing up.
If it keeps raining like this, the street will flood. Then, the water will crawl up the sidewalk and work its way up to the door.
When the water knocks on the door, I will answer it.
“Hello, water,” I will say. “Welcome to my home.”
The water will glide over the doormat and into my front hall.
I enjoy having guests over.

Sailing To Freedom

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Slaves dream of freedom like the starving dream of food.
I pondered this as I went below decks to check on our passengers.
Well, they were more like cargo, to tell the truth.
The shifting of chains in the darkness. A moan. A shout.
Never singing. They were too sick to sing.
Poor bastards.
Regulations called for a mid-trip survival check, but nobody was crazy enough to walk in the middle of that sea of savagery.
I closed the hatch and asked the navigator: “How much longer?”
“Two days, and we’ll see the Liberian coast,” he said.
And then, freedom.

The Even Wackier Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 1

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Abe said he was feeling ill and unable to join Mary Todd at church.
“Honey, a little religion might make you feel better”, said Mrs. Lincoln
“It will not do to investigate the subject of religion too closely, as it is apt to lead to Infidelity.”
Mary Todd, noticed what looked like Mr. Speed approaching the house furtively through the alley.
“No dear, not today it aint!” replied Mrs. Lincoln as she took her oversized family bible and slammed it between her husband’s legs.
Upon hearing the screams, Joshua Speed, decided maybe he should go to church this particular Sunday.

Missing Milk

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Someone stole a milk carton out of my refrigerator.
So, I glued a photo of it to a bunch of children in the neighborhood.
There was a caption, too:
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MILK CARTON?
It took nine months and two million dollars, but I eventually tracked down my milk carton.
There was no milk left in it when the detectives found it.
Whether its captor had consumed the milk or they had tossed it out because the milk had gone bad, we’ll never know.
But, really, thank God it’s home.
I think I’ll make a boat out of it.