George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he was enough of a pirate to be allowed into the Annual Pirate Talent Show.
Lefty McGinty usually won the contest, somehow managing to juggle balls and spin plates despite having a hook for a hand.
Devil’s Eye Morgan shot targets off a cabin boy’s head.
Rummy Bill played a tune by blowing empty whiskey jugs. He had a lot of those.
George folded paper into the shape of animals and things.
“I learned this in Japan,” he said.
Devil’s Eye Morgan shot each of them to bits.
Category: Weekly Challenge
George’s Easter
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Good or bad, the punishment for piracy back in Ancient Rome was crucifixion.
Soldiers stripped George, whipped him, and forced him to haul his cross to the hill where they’d execute him.
Several others were in George’s group, including a long-haired preacher who’d had his head capped in thorns.
The governor let the crowd choose one prisoner to release.
“Release Barbaras!” shouted the crowd.
George sighed relief as the soldiers took him down from his mount.
Then he mugged a guy for clothes and ran back to his ship.
George the manager
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a bumbling, incompetent twit.
Which is why the captain chose him as his first mate.
Managers empowering their subordinates to be able to do their best?
Hell no.They want to stay firmly entrenched in power, and to eliminate any threats to their job.
George was the least likely of all pirates to pull off a mutiny.
George was also the least likely to stop a mutiny.
As the crew slipped the noose over the captain’s neck, George laughed.
“Know what’s really funny?” The captain whispered, “You’re next.”
George Falls
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He once made a bet that he could go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Being an untrustworthy pirate, he had a trick up his sleeve: his shipmates would seal him into a barrel, but send a duplicate empty barrel over the falls.
Then, when it was time to open the barrel, they’d switch again and open George’s barrel.
The problem was, George’s shipmates were also untrustworthy pirates.
And they were the ones that George had made the bet with.
The roar of the falls muffled George’s desperate screams.
George and the Band Aids
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever he saw another pirate with a hook hand or pegleg, he’d cringe at the thought of getting hurt that badly.
He kept a first aid kit with him, and if he got as much as a paper cut, he’d spray Bactine on it, slather on antibiotic, and then cover it with a Band Aid.
Not a small one either. One of the big ones.
Then he’d wrap it all in medical tape.
His crewmates liked to pull the bandages off of George slowly, just to watch him wince.
George rows his boat
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he rowed his boat, he didn’t row it gently down the stream.
Nor did he row it merrily. He was usually quite angry when he rowed his boat.
Usually, because his shipmates had put him in the rowboat while he slept, cut the mooring line, and sailed off.
George rowed as hard as he could, and then he’d get out his spyglass and try to locate the ship.
That’s when George would wake up from the dream…
And he was still in the boat, exhausted, dying of exposure.
Weekly Challenge #887 – Intake
SCRIBBLING WREN
The New Term
Paul has changed his name. It’s helped him get a job at one of the most exclusive private schools in the country. Their intake is small but each year there’s always a few new girls.
He’s working as a caretaker and is upstairs cleaning when they arrive. He props on his mop to watch the parade of posh cars screech to a halt on carefully combed gravel.
The girl’s uniforms are crisp, with blazers slightly too long in the arm. There’s a smell of freshly sharpened pencil lingering in the air. He licks his lips ready for a clean start.
RICHARD
Sharp intake of breath
My sharp intake of breath had nothing to do with my son, against all odds, getting good exam results.
You might think it was because, totally unexpectedly, he had straight ‘A’s in every subject he’d taken, but even then, you’d be wrong.
You’d be getting slightly warmer if you thought my shocked expression and nervous laugh were consequences of learning that his success had secured him a place at the top university in the country.
But, that’s still not it.
My sharp intake of breath was solely due to the obscene amount it would cost me to send him there!
LIZZIE
They told him no one would force him to eat only fruit and he was fine with that. He would eat meat too. “Not here, you won’t,” they said, smiling that placid smile of veggie eaters. But he knew what to do. He’d eat their fruit and then he’d sneak out. He was only there because she forced him to go. “You need to lose weight.” Well, not by eating a ton of fruit, he thought.
When they caught him at the local diner, eating a steak, they cried. “Poor animal.” He was offended and replied “I’m not an animal!”
TOM
And the moment passed
Barry stared at a square foot of the wall in front of him. Every molecule of that square chronicled his life and though not judgmental mocked him all the same. He had taken a job as an intake clerk. A summer job which would lead to a position of power and importance. He was going places. What happen to poor Barry can only be explained as the weight of the Patrick Principle: you lower to the level of your least skill. If there is a glass ceiling there has to be a glass floor. On it is written: Intake clerk.
As the reason for my Absence
To understand how my oldest friend ended his life turfed from one medical corporation to another we’ll need a bit of geographic background. California is insanely wealthy. No, I mean streets paved with gold wealthy. Each part of the state has its own product of wealth. Hollywood, Silicon Valley, Militar Industrial Complex, damn Tesla. Our little corner of paradise is grapes. In Wine Country families rule and the head of those family fear nothing so much as the dark shadow of death. You can’t believe the amount of cash they pour into hospitals. Heavy on cardio, we are talking wings
SERENDIPIDY
Weight control is simple: It’s just a matter of balancing food intake with how much energy you expend.
Eat less, move more and you’ll lose weight.
On the other hand, eat more and move less, and the pounds will pile on.
Since you’re unable to move at all, and the feeding tube is working overtime, I think you can see where this is going…
And, once you’re so obese you couldn’t move, even if you wanted to, I’m going to slit your throat, cut you into pieces, and enjoy feasting on your flesh.
I’ll freeze whatever I can’t use immediately.
TURA
Tura Brezoianu
Attachments
Sat, Apr 22, 5:43 PM (13 hours ago)
to me
Intake
———
“I’m God. Ask me anything.”
A sharp intake of breath went through r/AMA, and the questions started.
“Why is there evil?”
“You run the show, that’s the deal.”
“What about natural disasters?”
“It builds character.”
“Can you make a rock so heavy you can’t lift it?”
“It’s called a black hole.”
“Do we have free will?”
“I knew you’d choose to ask that!”
“What must I do to be saved?”
“Treat people right, listen to your parents, eat your greens, walk a few miles every day. You already know this. What were you expecting?”
“What are you expecting?”
“Surprise me.”
NORVAL JOE
Billbert’s super powers made the old man hanging below him almost weightless. He would regain all of his weight if Billbert just opened his hand.
Billbert shook the man. “How high do you think you’d bounce?”
With a quick intake of breath, the man shouted, “She’s in a well to the north. Just put me down in the cabin, first, and I’ll take you to her.”
“I’m not as dumb as you look,” Billbert said. “Take me to Linoliamanda. Then I’ll let you go.”
Billbert dropped low enough for Sabrina to hear him. “Follow me. We’re going to get Linoliamanda.”
JARED
An Exercise in Dialogue: Jargon and Atmosphere
Klaxons screeched as red alert beacons flared to life.
“Operations, report,” Captain Klein ordered.
“Sar, we have reports of fires on all decks. It appears to have spread through ventilation shafts,” Ops Commander Willis answered. “The fire suppression system is bringing most under containment,” she continued.
Capt. Klein turned to their Science officer. “Where did this come from, Le?”
“Not certain, Captain, but the perimeter breach was via the propulsion system’s atmospheric flight coolant intakes,” Lt. Le answered.
“Those should be fully sealed while underway. We need answers as to how they opened during standard NVoS operations,” the captain declared.
PLANET Z
They stripped me naked, put me in purple scrubs, and wheeled me over to a suicide watch room.
Strapped to a bed for 12 hours without food or sleep while an intern watched me.
I did get some water. And pissed in a jug.
Then I was wheeled to an ambulance, dumped into a room with chairs bolted to the floor.
I used the pen from the intake forms to write out notes on a paper shopping bag I found on the floor.
Pulling the wire from my facemask, thinking to myself: should I stick it in an electrical socket?
Weekly Challenge #886 – As far as the eye can see
The next weekly challenge topic is: Intake
SCRIBBLING WREN/LISA
“Better now? Now?”
Sally the optician had stopped caring before Harry sat in the chair. Harry wasn’t bothered either. He’d made ‘Silly Mistakes’ at work so they’d sent him for an eye test but they were paying and it was in company time.
“Better now?”
He started randomly saying what made him see clearer.
“Better now?”
Sally didn’t notice and prescribed glasses that would make things much worse at Harry’s work.
The receptionist who was concentrating on counting the hours’ til home time typed the amount wrong in the card reader, this mistake quadrupled the bill.
No one ever noticed.
RICHARD
All this…
I remember the day my father stood at my side and proclaimed, “One day, all this – as far as the eye can see – will be yours.”
I looked at him cynically. “But, dad, I can only see as far as the back wall, that’s what… Twenty feet?”
He nodded sagely, “Therein lies an important lesson. You’re stuck with what life gives you. Even if it’s small, appreciate its worth.”
I took his words to heart, sold the land to a property developer for a small fortune, and bought a country estate that extends as far as the eye can see!”
LIZZIE
“As far as the eye can see, the blue ocean, a nothingness filled with promises of many tomorrows. A certainty of the soul. A timeless motion forward. Perhaps even…”
“What on earth are you talking about, man?!”
The raft drifted aimlessly.
“We’re lost. We’re going to die and you’re blabbering crazy stuff.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes. You’ll start seeing things soon.”
“You mean… Like that dragon?”
“Yes, like that dragon… Good grief man, there are no dragons.”
The dragon swallowed them whole and burped. Not tasty, not tasty at all. Skinny, dehydrated humans. Nope, never again. Heartburn was a killer.
TOM
Major Tom
As far as the eye can see there were stars. It takes a bit getting uses to the stationary effect. On earth the stars spin across the horizon. In space the dance is frozen. With no up or down or much of a right or left the sense of fall is overwhelming. I time my breathing to the beating of my heart and fix my focus a single star. The light I see left that star millions of years ago. Any civilization that light fell upon has long since turn to dust. When the oxygen runs out so will I.
As To the Reason for My Absence
I didn’t write for about a year. Figure it was the end of my podcasting career. From time to time, I would listen to the challenge, I noted Norval Joe was close to having his first 100 stories in a row. I wanted to celebrate that milestone, so I wrote a story to him. Then one the next week. One foot in front of the other. That was many years ago, over a decade. I have Phil to thank for my return. I promise myself I would never let events keep me from post weekly. Then death two happen: Jim
SERENDIPIDY
It crops up all over the place: On banknotes, coats of arms, seals, and in the insignia of clubs, societies and religious orders, all over the world.
It is the All-Seeing-Eye, and it pervades every aspect of our lives, watching our activities, monitoring our every move, and overseeing our transactions.
Nothing is hidden, nothing is secret and our lives are laid bare before it.
It’s watching you, and you’d better be sure that what it sees is good, wholesome and charitable.
Because, there will be consequences!
And, as far as the eye can see, yours will be unfortunate!
TURA
As far as the eye can see
———
God created three minor gods, who knew God not. They contended who should rule the world.
“I will have as far as the eye can see,” said the first, whose eyesight was so sharp he could see the back of his own head. He rules the lands of the Earth.
The second claimed, “As far as the eye cannot see.” Everything that is underground became his realm.
The third claimed, “That which lies between,” and so rules the waters and waterways.
The three dispute their boundaries, and this creates storms, earthquakes, and tsunamis.
God looks down and does not speak.
NORVAL JOE/PHILIP CARROLL
The old man sneered at Billbert. “Your friend is nearby, but you’ll never find her.”
Sabrina was coming around so he sloughed her off his shoulder, took her hand and levitated back up into the sky. They looked for where Linoliamanda could be stashed, but only the tops of trees extended as far as the eye could see.
Billbert dropped back into the cabin and set Sabrina down.
“You won’t tell me where she is,” Billbert said, grabbed the man by the front of his robe and shot above the trees.
The man dangling, Billbert laughed. “Don’t tell. Just point.”
JARED/JRADIMUS
Dramatic Irony Bites Like a Rabid Monkey
Our hero had been exposed to enough ‘genie media’ that he should have known about the mischief behind genies’ wish granting. I guess something about the spectacle of a genie erupting from a magic lamp disrupts rational thought, because when Harvey found himself in this fantastical scenario, he didn’t even pause before he wished:
“First, I want to be a licensed realtor. Next, I want to get into the millionaire’s real estate market. Then, I want to dominate that market as far as I can see.”
These were the words that have haunted him since the accident that blinded him.
PLANET Z
I went down the stairs, opened the vault doors, and looked down the corridor.
Alcoves along the stone walls, niches with bones as far as the eye could see.
The Friar patted me on the shoulder.
“One day, you’ll join them.”
I walked along the corridor, sometimes there was a worn rusty plaque.
Fragments of paper, chalk marks on the stone wall.
“Only they know who they were.”
Forty years later, I was the one wearing the robes.
Leading acolytes down the stairs to the vault doors.
And reminding them that they’re mortal.
And telling them: “Make your life count.”
Weekly Challenge #885 – Blinded
The next weekly challenge topic is: As far as the eye can see
SCRIBBLING WREN
The Blinding
In the beginning was the bird. One bird: a magpie, with an ‘oil in a puddle’ sheen across his outstretched wing. They had said a single magpie was bad luck, but then hordes arrived. A global power outage shut down all communication, if the internet still worked Hitchcock would almost certainly be trending on Twitter.
The first to be enucleated was a toddler playing on the swings. His whelps swept across the grass, met more chilling screams before horror filled the park.
With an iridescent flash, the attackers disappeared as quickly as they’d come.
But the darkness had already fallen.
RICHARD
School’s Out
I was never cut out to be a teacher, not just because I hated kids and – let’s be honest, kids tend to hate me too – but I was also horribly ill-suited to the job.
The school I taught at was so understaffed, we had to turn our hands to almost any subject. No problem for my more academically inclined colleagues, but when you’re a sports coach, teaching chemistry is, at best, hit and miss!
I made most of it up, scrawling incomprehensible, unintelligible formulae on the blackboard.
The class: blinded by pseudo-science!
Somehow, I got away with it.
TOM
Marleen Walker
Marleen Walker glided across the checked linoleum tiles towards the old brown easy-chair. A lingering hint of Old Spice and Luck Strikes brushed her cheek. She thought it was pretty funny how the scent of a person could with crystal clarity reconstruct her father’s presents. He lived the last six months in that ragged old chair. She could still mark out the decaying of his senses and towards the end the blinded of the light, both the inner and outer. Her body told her cry, but to so would be to cross a hard line. Later she said, always later.
As To the Reason for My Absence
Emuire was my cat. I taught her how to swear. And she did often. She did not care for the many other cats who would be abandon at out last house on the right below the tiny pump house on the hill. Emuire was a three legged cat and moved with a grace of motion you didn’t actually see you experienced it. Ask any owner of a three legged pet. Emuite lived to 15 and the day I had to force myself to the vet to end her pain all the stories in my head hide in a corner not available to me.
SERENDIPIDY
Do you know of anyone who actually has been blinded by looking directly at the sun? I’m pretty sure you don’t, and I’m equally sure that, at some point in your life, you’ve given it a go yourself, just for a moment, perhaps just through barely open eyelids? Right?
Did it blind you?
Maybe it hurt a little, and no doubt you were troubled by disorientating after images, but you weren’t blinded were you?
Nobody ever is.
Let me tell you why you really shouldn’t look at the sun.
Better still, take a look for yourself, a good long look!
LIZZIE
Dusk set in. The black panther remained seated on his pedestal, his back to the water, watching the humans getting ready to wrap up their day. It was that time again. They didn’t know. But that old witch had taught him well. She had showed him who to snatch and when. The next morning, they would wonder. How? Why? When? Who did this? As the morning approached, he’d go back to being a statue. A statue on his pedestal, the one they revered, the one they looked up to for protection. Dusk set in and he waited on his pedestal.
TURA
Blinded
————
Deprived of ordinary vision, the Blind Sage speaks with inner vision. Petitioners must make an arduous mountain ascent of many days to speak with him.
One asked, “How can I become rich?”
The sage answered, “Want what you have.”
He asked again, “No, I mean, how can I get lots of money?”
The sage answered, “Be of value to others.”
He protested in exasperation, “What wisdom is this? Why can’t you talk sense?” and tramped off back down the mountainside.
The sage replied to the empty air, “Because there are none so blind as those who will not see.”
————
NORVAL JOE
My twin brother was killed in a hit and run when he was riding his bicycle this morning. He rode every Saturday. I don’t know if he was blinded by the car’s headlights and run off the road, or if he was hit from behind. The details aren’t in yet.
Roger liked to laugh. He was a ventriloquist, a magician, a musician, an accountant, and he loved cats.
We ran a half marathon together last month. He said that was probably going to be his last, as he preferred to ride his bike. Looks like it was. I’ll miss him.
PLANET Z
Sometimes, Delores forgot to wear her charging mask, and she needed to wear induction loop glasses to power her eyes during the day.
The rims were thick, and a cable ran along her ear to the battery pack in her shirt pocket.
The optical system offered notifications and overlays as reminders and identification enhancements, but Delores kept those turned off.
So now and then, she’d wake up blind, fumbling for her glasses.
The first time she forgot to charge her battery pack, she told Alexa to deliver a fresh one.
She sat in the dark, waiting patiently for the doorbell.
JARED/JRADIMUS
Not by the Light
Harvey was still ecstatic. Beyond, even. Just before the end of the day, he closed on the biggest real estate deal he’d ever been part of, and he and the rest of the agents just closed out a bar on the biggest bar tab he’d ever been part of.
Walking to his car, he was jostled off the sidewalk and almost fell over. When he regained his balance, he looked up and could only see the headlights of an oncoming vehicle.
He survived, but with the injuries he sustained, the car’s lights were the last thing he would ever see.
Weekly Challenge #884 – Shenanegans
The next weekly challenge topic is: Blinded
JARED
WC 883 PICK TWO
A Hip Double Dip
No one could figure out why Roderik spent $12,000 a year for membership in an obscure historical heritage society. They thought the Gothic Heritage and Historical Society sounded made up and pointless. As far as he saw it, it was money well spent. As a history teacher with traceable Visigothic ancestry, he got his membership for half price. As a member, he gets tax credit for the dues, and exemptions on his presidential salary. The group is tax exempt for all donations they receive. And as long as no one tattles, he can keep on being the only member.
WC 884 Shenanigans
Shenanigans
“Shenanigans!” The bar fell silent. “I. Call. SHENANIGANS!” The old man repeated, bellowing.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” responded Steven, hesitantly.
“By the terms laid out in the 2036 Treaty of TikTok, which ended the Internet Prank Wars, you’ve attempted an April Fool’s joke, and I’ve called you on it,” Old Man McCluskey lectured.
There was a mixed response from the rest of the patrons, but most of them nodded in acquiescence of McCluskey’s irrefutable legal standing.
“As is now my right,” he continued, “I will administer the public flogging with the requisite wet noodle. Now bend over.”
NORVAL JOE
Billbert felt Sabrina’s forehead. He was in a quandry. He needed to get her cooled down. He also needed to take advantage of the chaos caused by pulling the roof from the cabin to save Linoliamanda. He struggled to get Sabrina over one shoulder and leapt into the air.
Landing in the back room of the cabin, he looked for his friend.
The old man burst into the room, shouting, “What shenanigans are going on here?”
Billbert gritted his teeth. “That’s a good question. Where is Linoliamanda?”
The man scoffed. “What did you expect, that I would bring her here?”
SERENDIPIDY
The night of the full moon is when we get up to all kinds of shenanigans.
It starts innocently enough, with knocking on doors and running away, but soon progresses to vandalism, bricks through windows, breaking and entering and kidnap.
Then we drag our hapless victims onto the hillside, strip them naked and cut out their hearts on the sacrificial altar as an offering to the gods.
After, it’s back down to the village for a communal supper in the community hall.
It’s tradition, and traditions die hard around these parts.
So do those who choose to complain about us!
TURA
Shenanigans
———
Shenanigans are benign swellings that develop on the flanks of elderly Alsatian dogs.
No, actually they’re maggotty cysts that develop on the bellies of horses. When mature, they drop off and split open on the ground. The emerging horseflies go on to lay their eggs in the bellies of horses, continuing the cycle.
No, the Shenanigans are an Irish rock band.
It’s an Irish version of cullen skink. It’s an Irish jig. It’s a metaphorical jig: “dancing the shenanigans” means underhanded tricks.
It’s a word game of making up new meanings for everyday words.
What do you think it means?
TOM
Descended from Kings
I grew up a third generation American Irish. Which isn’t as bad as being third gen American German, but not as cool as being seventh generation North American French. So, what do get after a century of assimilation, basically what George Carlin would call the: ear. You key in on the sounds that sound Irish. Take shenanigans. Yup, Irish that. We got a pretty good idea about what it means, but what does it mean. Etymologists say it might come from the Irish “sionnachuighim,” meaning “I play the fox. To pull a shenanigan is prompt a greater one in return.
As To The Reason for my Absence
In the 100-word challenge there are a number of mythic designations. Take both the Golden Monkey and Iron Monkey, please. One a total of 100 posted stories and the other the impressive 100 stories in a row. That’s a two-year marathon. Not easy to do. Many of us here have multiple monkeys, not a helpful item in an efficiency apartment. But despite our collective commitment to posting, some weight too heavy to hold, will break us to the ground. Often health, but always some grief of death. It has happened twice in the last two decades. First the death of Emuire.
RICHARD
Granny Shenanigans
‘Granny Shenanigans’ we used to call her. It was one of her favourite words, frequently employed to berate us and put us in our place, whenever we got ourselves into mischief.
“Stop those shenanigans right away, or it’s the naughty step for you!” She’d bellow from upstairs. Instantly we’d stop misbehaving and calm down, terrified of being consigned to the naughty step.
That bottom step was as far up the stairs we were allowed to go.
Only granny and her girls were allowed in the bedrooms, together with the gentleman callers.
And who knows what shenanigans they were up to?
LIZZIE
The class went on a field trip to an Alice in Wonderland theme-park.
At some point, one of the kids yelled “Snake!”. No one reacted. He was the official prankster.
When he yelled “Snake!” again, a girl saw a giant red-eyed snake coming out through the wall. She yelled “Snake!”
“It’s fake,” the kids laughed. “It’s just to scare us.”
The problem was that, when they left the theme-park, the teacher was missing and only half of the kids managed back.
“Where’s everybody?!” Asked the parents.
“In the exhibition. Literally. The snake did it.”
“How?!”
“We are all victims in-waiting.”
PLANET Z
When there’s a prank on campus, everyone looks at Joey. He’s The Prankster. It’s not just having the tools and mechanical skills. It’s knowing people and who can help you with your prank, or who to prank and how and when.
He started with little pranks, like dyeing the fountain water pink. He graduated to hacking the security system so it locked every door. Even the bathrooms. Then, one morning, everyone woke up to the campus being rotated by 90 degrees. Joey, as usual, denied everything. Then he’d smile and wink. And get started on his next, even bigger prank.