RICHARD
How many?
Call me pedantic, but all I ask is for some sort of consistency in life.
It’s not much to ask, and sometimes we do in fact get it right – take traffic lights, for example: We all know, wherever we are in the world, that red means ‘stop’ and green means ‘go’. Can you imagine the mayhem if everyone adopted their own colour scheme?
It’s a simple concept to grasp.
Nevertheless, we have Heinz 57, which I’m told, refers to 57 varieties…
So, that’s 40 varieties of WD40, then?
What about 7Up?
And don’t get me started on 100 word stories!
LIZZIE
Why should I worry about that?
Because it rhymes with grasp.
What?
Heinz 57 on a loop, unleashed.
What are you talking about?
I can’t see. These glasses…
Why should I worry about that?
Because it rhymes with clasp and a clasp is always useful.
What?
Heinz 57 on a loop.
What are you talking about?
I can not hear. The voices are too loud.
Why should I worry about them?
Because they rhyme with gasp.
What?!
Heinz 57 on a…
Are we doing this 54 more times?
Silence.
They are gone.
Did I forget to take my pills again?
SERENDIPIDY
I exercise my dogs exercise in the park unleashed.
The signs tell me I should keep them on a leash, but why should I?
After all, it’s not as if they’re doing any harm. It’s always at the dead of night, and only during a full moon; they’re hardly likely to run into anyone innocently going about their business in the park at that time of night, are they?
Besides, it’s cruel to chain them up, they should enjoy their freedom in those brief moments.
And just imagine, waking up as humans next day, wearing collars… People might get the wrong idea!
NORVAL JOE
Linoliamanda’s father was shouting at the police officer, “Why should I have to wait twenty-four hours to report my daughter missing? It’s not like she’s an unleashed dog that slipped through the fence. Can’t you grasp the severity of the situation? This is a child who didn’t come home from school yesterday.”
Before the cop could respond, Linoliamanda was running across the loop in the driveway. “Daddy! Don’t worry. I’m home.”
The look of relief on his face was qickly wiped away. “You’ve got some explaining to do, young lady. Can you think of a word that ryhmes with ‘grounded’?”
TOM
In the Name of the Catsup
“Unleashed the power of the red, we are the children of Heinz 57” intone the Priest of the Yellow Kitchen. Upon the altar of chrome rested the holy bottle. The paper wrapper around the jar had fade over the centuries, but the words could still be read out during the feast of Captain-Crunch. Each of the devotees held high their plastic spoons. Why catsup and breakfast food got connected has been lost to the mists of time. It’s not as bad an idea as you may think because this generation misidentified strawberries for tomatoes. The French’s mustard, that’s another story.
PLANET Z
There were three movie theaters in the suburb where I grew up.
The multiplex in the indoor mall.
The discount screen in the rundown strip mall.
And, across the county line, a drive-in theatre.
It was across the county line because the suburb banned alcohol sales.
The drive-in sold a lot of beer. And, because it showed X and triple-X films, a lot of tickets.
Ohio’s pretty flat, but there’s a few hills and ravines here and there.
And the hill above the theatre got plenty of people with binoculars and telescopes.
I was there too, selling popcorn and sodas.