Category: Christmas

Housebroken

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Frosty the snowman told his wife Krystal that he didn’t want a dog.
Krystal insisted. “We need him for security,” she said.
“Dogs are messy things,” said Frosty. “And they make snow yellow.”
Frosty lost. They got the dog.
“Stupid dog,” mumbled Frosty.
Frosty tried to housebreak the thing, but it kept falling asleep in front of the fireplace and melting all over the carpet.
“Your dog wet the carpet again,” said Krystal.
“My dog?”
Frosty sighed, held up one of the dog’s coal eyes, and pointed it at the wet spot.
“Look what you did!” shouted Frosty. “Bad doggy!”

Spare Santas

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We watched the sleighs take off in the night, patted ourselves on the back, and headed back into the Workshop to enjoy our only night off before we’d have to plan for next year.
An hour later, one of the sleighs comes back.
Rocket’s got three bullets in his flank and Chancer’s hanging dead from the harness.
There’s a big black boot caught in a sleigh skid. I tugged it loose, and a few bloody toes fall out.
“Squad seventy-two,” I mumble.
Pacific Northwest. Trouble over Pocatello.
We warned the Santa, but they never listen.
That’s what spares are for.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 44

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It was Christmas at the White House. Everyone was getting into the holiday spirit.
Except Abe, of course. He’d grumble and roam the halls instead of decking them with boughs of holly.
So, Mary Todd convinced him to play Santa Claus. Being so thin, they figured he could actually slide down the chimney.
However, they didn’t count on the amount of padding it would take to get him to fill out the suit. Or the fact that he was so tall.
The suit looked ridiculous. Gangly, gaunt black-bearded Santa.
So, they celebrated Hanukkah instead, burning Southern cities instead of candles.

No room at the inn

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As Joseph and Mary made their way back home, Joseph seethed at the memory of all those innkeepers turning them away.
He had begged and pleaded, but none raised a finger to help in their time of need.
“I will have my revenge,” growled Joseph.
In modern days, hotels and inns have sprinkler systems and smoke detectors, but two thousand years ago? Not a chance.
Just as the Star of Bethlehem led the wise men to the manger, the trail of mysterious inn fires led back to Joseph’s pasture.
Years later, Jesus forgave him for it.
Such a good boy.

God bless us. Each and ev- *THUD*

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Scrooge looked at the anonymous headstone and laughed.
“Is this what you brought me here for, Spirit?” he cackled. “Who in blazes is this?”
Death’s skeletal hand reached into his robe, pulled out a dusty ledger, and shrugged.
“Ummmmmmmm,” it said. “Dunno. Sorry.”
“This means nothing,” said Scrooge. “I can afford the best doctors. The best of the best. I’ve got plenty of sand in my hourglass, asshole.”
When Scrooge woke up, he hired a few men from the docks to pay Cratchitt’s family a visit.
“KILL!”
Let’s just say that Tiny Tim wasn’t the only one who needed crutches.

Feh to Foliage

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Other kids had Christmas Trees.
I had a Menorah.
No, I didn’t have a Hannukah Bush. We never had a Hannukah Bush.
What’s the origins of that stupid Hannukah Bush anyway? The Menorah represents the Burning Bush, so what is this other bush for?
Next thing you know, they’ll dress some jackass in a blue suit and call him Rabbi Goldstein or something.
Can we look forward to Ramadan Ralph putting presents by an ivy-covered trellis?
How about a Buddhist Bob passing out Zen Candy in an algae-covered dish?
Whatever happened to Holiday Spirit? Good Will? All that Jazz?
Rubbish!

Ho Ho Ho (And A Bottle Of Rum)

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“The Mighty Servant 5 leaves Hong Kong tonight,” said Blinky. “Manifest is a beauty.”
“Yarrrrrr!” said Winky, giggling.
Elves make excellent hackers, thought Santa.
Later that night, the sleigh raced over the Pacific and spotted the massive vessel.
It looks like an oil tanker with Legos on top, thought Saint Nick.
They landed quickly.
“Hit the Mattel containers, ye scurvy elves!” yelled Santa to his crew. “Watch out for Dobermans!”
“Aye aye!” yelled the elves.
This was so much more fun than making toys.
Santa drew his toy cutlass and chortled, his belly shaking like a bowl full of grog.