Festivus

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My friend told me about this Festivus Holiday.
It’s based on a Seinfeld episode. The characters made it up to protest Christmas commercialization.
He’s explaining this as he’s propping up an aluminum pole in the middle of the living room.
“Now air out your grievances,” he said.
“What?”
“Air out your grievances,” he says again. “It’s a part of the holiday.”
I can’t think of any.
So, at that point, he shouts “Feats of Strength!” and challenges me to wrestle him.
I don’t think I like Festivus.
He leaps from the sofa, screaming with madness.
I run for the door.

Wth Daddy

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Little Terry was only five, but when mommy asked her what she wanted to do, she said “Go to the moon with Daddy.”
Her mommy smiled, made sure her daughter’s wig was on straight, and checked the IV.
Terminal cancer, while Joe was training.
Two years later, he was wrestling with the controls of the lander.
The retrorockets weren’t firing.
The vessel was falling.
Alarms screaming in his ears, lights flashing everywhere.
Everyone watched on TV.
Except for his wife and daughter.
She’d been cured of the cancer, his wife had divorced him.
She still would get the life insurance.

Everyone’s dying

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On the first night of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a cough.
By the fourth night, the virus had spread throughout the neighborhood.
And on the twelfth night, the CDC put the city under quarantine.
Men in Hazmat suits go door to door, picking up bodies and handing out drugs that we know won’t do a damned thing to cure this superbug.
The news says that it’s in Boston, Chicago, Moscow, Tokyo…
The Chinese deny making it. The Arabs blame “Zionist scientists.”
Everyone’s dying.
So is the fire. We put the suicide capsules in egg nog, and drink.

Weekly Challenge #191 – Hat

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number One Hundred And Ninety-One, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s Hat!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David.
VOTING

Which were the best stories this week?
Norval Joe
TJ
Justin
Lynda
JRadimus
Zachmann
Steven
Jeffrey
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Norval Joe

It looked like Santa’s hat, red velvet, trimmed with white rabbit’s fur. When the boy plucked it from the ground it felt rubbery and floppy, like wet leather.
Unthinking, he sat on a log in the forest glade, and placed it on his head.
He dreamed of fighting dragons. He rescued a captive princess. He aided the sick, fed the hungry and sheltered the homeless.
When the fungus on his head finally dried and crumbled to dust the hallucinogenic effect of the narcotic spores dissipated.
He was an old man, then.
There was a new king.
Nothing had truly changed.

TJ

“I found him!”
Sentox wurbled over to the console where a subordinate monitored 95 active blips representing tagged humans across the large central continent below. Or, rather, 96. Farjox Elbatia #03942/H5, or Herbert Weigel of Mott, N.D. – or rather, the red blip that represented him – had reappeared on the monitor.
Sentox furrowed his brow. H5’s signal was weakened from when he fell off the radar three years ago. So Sentox ordered an away team be deployed to install a booster suppository.
They were about to secure his tag when the blip suddenly vanished. Curses! Herbert had replaced his tinfoil hat.

Justin

The rocks filled the tunnels behind me as I slid into the dark mineshaft.
I felt around the dirt and rocks and found a helmet.
I put it on my head and felt for the light switch.
I flipped it and unbelievably it illuminated the ghosts of the miners who’d died working and toiling here.
Blind to everything but the ghosts, they led me down a series of shafts to a lift that I used to pull myself to the light.
When I looked, I was alone again.
I lowered the helmet back into the shaft to rest in peace.

Lynda

One December, I forget how long ago, a hat fell from the sky, right in front of me. It was one of those freaky red and white ones the guys at the mall wear when they get sadistic and want to be peed on by hysterical kids.
At first I was worried a bunch of reindeer poop was going to follow, but it never did.
I didn’t know what to do with the hat, so I took it home and now every year I wear it while sneaking into kid’s rooms to give them books and coats. I get arrested.

JRadimus

I re-awoke at the shock, ice-cold water mixing with warm blood and sweat. The pain that knocked me out re-awoke as well. I winced. I fought to open my eyes against the swelling. It was pointless: the light was in my face; everything was shades of black.
“Put your hands through the armholes.”
“Why?”
“So the fire ants can bite you.” – “No? OK. ‘Or else’.” He back-handed me, then squeezed my cheeks, forcing my broken jaw open. I winced again.
“Whaih?”
“Ah – Because…” He slid a forceps between my toothless gums, grabbed my tongue and pulled. “You insulted my hat.”

Zachmann

My cousin got a new hired hand named Jeff, who never took off his hat. This drove my cousin’s wife crazy at the dinner table and she almost refused to feed him but Jeff has so much skill in husbandry and horticulture that she decided let him wear a hat at the table. Jeff even wore his hat to bed. On day my cousin’s wife got too curious and took off the hat when the Jeff slept and under she found a head full gears and steam. Do tell anyone because it’s hard to find such a good farm hand.

Steven

My son puts on a newsboy cap, picks up a newspaper and his voice rings out: “Extra, extra, read all about it!”
I laugh, and he tosses the hat aside. He grabs a cop’s hat and waves a baton. A helmet, and he’s lowcrawling along the floor.
I see the fedora, but I’m not fast enough. Steel eyes gaze from under its brim.
“Couldn’t wait for the inheritance,” my father says through my son.
I stumble backward as my son, wearing my father’s hat and my father’s eyes, raises the knife.
“You never could wait,” he said.
“But I could.”

Jeffrey

I have a hat that I like a lot, but I almost never wear it out of the house. My wife says it makes me look like I am in a bad western. I think it makes me look like Jones, Dr. Jones. You know, Jr.
My kids all call me cowboy dad when I wear it, and that gets me to goofing of and saying things like, “Now you cow pokes get yerselves in the car before I have to brand ya.”
Which of course leads to my wife saying things like, “You’re a dork you know that right?”

Planet Z

Sleepy Hollow gets all the press, what with that Hessian maniac chopping off heads.
He’s gotten so popular, Salem’s complaining that nobody covers the witch trials.
Other villages hold festivals, carnivals; but they can’t compete with a monster on a horse beheading townsfolk.
Good.
You see, I’m the Headless Horseman’s agent. And his contract is an absolute gold mine.
At first, he just took panties and hats in Boston. Got branded as a pervert.
So, we relocated to the forest and tried a new tactic.
There was another agent here. Tried to sign him.
That head, I kept for myself.

The Elders

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The tribal elders are angry.
Schools, telephones, roads, Internet.
All are broken, slow, outdated.
The Bureau ignores them. The utility representatives ignore them.
“No budget. Go away.”
So, they come up with a plan.
They follow bureau chiefs and utility executives on their vacations.
They perform rain dances and ruin the vacations.
No helicopter tours. No skiing. No scuba diving. No sight-seeing.
Just restaurants, museums, and the hotels.
They are still ignored.
So, they dance harder. Angrier.
Lightning storms and a hurricane come.
The surviving chiefs and executives yield.
Schools, cell towers, roads are all built.
The elders smile.

Ten Eggs

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I watched the eggs in the incubator hatch.
Ten slimy, wobbly chicks drying off in the heat of the lamps.
They preen, standing on wood shavings.
Not yet eating, drinking. Probably tomorrow.
We’ll move them over to the other box when they’re ready.
Until then, there’s one last egg in the incubator.
It’s glowing green.
The chicks avoid it, preening and peeping on the other side of the incubator.
Wait. There’s only eight of them.
Weren’t there ten before?
The green egg glows brighter.
Maybe we won’t move them out to the other box.
Or open the incubator at all.

Eight Nights

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On the second night of Hanukkah, the rabbis were desperate.
“This re-dedication will fail,” one said. “The consecrated oil will not last another night.”
“What do we have plenty of?” said another rabbi.
They found wine. Lots of it.
“Drink!” they shouted. “Everybody take a bottle and drink yourselves stiff!”
And so, everyone drank and drunk. They drank until they passed out.
The rabbis refilled the lamps with some non-holy oil while everyone slept it off.
“Boy, did you guys party last night!” said the rabbis. “Ready to light up again?”
The real miracle was: the wine lasted eight days.

Gadgets

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The gadgets you buy today will be the junk of tomorrow.
So why not buy junk now and just be a bit behind the curve?
It’s cheaper, less stressful, and you know the things will be tried-and-tested as opposed to the buggy releases available at the bleeding edge.
The guy that I got my secondhand artificial heart from was buying a newer, fancier model. He thought it would be more reliable.
It glitched while he was in an elevator. By the time they got him to the hospital, he was dead.
While his former heart keeps on ticking in me.

Talking To Candy

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It’s the holiday season, and I am busy as a bee.
I work in a chocolate shop, and there’s no busier time than Christmas.
You’d think it would be Valentine’s Day.
No.
Just before I wrap each of these chocolate-dipped apples and hand-rolled jellies into their packaging, I whisper a message for each to announce as they are unwrapped.
“Your teeth will all rot out,” I say. “You will get fat and then suffer from diabetes.”
Then I close the foil and cellophane over the treat, affix a label, and add it to the completed batch in the shop window.

Santa’s Menorah

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The elves wanted to explore diversity and different cultures, so Santa bought a menorah and lit the candles.
“Aren’t you supposed to sing something?” asked Blitzen.
“Shit if I know,” said Santa. “This writing looks like an army of chocolate-covered ants fucking.”
Santa put all nine candles in, the elves sang Christmas carols, and they all went back to work.
“Do you smell smoke?” said Twinkletoes.
Sure enough, the workshop was on fire.
The flames spread to the reindeer barn, the elf dormitory, and Santa’s house.
“Everybody gets wood burning kits,” declared Santa.
And they all froze their asses off.