Month: April 2007

He Loves You

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God looked over His Wondrous, Unlit Creation and decided it was good.
Well, except for one thing: The Plans.
“Something not right, Boss?” asked an angel.
“Let me get this straight,” said God. “I’m supposed to act like an asshole, drive people nuts for centuries, and then send down my kid to let them know I love them?
“Right,” said the angel.
“And then they kill him,” continued God. “But then he comes back from the dead?”
“Exactly,” said the angel.
“I must have been really drunk when I wrote that shit up,” said God, and He flipped the switch.

The New Weird

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Attention!
In five minutes, we will be releasing The New Weird.
When you receive it, please review the instruction booklet, run all necessary backups, and then install The New Weird.
Should you have any problems installing The New Weird or in the chance that it fails to function normally, then don’t panic – everything is fine.
It is, after all, The New Weird.
In light of the release of The New Weird, support for The Old Weird will end in one month, at which point your Old Weird will automatically become Normal.
Thank you, and please have a Weird Day.

Catered

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My grandfather was very sick, but he had just undergone some kind of procedure or another, and he said he felt up to calling family.
His last words to me were “Heaven will be catered.”
The next day, I was at school, and I got called into the office.
I don’t remember much after that.
Was I fifteen? Sixteen?
Today, I look in the mirror.
Too fat.
I don’t breathe the same drycleaning chemicals he did that rotted out his organs, but still…
I’ve been cutting down, eating less. And exercise.
Hold my seat, Papa Willie. It’ll be a while.

The Odd Duck

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Down Highway 27, they got one of them side-of-the-road animal carnivals that’s been there forever and a day.
Forget about that boxing kangaroo or the bear that wrestles folks for ten bucks. They ain’t nothin’.
I wanna tell you about the Odd Duck: he’s a duck that quacks every other quack.
Okay, so he was a lot more interesting when the Even Duck was around, because Odd would quack once, Even would quack the second quack, and so on.
But the Even Duck got himself run over.
Now, the Odd Duck just quacks once and waits, lookin’ around for somethin’.

Pray For A Bicycle

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When Tommy was little, he wanted a bicycle.
His parents couldn’t afford one, though.
So he prayed for it.
He’d dream of that bicycle every night, but it was never there when he woke up.
The kid across the street had one. A nice, shiny red bicycle. With a thumb-bell, too!
Tommy was jealous, and he wished that kid would die so he could get it in a garage sale.
Sure enough, the kid was out riding the bike and a dump truck hit him, killing him dead.
Sadly, the bike was crushed.
He bought the thumb-bell for 25 cents.

Ass Cheek Split

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Tonight, it’s my night in the ER, and we’ve got a rabbi with a bowling pin up his ass.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen one in the emergency room.
“Have you ever seen one of these?” I asked a nurse.
“No,” she said. “I think it’s a first. I’ll add it to the book.”
Five minutes later, she says I have a call.
“Who told the media?” I asked.
“It’s not the media,” said the nurse. “It’s the bowling alley. They want the shoes back.”
“What about the pin?” I asked.
“Would you want that back?” she said.

Weekly Challenge #52 – Cats (First Anniversary)

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Welcome to the Fifty-second Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Tom of the Footnote Podcast, and it’s Cats.
Eight stories were submitted this week. Only single digits. Sad face!
No rookies are in the mix… boo!
The excellent theme music is by Guy David
And, once again, some disturbing madness from the one we all knew and loved as Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Which was the best of Weekly Challenge 52?
Planet Z
Tom from Footnote Podcast
Laieanna of HodgePodge Point
Sister Mary Edith
Rahel from Elms In The Yard
Terrence from Never Was
To4m from Stuffcast
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
Patti the SmittyGal
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
A Geeklabel.com gift certificate will be tossed in to the mix. Being first sometimes helps, so this week’s vote counts a lot.
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!

The full text of each story:
PLANET Z

While I’m at work, I can watch our cats on a set of webcams I’ve set up.
Is there a cat in my chair?
Is there a cat by the back window?
Is there a cat playing with the pile of toys?
When I get too busy to watch it real-time, I go back through the archives.
Some people call this obsessive behavior, but it’s nothing compared to all the other people watching our cats.
Sometimes, I get an instant message from them, telling me what my own cats are doing.
Our cats are Internet famous, and they have groupies.

TOM

Her head dangled over the edge of the bed. That can’t be comfortable. He puts her legs and hips upwards and back. Her eyes telegraphed question. He stared back firmly allowing no room for doubt an assurance he only acting on her behest. For one whole minute she accepted this new position. Then is a nearly perceivable motion she readjusted every muscle in her body. This action wasn’t a matter of fine tuning comfort. It was a means of reclaiming absolute supremacy and clearly informing him it wasn’t what she wanted. Sleeping with a cat is a battle of wills.

LAIEANNA

A variety of creatures have hung around our house: mice, chipmunks, birds, squirrels, raccoons, rabbits, ducks, and cats. One night during dinner on the couch, we spotted a fluffy gray visitor walking nearby. My hubby decided to feed the cat while the dogs and I watched from the window. He took his leftover piece of pork outside and called to the cat. When it refused, he chucked the meat, not trying to hit the cat, of course, but ended up scaring it off rather than helping. We occasionally reminisce about the newly named Porkchop and a good deed gone wrong.

SISTER MARY EDITH

Cats come to harm on Curiosity Farm.
Whiskers succumbed on route 151,
Kit felt the wrath of the birder’s gun,
Midnight froze up from a brown recluse bite,
Tiger took on a raccoon in a fight.
One year in spring with the thawing of snow,
We found Mrs. Mittens where the nightshades grow,
Max chased mice into the bailer,
Otherwise known as the kitty de-tailer,
Mean Mr. Blacky just never came back,
Though that spring, back in town, all the kittens were black.
Today we found Mitsie, curled up in a log,
Perhaps we should think about getting a dog.

RAHEL

She walked to the park bench. Opening her bag, she took out two bowls, filling one with cat food and the other with water from the fountain. Then she sat down to wait.
Ah, there he was! Sleek, soft and black, his silver collar glittering in the sunlight. Surely his people wouldn’t mind the extra breakfast she gave him.
Sure enough, he smelled the food and came over to her. She smiled as he rubbed her ankles and then fell to.
Friday the Thirteenth, and a black cat had crossed her path. This was going to be her lucky day.

TERRENCE

It had not taken Raoul’s father long to settle in. He had managed to
get the brimstone wholesale and that had saved them a ton. Soon they
had their first visitor and it didn’t take long for the place to start
to fill up.
Trouble started when the first fur ball showed up. On it’s own it was
only enough to upset Cerberus, but when the second one showed up all
hell broke loose. That was when Raoul’s father decided to send the
creature back. At the time, he thought nine lives would be enough to
keep the cats away.

TO4M

At the breakfast table Mildred set out the plates for the morning
meal. As she sat down with everybody Mildred felt a pang of emptiness.
Although the family was eating away hungrily no one spoke. Trying to
ease her inner tension she asked Alfred how his week had gone. He
didn’t say a word. “Did anyone do anything exciting this week?” No
one spoke. “You Bastards you only come to me when you want food. I
give you food and what do I get back? NOTHING! GODDAM YOU ALL” With
all the yelling the cats scattered from the kitchen.

TED

It didn’t begin till later in life. Oh, I’d say I was 27 or 28 before I really saw the beauty of the Holidays.
Easter for instance. You take plain ordinary eggs, dip them into food color based dye, and at once, you have a beautiful creation.
A few years back, when my kids were doing the preparation for Easter Morning, Our cat, Dingleberry jumped up on the table, knocked over all of the coloring crap, and walked away 9 different shades of Easter..
Ever since, It has been a tradition in our family. And I know the cat loves it too. Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty…

PATTI

Grandpa John lived alone in Brooklyn with his beloved cat, Lewis. When Lewis died, Grandpa John wept and told us how he buried Lewis in the park near his apartment.
Eight months later, Grandpa John died. We flew to New York and hired a cleaning team to help clear out the apartment. They started in the kitchen. It wasn’t long before we heard the frantic screams followed by running feet and the slam of the front door.
The refrigerator door was wide open. Inside, Lewis was lying on the shelf. Apparently, Grandpa John couldn’t say goodbye to Lewis after all.

Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.

Dolls

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When Lisa was a little girl, she loved to play with dolls.
But instead of dressing them up for fashion shows, she commanded them to attend tea parties.
Not invited… commanded.
She eventually grew out of playing with dolls, graduating to commanding friends and coworkers around.
It was much more fun commanding them around. After all, humans can feel, worry, think, and fear. Dolls can’t.
One day, she looked around to find herself alone at her tea party of a life, abandoned and lonely.
Still, what a pretty dress she had on. Such a lovely hat, too.
More tea, dear?

Riding Off

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The bad guys were dead and the town was saved.
We rode our horses into the sunset, whooping and hollering as the lights in the theater came up.
Jason and Leroy were unhooking from their immersion seats, saying how awesome the film was, but Eric just sat in his seat with a glassy stare.
An usher asked if he could be of assistance.
“He’s stuck,” I said.
The usher wiped Eric’s chin with a tissue and snapped his fingers three times.
“He’s stuck alright,” said the usher.
Eric never did wake up.
Sometimes, cowboys just keep riding into that sunset.

Champagne

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“A drone is a pilotless aircraft.”
“What?” I shouted.
“A drone is a pilotless aircraft,” repeated the man in the seat next to me.
He was not easy to hear over the screaming of the other passengers.
“I bet they have some peanuts left,” he continued. “Or should we hold out for the champagne from First Class?”
He reached up for the call button, but before he could press it, the other wing tore off.
That’s when he joined in on the screaming.
I guess I’m going to have the push that button myself…
That champagne had better be chilled.