Charlie Chaplin’s mustache was a fake.
He glued it on every morning.
And that glue had a unique smell. A very bad smell.
Everyone on the set of The Kid could smell it, but nobody said anything about it.
Except one.
“Ew, that stinks!” said Jackie Coogan.
Chaplin laughed. “Yes, I know it, it’s right under my nose.”
Years later, a much older Jackie Coogan played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family series.
Wardrobe offered him a white wig to wear.
“We need to glue it on…”
Remembering the stench of Charlie’s glue, Jackie shaved his head and went bald.
Month: November 2021
Weekly Challenge #814 – What’s that on your face?
LIZZIE
The crow landed on the arm of the scarecrow.
“Well, I never,” thought the scarecrow.
The crow groomed himself and just sat there.
What on earth. They were supposed to be afraid of him.
A bit of wind made the crow flap the wings briefly.
This is really too much!
“Oh, what’s that on your face?” asked the crow.
What, what? The thing was talking!
“That’s so sweet. It’s a ladybird!”
A ladybird? Where, where?
The crow laughed. “You crossed your eyes!”
The scarecrow smiled.
“Friends? I promise not to eat the crops here.”
“Friends.”
And even the ladybird smiled.
RICHARD
Big Disgrace!
“What’s that on your face?” She asked, as I stumbled through the door.
“Oh my God, is it blood? What happened to you?”
It was a reasonable question: Bruised, bloodied and battered, my clothes in disarray, and stumbling over my own feet, I must have looked a state.
“I got mugged!”
She flung her arms around me, helped me into an armchair then poured me a large whisky.
My face hurt like hell, but my self-inflicted wounds were worth it.
The whisky would mask the booze on my breath, and she’d never notice the lipstick on my collar now!
DUANE
“Oh my god, Stan! What’s that on your face?”
“It’s No-Shave November, Linda. To grow awareness about cancer.”
“Nobody should see that. It’s going to scare small children and don’t you have another date with Ellen tonight?”
“Yeah, third date and you know what means. Oh, yeah!”
“Well, good luck with that on your face.”
Later that night…
“Dinner was wonderful Stan. Too bad it was raining. Or maybe not, huh? Let’s slip out of these wet clothes.”
“Ellen, you read my mind. Let’s just… Oh my god! What’s that?”
“What? Oh, come on silly, it’s No-Shave November!”
SERENDIPIDY
“And what’s that on your face, you evil little girl?”
“It’s a smirk, sir!”
Mr Johnson’s own face flushed so red I thought he might explode, which would have been a lot of fun, and delightfully messy, but unfortunately, he didn’t.
“It’s not a laughing matter!” He hissed, “I’ll be speaking to your parents about this.”
Good luck with that, I thought, he’d need a medium or an Ouija board to speak to either!
I couldn’t see what the big deal was: I’d only squished Milly, the school hamster, with my foot.
Maybe I should have squished Mr Johnson instead?
TURA
“What’s that on your face?”
———
Charlie woke up as usual one morning, but when he turned to his wife, she screamed in panic, “What’s that on your face?”
“What?” said Charlie, touching his face. Nothing seemed wrong, but by that time she had fled from the house without even dressing.
He looked in the bathroom mirror, but the glass fell off and shattered.
He got dressed and wandered outside. Everyone who saw him screamed and fled.
An approaching car suddenly accelerated towards him. The last thing he saw was the driver’s face, grimacing in terror.
So he never did discover what was on his face.
JARED
Never Underestimate a Good Editor
Few people have read Tolkein’s early drafts of The Hobbit. The versions of some iconic moments found there are quite different from what ended up in the published manuscript. Take the riddle contest between Bilbo and Golem in the tunnels of Goblin-town, for instance. Instead of Bilbo asking Gollum ‘What’s in my pocket?”, he points at Gollum, and asks “What’s that on your face?”
The scene ultimately still led to Bilbo winning the riddle battle, but had a lot more banal dialogue along the lines of ‘above your nose’, ‘below your eye’ and ‘no, no – the other side. Your left.’
NORVAL JOE
Billbert considered Sabrina’s words. She had said the weather witches wanted him in Eureka.
She asked, “What’s that on your face?”
Billbert wiped his lips. “What? Is there food on my mouth?”
Sabrina smiled now. “No. Not food. It’s the funny expression on your face. Why are you so surprised?”
Billbert shrugged. “You just said you and your fellow witches brought me here, to Eureka. I don’t know why you would want to do that.”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Sabrina asked. “You have something we want.”
Billbert shook his head. “Everything I had burned in the fire.”
Sabrina smiled. “Not everything.”
PLANET Z
“What’s that on your face?” said my doctor.
He took out a tissue and tried to wipe it off.
When your doctor doesn’t know what something is, you know you’re in trouble.
He took biopsies and made slides, but nothing about it made sense.
Referrals to experts and specialists amounted to nothing.
It didn’t get any bigger. Or smaller. Or deeper.
It stayed the same color, which was… well,,, I can’t describe it.
But it was there.
It resisted all measure of drugs.
Eventually, my doctor prescribed me some makeup to cover it up.
“That solves that,” he said.
When life hands you… potatoes?
When life hands you lemons…
Well, life didn’t hand me lemons.
Life handed me potatoes.
Am I supposed to squeeze them and make potatoade?
Hell no. That sounds gross, potatoade.
Nobody wants that.
Maybe I’ll load my potato gun and fire it at them, the people who gave me potatoes.
Maybe I’ll make a potato-powered clock.
And count down the time until the next person gives me potatoes.
Or just a big potato battery, wires and nails in a long chain.
And the next time someone comes to give me potatoes, I’ll wire it to the doorknob.
Come on in!
Carvolo’s Muse
The museum’s latest acquisition, Carvolo’s Muse, was a mechanical doll.
Porcelain and silver, covering a wooden frame with gears and wires and springs.
Sitting on a mahogany bench at a masterfully lacquered piano.
You could shave yourself in that mirror shine.
A copper disk turned, gliding across pegs in her heart that caused the springs in her fingers to play Moonlight Sonata.
When finished, she’d wink and give the hint of a smile.
And begin again.
Carvolo was said to have made other disks, but only Moonlight Sonata survives.
When the museum’s craftsman finishes restoring her, maybe he’ll make more.
Trust is trust
Trust is measured in the weight on your heart if you betray that trust.
Burdens that others cannot carry alone, and need to share the load with you.
And so, you do.
You can’t forget that they trusted you with what they entrusted to you.
because, when you remember what has been entrusted, but not that it’s in trust, you’ve let it fall.
And you’ve failed them. So, you can’t forget.
Over time, it all piles up, everything and everyone.
Do not collapse under that weight.
Take it to your grave.
Without letting it drive you to an early one.
Barbershop quartets in the day of COVID
People are clamoring for businesses to reopen.
Nail salons, restaurants, and barber shops.
I must admit that I’m one of them.
No, I’m not one of those spoiled people wanting their hair cut and styled.
I buzzcut my own hair at home every week.
It’s the barbershop quartets I miss.
Sure, I could watch YouTube videos of them.
Or Zoom meetups.
But it’s something you need live.
Online isn’t the same.
The problem is, the masks mess with the vocal quality.
Sure, you could keep the singers six feet apart, but that messes with the harmonics.
And the visual appeal.
Stormy whether
When the weather’s nice, I like to work from home.
The problem is, the weather is rarely nice.
Either it’s too humid and hot in the summer or too rainy and cold in what passes for a winter here.
I try to remember to push the patio chairs under the table’s umbrella to keep the cushions dry, but sometimes I forget.
Or the rain comes down at an angle.
I really ought to buy some covers for the chair cushions.
But I have a cover for my chaise lounger, and I never use it.
I’ll just buy a spare cushion.
Angry parents
There are a few parents out there who are angry over schools being closed.
Some are angry that they’re all stuck at home all day with their damn kids.
Some are angry that they can’t get a hold of free school breakfasts and lunches.
Some are angry that there’s no sports for their kids to participate in.
As if they do anything but do drugs and play videogames and jerk off.
If they miss going out and doing something, send them out to work at the grocery stores, unloading trucks and stocking shelves.
Maybe they can shoplift some toilet paper.
Kelly – Arson
She felt anew…like her world was ablaze. She shook off the ash and looked around at the burning ciders. Growth only comes from shedding the old skin. Especially when that skin was an attempt to keep her from growth. Women can bring life into the world, but sometimes those amazing creatures forget that rebirth for them is just a little arson away. Just like the phoenix, she just needs a little fire and flame to become the exact version she was always supposed to be. No trappings can keep her, unless she allows it. Burn baby burn it down!
Weekly Challenge #813 – ARSON
TURA
Arson
———
“The rich are burning the planet! Burn them!” screamed the speaker.
“Burn everyone!” someone shouted. I glanced at my partner in the unmarked truck.
“Just one crazy in the crowd,” he said. “Besides, ‘everyone’ isn’t a race. Incitement to exterminate everyone is protected speech.”
“Burn the bankers!” the speaker continued. “Burn the politicians! Burn the Americans!” The crowd enthusiastically repeated every slogan.
“Got them!” I said. “If ‘American’ counts as a people these days.”
He briefly spoke with Control over the radio. “Confirmed, incitement to genocide, they’re officially over the line. ‘Any means necessary.’”
I started warming up the flamethrowers.
RICHARD
Arsonist
Take my advice and never let yourself fall for an arsonist.
When she came into my life, she was a spark that kindled a flame, that in time turned into a blaze of passion.
My desire for her burned fiercely: A fire that only intensified as our relationship blossomed, and consumed me completely, body, heart and soul.
But, unknown to me, her passion smouldered for another.
And, at the end, the embers of desire cooled and died.
Then, she snuffed me out, leaving me, burned out, charred, blackened and broken.
Hope, love and joy: Now cold ashes to the touch.
JESSICA
NO UNIFORMS IN OUR HOOD demanded the black spray paint scrawled on the siding of the luxury student housing still under construction in the informally, lovingly, appropriately named student ghetto.
When the message got scrubbed by the city’s Office of Community Beautification, the punks turned up the heat.
When the inferno scorched the developer’s dreams, the first responders doused the Molotov cocktail’s agenda.
The complex rebuilt, more law enforcement cruisers cruised, and some punks visited the other punks serving sentences for arson.
Twenty-five years later, the student ghetto is unrecognizable under its layers of regularly maintained postage-stamp yards and Ring Cameras.
LIZZIE
The box sat on the floor. Everyone was quiet, imagining the potential level of devastation it could cause.
“I thought we were torching the place,” said one of them. “These are… well, ammunition for whatever war weapon. We don’t have that weapon, do we?”
The question made them snort.
“We could get it,” another ventured.
“It must cost a fortune.”
Everyone mumbled. Destroying the place for the insurance was far more complicated than they had anticipated.
“I don’t understand… Why don’t we torch the place? Done.”
Yep, he was done alright.
Let’s face it. Simple solutions aren’t always the most fun.
SERENDIPIDY
He used to laughingly refer to my cooking as arson, poking fun at the meals that I’d slaved over in the kitchen all day long, proudly presented to him for his evening meal.
Burnt offerings, he called them.
Before grabbing his phone and ordering pizza.
Apparently, I couldn’t hold a candle to his mother’s culinary skills, and no matter what I served, he always found fault.
Too spicy, too bland, too boring, too tasteless.
Well, maybe I couldn’t hold a candle to his mother; but I could certainly hold a candle to his bed sheets.
Perfectly cooked, to a crisp!
DUANE
It was fall of ’81 as I sat in the club office going over the books. People were starting to say disco was dead and by the numbers in front of me I had no choice but to agree.
Outside I heard the DJ spinning The Tramps, “Disco Inferno”.
Just a few years ago the club was filled every night with foxy ladies and well-dressed men, all dancing and having fun. But that was then. Tonight I’m in over my head unless I can do something drastic. The music begins to mix with my thoughts.
“Burn that mother down…”
TOM
What Could GO Possible Wrong 013
With Molly draped across his chest Ford keep a steady eye on the company. He racked his brain for the where-s and why-s he had stored away on the man. Round-head motivation was pretty simple: Round-head smash. Quick and brutal, but the guy shooting dagger at him was a bit up scale. A thinking man’s round-head: a man with a plan. Wait … this fellow would later server in Parliament. Yes, he was the mastermind for the “More Incident”. There was a famous quote about that, what was it? “With comes fire”. Arson was the name of the game. Damn.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert didn’t believe Sabrina. “You say you brought us here. We came to Eureka because our house burned down. Are you saying you set the fire?”
Sabrina shook her head. “We are not into arson. We only took advantage of the situation brought on by Nuclear Fusion. She started the fire. We influenced those in command to send you here.”
“You mean, to have my parents here,” Billbert tried to clarify.
Sabrina shrugged. “Yeah. Well. You wouldn’t have come here, if your parents hadn’t been relocated to this local office. But, it’s you we need to have here, not them.”
JARED
WC 813: Arson
Unintended Consequences and Loopholes
In order to curtail witch burnings and other criminal acts of conflagration, they declared by law any intentional fire was Arson. A couple centuries later, enforcement was revived to curtail cross-burning and other racist terrorism. Recently, some crooked folks started targeting their enemies by prosecuting them for having barbecues. We added an exemption for cooking fires.
Claude’s butcher shop wasn’t doing well, so he put plates and utensils on a table outside. He used charcoal and lighter fluid to fuel the fire, and served up the inventory as it cooked. He sold the cooked meat and got the insurance payout.
€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€
WC 812 Unsure
Uncertainty Abounds
We didn’t know why she was in such pain.
They found a tumor and abdominal abscess. They started chemo.
She developed a fever. They found the abscess returned. They also found out the cancer had spread into her bones. They didn’t know why the chemo hadn’t worked, but they tried another approach.
She thought her back pain was from her improvised work-from-home-station. We bought an office chair and a portable desk. Then she thought it was her 20-year-old mattress, so we bought a new one. It persisted all the same. Now we are waiting for a kyphoplasty in three weeks.
€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€
PLANET Z
The city is beautiful and old,
But the buildings, well, they’re all replicas.
The original buildings from centuries ago were all destroyed in the war.
After the war, rubble was cleared, and new buildings were built.
All replacements of the originals, based on the original blueprints.
Well, they did make small changes to allow for indoor plumbing, and electrical outlets and conduits, and air conditioning and central heating.
But they didn’t allow for another war.
The city was leveled again.
They’d have rebuilt it again, but everyone was killed in the war, and there was nobody left to rebuild it.