The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 33

Abe spent a lot of time in the White House Telegraph Office during the war, waiting for news and casualty figures. But as the war progressed, the delays mysteriously increased.
“Are the rebels damaging transmission lines?” asked Abe.
“No, sir,” said the operator. “It’s these damned advertisements for canned pork products tying things up.”
“Pork products?” asked the president.
“Yes,” said the operator. “If only there was a name for them.”
“Well, let me know when offers come through to thicken my penis,” said Abe. “It’s certainly long enough to reach the ground by now.”
“Aye, sir,” said the operator.