Milk and Fuck You

It’s a tradition to leave out milk and cookies for Santa, and you don’t mess with traditions.
Or so I thought.
I woke up to an angry fat man in red and white, smashing the plate of cookies against my face.
“CHEAP FUCKIN’ OREOS!” bellowed Santa.
Then he drank the milk. And spat it out. Right into my bloody, cookie crumb-covered face.
“SKIM MILK? WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?”
I was too terrified to move.
“Tell the world I want caviar and champagne. Or I burn every motherfucking house down.”
He vanished up the chimney.
Next year, I’m doing Hanukkah.