For better or worse bagels

I like bagels.
I especially like to toast bagels, then smear on some cream cheese, and snip some fresh chives and herbs from the garden for them.
The problem is, the better and more artisan the bagel, the more lopsided it is.
And it’s a bitch to slice cleanly to fit into the toaster.
So, you need a bagel guillotine. And a bagel toaster.
And a special bagel schmearer.
Screw all that. It’s six in the morning. I’m not fucking around, I just want something to eat.
The supposedly better and more authentic the bagel is, the worse it is.