LISA
The Gift
It wasn’t just his horrific crimes. It was how prolific he was. The police were baffled. The same piercing blue eyes stared out from photofits on investigation boards all around the country.
It was in Burnley that a newly qualified DS noticed the latest victim’s Tiffany necklace. The first victim had one too. It was a huge breakthrough.
At the jewellers they discovered the same necklace had been sent to every victim. They had him. The invoice address led them to a contact lens warehouse where they found yet another necklace but with a note –
For you, DS Tunstall xx
RICHARD
Contact Lens
“Excuse me, you couldn’t possibly give me a hand by any chance?”
The woman had the face of an angel. It was love at first sight!
“You see, I’ve lost my contact lens, and I wondered if you had a moment to help me find it?”
My heart fluttered – there it was, the code phrase: ‘I’ve lost my contact lens’
Quickly I responded: “The Mexican has a big moustache!”
“What?”
I repeated myself, then asked her for the drugs.
She gave me an exasperated look, then gasped, “There it is!” Peeled the lens from her coat, and briskly walked away.
LIZZIE
“This is a contact lens.”
“Where’s the other one?”
He chuckled, burying his feet in the sand.
“Look.”
He held it close to his eye and the wind picked up and the waves became wild.
“What’s happening?”
“Want me to kill that bird?”
Before she could say no, the bird just dropped dead.
Horrified, she stood up.
“Where did you get that?”
“Aliens. I meet them every Sunday after church.”
“Aliens?! Dead birds?”
He smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do with it.”
“Rain, dude, make fucking rain. Useless aliens… Giving you, of all people, a… freaking contact lens.”
SERENDIPIDY
I have this great little trick I do with contact lenses, I soak them overnight in chilli oil then, once you’re suitably restrained, I pop them into your eyes.
It’s so much easier, and far less messy than pulling out your fingernails with pliers, and nowhere near as distasteful as clipping electrodes to your private parts.
Yet, for all its simplicity, it gets results, almost every time.
And, on the rare occasions it doesn’t work, I always keep a pair of pliers handy, just in case.
They’re not for your fingernails.
I’m going to use them to remove the lenses!
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina looked offended by Linoliamanda’s comment. “I don’t know how you can tell anything with eyes like yours. What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your contact lenses?”
Billbert was surprised and offended by Sabrina’s rude behavior and began to intervene on his old friend’s account. “Sabrina!”
Linoliamanda cut him off. “That’s okay, Billbert. It’s a family trait, on my father’s mother’s side. I should wear glasses, but I’m afraid I would look silly.”
Before Sabrina could make another cutting comment, Linoliamanda added, “Wait. You’re a witch. Don’t you have a spell you could cast to make my eyesight better?”
PLANET Z
Jamie liked to step outside, kneel down on the sidewalk, and pretend she’d lost a contact lens.
People would stop to help her, and eventually she’d stop and pretend to find it and put it in its case to wash later.
And she’d thank the people who’s helped her,, and if any of the guys sounded cute, she’d tell them her number to text her theirs.
She’d go back inside, and her roommate would look them up.
“This one’s cute,” she said.
“I’ll call him later,” Jamie said, picking up her cane and glasses. “Need anything from the store?”