- Lisa
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Lewie
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LEWIE
The newspaper described John as an idiot. Frustrated, he threw the paper down in his lap.
“That editor is a complete idiot,” he said.
His wife, well aware of the outdated clinical classifications, asked, “How does that compare to an incomplete idiot?”
John stared at her, irritated, trying to understand her point.
“He called me an idiot,” he explained.
“The last I checked, both you and he had PhDs.” she replied. “I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”
John grumbled behind the newspaper, “As you wish”, and continued reading the article written by a complete idiot.
RICHARD
Qualified Opinion
Correct me if I’m wrong: it seems to me that these days that to hold a position of leadership in politics, the primary qualification is to be a complete idiot.
Gone are the days when integrity, honesty and the capacity to hold one’s own in a debate without resorting to crudity and insults were key qualities of one in such positions.
Neither do you need to champion, listen to, or otherwise care about the people you represent.
Maybe it’s time we made them wear the red noses, make-up and giant shoes, and fool around like the clowns they clearly are.
LISA
A Subscription Kit
It’s something I can’t miss out on. The first collaboration with Lego and a subscription provider. A weekly lego delivery offering the chance to build a limited edition piece over a year.
I sign up immediately.
Initially, it’s reasonably priced. And then it doubles. And then the cost doubles again. And I can’t back out because although it’s only one tiny block I’m getting a month I need to finish to see the bigger picture.
By Christmas I’ve built a small frame. The last issue contains a little mirror and a tube of glue. My complete idiot lego kit done.
LIZZIE
The ticket booth was empty.
“I guess it’s free today.”
When he entered the fairgrounds, a man chasing him yelled, “Ticket, ticket!”
He explained that he did try to buy a ticket.
The man waved his hand dismissively.
“How many?”
He replied, “One.”
The man looked at him. “Now you must pay for two.”
“Two?! Why?”
“Because I say so.”
Wrong answer, he thought. “Do you have a death wish?”
The man blinked.
“Give me one ticket.”
The man gave him one ticket and charged him for two.
Good thing there was a loose plank right next to the booth.
SERENDIPIDY
Only a complete idiot would leave their fingerprints and DNA all over the scene of a crime they’d just committed, right?
Naturally, I don’t consider myself to be an idiot, so I always take particular care to avoid contaminating the scene with any evidence that might incriminate me.
Paper overalls, gloves and a face mask are essential; hilariously, I employ exactly the same approach as the forensic investigators who come after me!
However, you will find plenty of fingerprints and other evidence all over my handiwork.
It’s stuff I’ve kept from my previous victim: call it, recycling, if you like!
TOM
To long a list to even index by topic.
Complete idiot is my default state. Rushing head long into some enterprise way out side my skill level. I would not be so bad if it didn’t impact someone counting on the success of the final effect. Once someone ask be to build a two feq. dome in their bedroom. I used a tight grain pine, beautiful warm brown. And the miters prefect, edges chamfering. All had to do it put a clear seal, but no I decided to paint it Robin Egg blue. Yes, Complete Idiot, client rejected it. Lost major coin on that project and a second commission.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert held up his hands. “Now I’ve got a ring on each of my hands. No one else at school wears even one. I’ll feel like a complete idiot.”
He started to pull the ring from his finger.
Mandi blurted, “Don’t take it off.”
Billbert’s hand, reaching for the ring, obediently dropped back to his lap.
He had a sinking feeling. He stood up and exclaimed, “Does this ring make me do whatever you tell me?”
She waved her hand at him. “Oh, be quiet. Of course not.”
Unable to speak, Billbert mouthed the words at Mandi, “I can’t talk.”
PLANET Z
Saint Mathurin is the Patron Saint of Idiots.
Not to be mistaken for Saint Simeon Salos, who looks after fools.
He himself was not a fool, he only pretended.
But between idiots and fools, there’s a difference.
Not that you’d notice, being an idiot.
Although Mathurin also looks after clowns, jesters, and plumbers.
I’m not sure how plumbers fits in with them.
They’re pretty smart, charging so much, while you’re the one standing there like a fool, staring at their asscrack as they fix a leak under the sink.
Speaking of which, here’s my bill.
Cash, please.
I’m no fool.