The bomber arrived at the cafe before the scientist did.
He screamed his fiancee’s name into the fire.
Setting up a research foundation in her name wasn’t enough… he had to do something.
So, he went back to his lab, and completed his time machine.
He went back in time, and shot the bomber.
Pulling off his mask… revealing his own face.
“You’ll see,” he whispered before dying.
That didn’t matter. They were together again.
And yet, the research they did together… it was… well, truly, profoundly evil.
He sighed, and began work on a time machine.
And a bomb.
The Matrix
Neo walked into a dilapidated house and sat in a chair opposite his hero, Morpheus.
Morpheus offered Neo two pills… a red one and a blue one.
The red one represented code that would let Neo forget everything and go back to his life.
The blue one represented code that would free Neo from the illusionary world and let him escape.
Or was that the red one?
Neo got confused.
He shrugged, swallowed them both, and drank a glass of water.
The Matrix didn’t expect this, and it crashed.
“Goddamned validators,” growled Agent Smith, dissolving into a puddle of sparks.
Buford’s coffee
Buford saw on the news that there was a rare type of coffee that sold for hundreds of dollars a pound.
It came from beans eaten by a species of jungle cat that were then excreted and gathered up by farmers.
Buford went to the shelter, picked up a dozen tomcats, and brought them home.
Then he filled up some bowls with coffee beans and locked them all up in a room.
“Eat, you fuckers!” he shouted.
Needless to say, Buford’s bold new business venture went under rather quickly.
“Maybe I should have washed them turds off first?” he mumbled.
Jussie the witch who hunted
Okay, so this black actor shows up at the hospital all beaten up with a rope around his neck, and he says he was attacked by white supremacist Trump supporters.
Liberals go crazy on social media, screaming how white people and conservatives and Trump are evil, and the guy demands justice.
But during the police investigation, he refuses to hand over his phone to the police and it turns out that he’d hired a pair of Nigerian assistants to beat him up.
Liberals scrub their social media of all references to the fake martyr.
I guess that’s justice for you.
Dawson’s Creek
Bobby Dawson lived by the creek, so he called it Dawson Creek.
Ginger Blake lived in the house next door.
She hated Bobby Dawson, so she insisted on calling the waterway Blake Stream.
Brook Parson was on the other side of Bobby Dawson, and she hated both of the other kids.
He lived by Parson Brook.
Ginger would mock Brook by saying “Why don’t you call it Brook’s Parson?”
Ginger disappeared, and a pile of rocks appeared in the waterway.
“That’s Blake Island,” Brook told the police.
It took them an hour to dig Ginger’s body out from under it.
Weekly Challenge #770 – Get a life!
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Jared
- Rick
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
Trip, fall, get up, stand straight.
Trip, fall, get up, stand straight.
Trip, fall, get up, stand straight.
Drip, crawl, fed up, stand straight.
Drip, maul, fed up, stand.
Blip, tall, fed up, stand.
Trip, trip, drip, blip.
Sip.
Stand.
Straight.
Hate, hate, hate!
Hate…
Well, trip, stand, wait.
The tap sang this song. Drip, trip, blip. On and on.
Stand, wait, stand, wait.
The tap sang this song. On and on.
Skip, blip.
Skip, stand.
Skip, wait.
Skip, the tap sang this song, skip.
No.
Skip.
No.
Slip.
No.
Stand.
Life? What? Life?
What life?
Get a life.
Trip.
RICHARD
Ambition
I really need to get a life!
All day, every day, I spend my waking hours sat at this keyboard, staring at this screen.
My sleepless nights are filled with restless thoughts, mind churning constantly with ideas and plans, few of which ever come to fruition.
Then it’s back to the keyboard.
Coffee. Aspirin. Irritation.
I thought I was pursuing something noble and worthwhile; something rewarding and respectable, but what it all boils down to is…
Me, sat at this keyboard, staring at this screen.
My only achievement: A hundred words about how I really need to get a life!
SERENDIPIDY
Tonight I’m going out.
I’m going out to get a life, to take it from another and make it my own.
I will drink their blood, feast on their flesh and steal their soul, and when I am done, they will be no more and I will live once again.
Every night another life, another victim – their passing is my sustenance, one more day that I shall survive and live to kill again.
I consider it a fair trade: An eye for an eye, a life for my life; survival of the fittest.
And so far, it’s always been me!
TOM
A Retiring Position
I spend my waking days interviewing county officials. I would be cooler if the ceiling in the room had a field of stars in a deep sky blue. A visual cue which could only be enhanced by red robes and a fully functional rack in the corner. I joke: “Let me show you the instruments of the question.” Funny, no? Some might say, you really need to get a life. I return, If one would give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest man, I would find something in them to have him hanged. Who’s next?
NORVAL JOE
Mr. Blanketmaker put his arm around his wife. “Honey. I know you’re upset. We all are. You can’t allow yourself to become consumed by a personal vendetta.”
Billbert’s mother looked at her husband crosseyed. “I think the one with a vendetta is Nuclear Fission. I’d like to tell her to get a life and move on, but you have to agree. She’s a little more invested in this battle than that.”
Billbert cleared his throat. “Um. Mom. What does Nuclear Fission have against you?”
She shook her head. “It goes way back. She and I used to be best friends.”
JARED
“If It Seems Too Good to Be True”
Warren couldn’t wait to get to school and show those jerks he wasn’t the loser they thought he was. He had ordered a new Life from the back of a comic book and it had finally arrived. He didn’t really know what it was, exactly, but he he packed it carefully into his backpack and walked with pride and purpose to the bus stop. His bubble was quickly and thoroughly burst.
“Dork!”
“Weirdo!”
“I didn’t think you could be more of a loser.”
He thought back to the ad. And the $1.99 price. And learned , you get what you pay for…
RICK
Get A Life
“Get a life” they said.
Problem is that’s kind of vague.
Life comes in all shapes and sizes …
Some people fill their life with family … friends, others … perhaps … with work, achievement, and material possessions.
Some spend their adult years cherishing memories of youth, while others are faced with the task of trying to drink away nightmares scenarios, or acts of horror that have played out before their eyes.
Frank’s life had been the latter type.
A failure of a son.
A failure as a parent.
… alienated everyone who had tried to befriend him.
Gun in his mouth
Frank pulled the trigger.
cPLANET Z
Laws are lies we tell ourselves and others to do better.
But, really, we can’t, or shouldn’t, or won’t actually do better.
Deficits are lies that we tell ourselves that we can afford whatever this is.
That we can’t, or shouldn’t, or won’t actually afford.
Debts are lies that we tell ourselves that we will pay this all back.
That we can’t, or shouldn’t, or won’t actually pay.
We can’t keep lying to ourselves.
We shouldn’t lie to ourselves.
But we keep lying to ourselves about the lies.
We say that we’ll stop the lies.
But we can’t. And won’t.
Knave James
The team’s owner said that the superstar would make them great.
To sign him, they had to trade away all of their other players and hire scrubs at the league minimum.
The superstar couldn’t do it all on his own, so the team came in last for the season.
The fans left in droves, the front office were all sacked, the owner declared bankruptcy, and the team was sold to new ownership.
They received premium draft picks as part of the sale, and the next year, they were great.
“Okay, so they’ll be great next year,” said the previous owner.
The P in ESPN stands for Parasite
A reporter was fired from ESPN for leaking company information.
He’d built his career off of gathering leaked information from sources, and the network gladly broadcasted it in between their commercials.
But when the network itself was the story, they fired him without hesitation.
Nobody surrounded the network, harassing the executives and staff for information.
They just read the statement on the air, and breathed a sigh of relief that they also weren’t fired.
Parasites never like to be picked from a nice juicy source of blood, and that’s why they hiss when you pierce them with a hot needle.
The comfortable chair
I have a decent office chair, but my guest chair is boring and simple.
Oh, sure, it has wheels, but it’s not very comfortable.
That shouldn’t be a problem, considering that I don’t want guests to stay long in my office, but they stay even longer to complain about how uncomfortable the chair is.
Or they stand, complaining about the uncomfortable chair.
So, I ordered a comfortable guest chair.
Now, guests stay even longer, saying how comfortable the chair is.
I gave up, took my laptop outside, and worked from under a tree.
It’s okay… until it starts to rain.
The biggest city
The city is huge
It’s the biggest city I’ve ever seen.
Because it’s the only city I’ve ever seen.
Long ago, there were many cities.
And they grew. And grew.
Until all of the cities came together.
And there was just one city left. As big as the world.
Then the city grew the only way it could grow: up.
And the city grew up so far, that the city became bigger than the world itself.
So far, the air got too thin to live in.
Sealed windows, and one fool tapping on the glass.
And then everything blew apart.