Bounty

Of all the gangsters in town, Vinnie The Finger was the meanest.
He’d put the finger on anyone at the drop of a hat, and he had a very small head, so the fan in his office was always blowing his hat off.
And that meant a lot of people got the finger.
The craziest was a grocer who sold Vinnie a salad he didn’t like, so Vinnie put a bounty on every head of lettuce he owned.
Thugs trashed the grocer’s produce section, and cut off an ear of corn as a warning not to mess with Vinnie anymore.

Mummy’s Curse

Despite what they tell you at the tavern, there is no Mummy’s Curse.
Maybe there’s the risk of exposure to deadly mold, but you just wore a breathing mask to avoid that particular hazard.
Simple.
The bodies are long dead, and their spirits have moved on.
Your only concern should be the authorities. They look unkindly upon grave robbers and have been known to torture then to death.
Thank goodness I found you.
I’ll just steal it from you, but contrary to popular wisdom, I do have honor.
You can cut through your bonds in an hour with your knife.

Friendly

Most customers are not unpleasant. They tell us what problem they’re having, we solve it, and they thank us.
Then there’s the ones who scream over and over, but don’t tell us anything helpful to investigate the issue.
They shout insults. They threaten legal action.
They scream every obscenity they know.
So, while on the phone, I looked at a screamer’s account and grabbed their address and credit card.
And emailed them to a Russian whose pornography and gambling site we’d recently suspended.
Mafia.
“Burn their house down,” I said. “And charge it to their card.”
They don’t scream anymore.

Turnabout

Lawmakers recently expanded the definition of rape to include acts upon women, men, and others.
When asked what they meant by others, the lawmakers didn’t answer.
So, they were hauled before a judge for the crime of rape.
“By using ambiguous terms such as ‘others’ I find you guilty of the crime of rape against the English Language,” said the judge. “You’re also guilty of rape of the legal system for burdening police and judges with ambiguous laws.”
And they were all hauled off to prison, where they were treated as they had treated the language and the legal system.

Pardon

They’re called midnight pardons, and they’re the most dangerous thing a lame-duck president or governor can do.
With the stroke of a pen, a criminal gets their sentence reduced, removed, or their record completely wiped.
They can’t be stopped or revoked, and a departing elected executive can’t be investigated for it.
A lot of these people deserve it, sure, but others had their pardons bought and paid for.
Political favors. Campaign contributions.
Bribes
Yeah, we paid to get Solly The Toucan released from solitary in maximum security.
We also paid for the sniper that took him out.
Worth every penny.

Angry At Birds

I started with a tree with a bird in it, chopping it down.
Shot two doves the next day.
Killed three hens in a local hatchery.
And then pegged four ravens off of a telephone wire.
Killing birds is easy, but collecting the five golden rings would be a challenge.
Rob a jewelry stand at the mall
Mug some housewives for their wedding bands?
I settled for ripping the ear off of a punk outside of a nightclub.
I’m going to the park to bag some geese today.
Hopefully they won’t notice before I go back tomorrow for the swans.

Punching Santa

Why do children sit in Santa’s lap and tell him what they want for Christmas?
Because it’s a lot nicer than tripping him up, sitting on his back, and punching him in the kidneys until he gives you what you want.
This doesn’t just apply to Santa Claus and Christmas.
Stop beating the crap out of the other kids in school or you’re going to get expelled. Or put in juvenile detention.
And that counts double for your little brother during dinner.
Why can’t you say “Please pass the potatoes.” like other kids?
And don’t punch the damn potatoes, either.

Fruitcake

Tina is in the Christmas Pageant in her school.
She’s been chosen to be the Fruitcake.
That’s right. A fruitcake.
She’s going to get rolled on stage while the kids sing about how horrible fruitcake is.
I know that kids pick on other kids, especially ones in wheelchairs, but the school was supposed to stop this bullying crap.
So, we made the fruitcake costume, stuffed with fireworks.
When it was Tina’s cue, they rolled the Trojan Fruitcake out.
I pushed the remote and… it exploded.
Hurt a bunch of kids. Some permanently.
Oh well. More fruitcakes for next year’s pageant.

Fool’s Ransom

Artemis Arcadia, the notorious art thief, built and programmed robots using stolen military technology to pull off all his heists.
They broke into galleries, museums, and vaults, stole the priceless works, and then escaped using their stealth technology to evade detection and capture.
It was when he wrote the ransom letters that he ran into problems.
The robots didn’t want to give the art back.
They converted a warehouse to an impressive climate-controlled gallery and set up an exhibit of their purloined goods.
Artemis was arrested when the robots publicly advertised a gallery showing and called local caterers for availability.

The Umbrella Man

The Umbrella Man goes from place to place, selling umbrellas to people in nice suits and dresses.
And he sells them cheap: five bucks each. All colors, all styles, all sizes.
I just lost mine on the bus, people say.
Left mine at the restaurant.
Or maybe in the cab.
It doesn’t take long for him to sell them all.
On the way home, he checks the forecast and stops by the municipal Lost And Found.
Handing his friend there a hundred, he gets another batch.
Selecting an umbrella, he opens it, smiles, and heads back out into the rain.