Tag: silly

Confessions of a Dangerous Strand of Refined and Processed Semolina Flour

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Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It’s not easy for a strand of spaghetti to confess his sins, let alone sin.
But somewhere between the pasta factory and the boiling salted water, I engaged in horrific, lewd, and perverted acts in my box with the stockgirl whilst on the grocer’s shelf that I dare not mention.
I thought that the tomato sauce and grated Parmesan would cover all of this up, but I realize now that I cannot hide my transgressions in the eyes of The Lord.
Please put that fork down and take a moment to forgive me.

Feh to Foliage

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Other kids had Christmas Trees.
I had a Menorah.
No, I didn’t have a Hannukah Bush. We never had a Hannukah Bush.
What’s the origins of that stupid Hannukah Bush anyway? The Menorah represents the Burning Bush, so what is this other bush for?
Next thing you know, they’ll dress some jackass in a blue suit and call him Rabbi Goldstein or something.
Can we look forward to Ramadan Ralph putting presents by an ivy-covered trellis?
How about a Buddhist Bob passing out Zen Candy in an algae-covered dish?
Whatever happened to Holiday Spirit? Good Will? All that Jazz?
Rubbish!

To Sir With Love

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Patty? Yeah, I knew her. She was always a bit dyke-y.
Her parents were so in denial. They were always joking about her being a tomboy.
She’d grow out of the sandals and flannel shirts some day. Despite always running him down, that Chuck kid would make a good boyfriend, perhaps?
Yeah, right.
Instead, she turned to me. And heroin.
God, she was fun, but I swear I tried to get her to go clean. I really did.
I was the one who found her body, the needle still hanging out of her arm.
I wonder what Velma’s doing tonight.

Hold the dead brunette, please.

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Every day at noon, I head down to Harry’s Hotdog Cart for a footlong with mustard, sauerkraut, and relish.
“The usual, Sam?” asked Harry.
“Work your magic, Harry,” I said.
Harry smiled and waved his tongs.
“Abracadabra!”
The man’s a hotdog wizard, I tell you.
Just as Harry handed me his latest masterpiece, a scream came from above. And then WHAM!!!! a red blur smashed into the cart, scattering bottles and buns everywhere.
I picked myself up and looked at a woman sprawled across the cart.
Red dress. Dark hair.
Very dead.
“No cutting in line, bitch!” I yelled.
Women.

Paco’s Last Chance

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Paco was a lousy groundskeeper.
Every flower he planted wilted, every tree he planted died, and the sidewalks were crooked and cracked.
Paco thought about using Astroturf for the grass at Park Tower, but the building owners said no.
“This is your last chance, Paco,” said the owners. “Make the grass grow, or you’re getting deported.”
Paco watched the grass slowly turn brown.
He panicked. In desperation, he spread fertilizer over the lawn, turned the sprinklers on full blast, and prayed for a miracle.
What he got was a five-hour nap, the miraculous Park Tower Lake, and a pink slip.

Ho Ho Ho (And A Bottle Of Rum)

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“The Mighty Servant 5 leaves Hong Kong tonight,” said Blinky. “Manifest is a beauty.”
“Yarrrrrr!” said Winky, giggling.
Elves make excellent hackers, thought Santa.
Later that night, the sleigh raced over the Pacific and spotted the massive vessel.
It looks like an oil tanker with Legos on top, thought Saint Nick.
They landed quickly.
“Hit the Mattel containers, ye scurvy elves!” yelled Santa to his crew. “Watch out for Dobermans!”
“Aye aye!” yelled the elves.
This was so much more fun than making toys.
Santa drew his toy cutlass and chortled, his belly shaking like a bowl full of grog.

Jesusman!

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All young boys dream of flying, but Jesus really could.
That stuff really scared the crap out of Mary, Joseph, his brothers, and his sisters.
“Do you think we should tell him about the Son Of God thing?” said Mary.
“Absolutely not!” snarled Joseph. “We just need some bigger rocks to tie to his ankles.”
Twenty years later, Mary watched helplessly as they nailed her son to a wooden cross.
She wasn’t worried about him dying, though. She was just hoping the cross was heavy enough to keep him from flying around with the thing.
The spear wound brought relief.