Due to a logistical error, the Baby New Year ended up in the womb of a crack-smoking teen runaway in Boise, Idaho, and he was born two months premature.
It caught the world completely off guard.
Not only did everything really suck for a while as the unhealthy year struggled to survive inside its incubator, but companies shed hundreds of thousands of jobs because the whole Christmas shopping season was lost.
“We’ll make Valentine’s Day the big shopping day!” they said, but there’s only so many chocolates and edible panties the market can bear.
Here’s hoping next year’s better, friends.
Tag: mystery
The Christmas Miracle
Something strange and wonderful is happening during the holidays.
People are reporting that gifts and important expensive purchases they’ve put on lay-a-way at Q-Mart have been paid off by total strangers.
“It’s a Christmas Miracle!” they say, hugging each other as they strap the baby crib to the roof, or stuff the trunk with shoes, jeans or other crap poor people give each other instead of real gifts.
That’s when the store chain started getting complaints. It turned out that their contractors in India had transposed a few digits, and it was a bunch of billing errors, not good Samaritans.
Holiday Tradition
It’s a holiday tradition that the kids get to open a present on Christmas Eve and then the rest on Christmas Day.
It’s fun to watch them picking up and shaking the boxes, figuring out which to open first.
They’ve been asking for a puppy for years, but I didn’t think they were old enough for one.
Until now.
The box was in front of the others, and the puppy kept trying to get out, whining and barking.
They picked the box up, and shook it.
Hard. Really hard.
It stopped whining.
Silence.
Hrm. Maybe they’re not old enough yet.
In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and then he called an insurance company to get a quote.
They hovered over the waters of the formless empty earth, came up with a figure within God’s budget, and they signed the policy.
Afterwards, when God separated night from day, land from water, and made all kinds of other things, He didn’t bother to update the policy.
That’s why he was so pissed about the apple and the Garden of Eden, although He did eventually manage to collect on His son’s life insurance policy.
Jesus took half, of course.
A New Day
Bob drove to the store, found a parking space, and carried a box to the Customer Service Desk.
“How can I help you?” said the clerk.
Bob opened the box, and he poured out a busted-up, no-good day onto the counter.
“That was yesterday,” he said. “It really, really sucked. I’d like to exchange it for a day that doesn’t suck.”
The clerk looked over the broken bits, took the receipt from Bob’s hand, and checked with a manager before offering an exchange for store credit.
Bob gladly signed the voucher, thanked the clerk, and walked to the Friday aisle.
Brother Theodore
Brother Theodore was very proud that knew the nine hundred and ninety-nine names of God.
“God has one thousand names,” said the Abbot. “Recite them now for me.”
Theodore tried, but he could not remember the thousandth name.
As punishment, he was strapped to a table, and for the next five days, as he was forced to the recite them once again, and the names of God were burned into his skin.
Until… he stopped.
“And the thousandth?” asked the Abbot.
Theodore tried, but he couldn’t remember.
The one he forgot was branded on to the tip of his tongue.
The House Of Hate
The House Of Hate is having a yard sale.
I walk my dog past the House Of Hate every day, so I figured I’d stop by and check out what they’re getting rid of.
There were a few card tables set up on the front lawn, piled high with boxes and other things.
Two old ladies were looking through some scarves, and a fat guy was browsing the comic books.
That was when I realized I’d left my wallet at home, so I walked the dog home.
I hung up the leash, sat down on my couch, and watched football.
The Icy Path
It’s cold and icy out, and I slipped on the sidewalk and fell.
Someone helped me back up, but backed away when he looked at my face.
“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong with my face?”
I felt it, there wasn’t any pain… I didn’t see any blood on my hands.
“Where’s the nearest bathroom?” I asked, but nobody answered. They just backed away, frightened by me.
I growled in frustration, and that’s when I heard it.
The animal.
The beast.
The demon.
The sidewalks had cleared, and a priest was making his way towards me, cross held high.
I ran.
The Dragon
There was an island north of Scotland that would crown the girl with the purest heart their Winter Princess and send her off to The Dragon Of The Hill.
That’s what they called The Mother Superior in the church’s school, and she’d welcome the girl into the convent and the other Sisters Of Mercy.
Some became nurses in the hospital.
Others became teachers in the school.
And one or two were groomed to become the next Dragon Of The Hill.
Today, the island is quiet, and one final Dragon watches the snow outside her window, waiting… watching, praying silent prayers.
Dynasty
In the center of the city stands The Tower Of Kings.
King Albert The First was placed in a small tomb in the city square.
His son, King Albert The Second, asked that his tomb be built on top of his father’s.
As did his own son.
Over the centuries, each successive King Albert insisted his tomb be built on top of the stack, each tomb rendering the structure more unstable and necessitating reinforcement and buttressing of The Tower.
When The Tower falls, so will The Dynasty Of Albert.
Good riddance. Because they’re all a bunch of crazy tomb-stacking assholes.