The nurse told me that I can’t eat anything after midnight because I am having surgery early tomorrow.
But the truth is that I am a gremlin.
Feeding a gremlin after midnight turns them into an evil scaly predator that causes havoc and mayhem.
And getting a gremlin wet causes them to pop out warped clones.
I smile, close my eyes, and say “wet or dry, a sponge bath is a sponge bath.”
It’s certainly better than the food, which explains why there aren’t any evil scaly gremlins walking around causing havoc.
Or is it because visiting hours are over?
Tag: personal
Power Off
When my wife went on vacation, she told me to have a good time, take care of the cats, and not break anything.
I’m batting zero for three.
I broke my elbow, haven’t had a very good time in the hospital having my elbow rebuilt, and it’s hard to take care of the cats from a hospital bed.
I haven’t told her any of this because she hasn’t turned on her phone, and I don’t have the number of the place where she staying.
Oh well. it’s a vacation, right? So, have a good time – that’s what really matters.
The Cord
When I arrived at the emergency room on Saturday, alone and helpless, my phone battery was dying.
My friends contacted the hospital gift shop, and by the time I reached my room, a spare charging cord was delivered.
That phone was my lifeline to family and friends.
On Monday, my mother-in-law arrived with my laptop, and I pulled out a spare cord from the laptop bag.
Just then, a careless orderly broke the gift cord.
It lasted just long enough to do its job, and then sacrificed itself so the orderly wouldn’t break anything else important, like my other arm.
It’s Bath Time
I stood naked in the bathtub, a black plastic bag tied around my broken right arm.
Sitting down slowly in the warm soapy water my first real bath in a week.
It felt so good the water on my skin, the heavy stink of the hospital bed slowly scrubbed away by the washcloth in my wife’s hands, gliding over my body.
I lean forward, and she scrubs my back.
I lean back, and she scrubs my chest.
My neck.
My legs.
My good arm.
She leaves me there in the tub to soak and think.
Just breathe, and weep helplessly.
The Pills
Today, I broke my elbow.
I got careless on my bike and fell.
Tomorrow, I will have orthroscopic surgery to set the bone with pins.
Until then I am laying in this hospital bed, texting friends with my good hand and writing crap like this.
Sadly, the medication is not strong enough to make this story interesting.
All things considered, I’d rather none of this be interesting. I’d rather have had a twisted or sprained elbow and a taxi cab home.
Or no injury at all.
The nurses here with my pills I’ll ask for stronger stuff. (for your sake)
My Table
This is my favorite restaurant.
I have my own table here.
And I have my own chair, too.
They keep a special set of fine silverware for me.
And I’ve got my own wine glass. With a fully-stocked wine cellar to serve me from.
My personal waiter takes my order from the menu they printed just for me.
He goes back to the chef that works in my kitchen, using the ingredients they bought for my meal.
That’s when I hear the commotion from outside.
They’re towing my car? From my special parking place?
Unspeakable!
I’ll never come here again!
Guest
It rarely gets cold during Winter in Houston, but it’s cold enough on some mornings for a jacket and gloves.
I was walking to the bus stop when I felt an odd tickle in my left sleeve.
Was my elbow acting up in the cold?
No. It was a crawling sensation along my arm.
So, I took off my glove, pulled my arm out of the jacket, and there was a mouse in my hand.
I put it on the ground to let it scamper off.
Clever thing. It waited until it was far from our cats to reveal itself.
Keyboard Error
In high school, we used Macintoshes. We learned how to use a mouse and copy-paste things in word processors.
There were Macs in college, too. I got quite handy with the fan key and X for cut, C for copy, and so on.
My first job was in a Windows shop. The Control key did the commands.
For almost 20 years, I’ve been using Windows and Control-C for copy, Control-V for paste.
Now, I’m in a Mac shop. It’s fan-C for copy.
I am trying, but I keep hitting the wrong keys.
At least my head hits the desk correctly.
The Mad Tongue
It’s been a long time since I had my teeth cleaned.
So long, that the tartar buildup warped the shape of my teeth and gums significantly, but my tongue easily got used to the gradual change in topography
A bit of tartar broke away, and the resulting jagged crag drove my tongue insane. I licked that spot constantly.
When I finally had all the tartar removed, my teeth were clean and tartar-free smooth.
My tongue, unused to the new shape, roamed the interior of my teeth crazily like an idiot in a round room told to stand in the corner.
Bed Bath and Be A Good Worker Bee
I started a new job recently. It is in an office building next to a Bed Bath and Beyond.
Despite the high prices, we get a lot of coupons for them in the mail.
This means I can pick up decorations and stuff for my new desk while getting things for home.
However, I need to be careful that I don’t mix them up.
Although I’m sure some of my coworkers could use some time with a loofah and lavender body wash, and I’m certain the cats would really like to have another desk lamp to knock over and break.