I heard about a scientist who constantly cracked the knuckles on his left hand every day for thirty years to see if there was any more risk of arthritis than on the other hand that he didn’t crack the knuckles on.
Both of his hands felt the same, but his fellow scientists felt like he was going to beat the crap out of them.
“Sure, his research is in arthritis and how cracking his knuckles would affect its progression,” they said. “But does he have to always have a menacing leer on his face as he walks around the lab?”
Tag: work
Fix
Long ago, back before computers, I was a typewriter repairman.
People got all kinds of things stuck in their typewriters.
Once, I remember a guy dropping his old Underwood on the counter and saying “My colon is stuck.”
“You should eat some prunes,” I responded, and I got out my tools.
It took me just 20 minutes to fix it.
The next day, he comes in, and the typewriter is soaking wet.
“I tried the prunes,” he said. “I’m allergic and threw up.”
Into the typewriter. Which he ran through the dishwasher.
That took longer than 20 minutes to fix.
Three Laws
Years ago, when I was working at local TV station, we installed robotic camera pedestals.
Over the course of several months, these cameras rammed into various people, causing them injury.
Then they failed to get out of the way, injuring people walking into them.
They regularly went out of control, and then rammed into people.
And failed to “ped down” passing between studios, hitting door jambs. And then, when someone approached the camera, it would “ped down” and clonk them on the head.
I added a quick set of warning labels: “WARNING: THESE ROBOTIC CAMERAS ARE NOT THREE LAWS COMPLIANT.”
Last Call
Joe’s retirement “party” is at the corner bar.
Years of experience catching serial killers, gone to budget cuts.
It was either retire or get fired.
Everybody’s here. Even the goddamned beancounters.
“There was one I never caught,” says Joe. “The Lifetime Supply Killer.”
I remember that case. Guy would send his victims a box of poisoned chocolate bars, telling them they won a lifetime supply of chocolate.
“Kinda funny, really,” said Joe.
The Director calls for a toast. We raise our glasses.
Joe stops me. “It’s a lifetime supply of champagne,” he whispers.
“To Joe!” everyone says.
And he drinks.
Try This
Every so often, you’ll see a stunt on television where they say “We’re experts, you’re not. So don’t try this at home.” People still do that stuff, and they get hurt.
(Idiots!)
And when you browse websites, you’ll see warnings that a link is “Not safe for work.” People still click it and get fired.
(Dumbasses!)
But there’s a few things out there that absolutely nobody should do, see, or experience.
They’re kept in a vault 3 miles underground, guarded around the clock.
I know this, because I’m one of the guards.
And the fucking elevator’s out of order.
(Sonofabitch!)
The Invention
I started as a chemist, working on cures for diseases and debilitating chronic conditions.
Instead, my research ended up being marketed for food coloring, artificial flavors, and other enhancements for cheap mass-produced foods.
Disgusted, I turned to physics, working on renewable and environmentally-friendly energy generation methods.
To my horror, the technology ended up used to create gaudy and useless toys and gadgets that people would play with for a while, then throw in the trash.
That’s when I gave up, moved to the woods, and bred dogs.
Anyway, that’s my story. So, Mr. Vick, which dogs did you want again?
Help
For the longest time, I used to say that the most powerful key on the keyboard was the F1 key.
F1 is the shortcut to Help for most applications.
Have you used the Help menu recently?
Just search for the topic or ask your question, and Help gives you steps to complete your task.
Or, you can look up tutorials to learn how to use various functions.
With Help, I’ve learned how to do everything I need to do on the computer.
Well, almost everything.
I hit the power key on my laptop, and it shuts down.
(Now that’s powerful.)
Conference Call
Ten people in suits walked into a conference room, pulled laptop computers out of their leather satchels, booted them up, and started their virtual conference software.
On ten screens, digital dopplegangers of each attendee appeared, and they sat down on tree stumps around a virtual campfire.
The crackles and pops of the fire cycled for a minute before anyone spoke.
“Anything for the agenda?” one asked.
No response.
“Nothing at all?” they asked again.
Still no response.
“Good. Meeting adjourned.”
The figures vanished from the screens, the laptops were stowed back into their satchels, and the people left the room.
Diversity
The black-cloaked figure slid the clipboard back across the desk.
“No,” it whispered.
The HR rep pushed the clipboard back to the assassin.
“I’m sorry, but we need you to fill out the form. Regulations require it for diversity and fairness purposes. We can’t be seen to discriminate based on race or gender or sexual preference.”
The clipboard slid back.
“No,” the figure whispered. “You pay me, I kill someone. No questions asked.”
K-THUNK! A knife appeared out of nowhere, pinning the clipboard to the desk.
The HR rep scribbled “ALL OF THE ABOVE” and stamped “HIRED” on the form.
Loop
Congratulations, Sarah. Valedictorian. Well done.
The scholarship was a good investment. Welcome to TimeLoop Industries.
Our First Object Sent was a stapler. This stapler.
It won’t bite.
Guinness doesn’t recognize violent acts, so First Person To Paradoxically Murder Their Grandfather isn’t in there. Still, damn Papa Spencer had it coming!
He won’t hurt us anymore.
We’re going for the big challenge: Becoming Your Own Mother.
And we did.
You. Me.
Us.
That embryo we’ll put in you, that’s you.
Me.
Time travel hurts, but putting you up for adoption, watching from afar… that hurt more.
But it was worth it.