George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He needed to do something about it, so he signed up for seminar.
There he was, standing up and screaming at self-help guru Tony Roberts about how he would be a better pirate.
A better pirate, a better person.
Tony Robbins, ten feet tall, grinning ten feet wide, screaming back at George, wanting more.
George’s swollen face, covered with tears, screaming louder and louder and louder.
“I WILL BE THE BEST PIRATE IN HISTORY!”
George came away from the seminar feeling good about himself.
He also stole Tony’s yacht.
George the Jedi
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d pretend that his cutlass was a lightsaber, and he’d make a lightsaber humming noise when he swung it around.
“Stop that,” said the captain. “It’s annoying. Concentrate on actually hitting someone with it.”
So George did.
“Ouch!” yelled the captain. “I meant hit someone fighting us.”
George dove into the battle, swinging his cutlass around and humming the lightsaber sound.
He didn’t hit anyone, but he did manage to cut a few important ropes and cables.
When the sail covered George, the others left him trapped under it.
Weekly Challenge #877 Host
The next weekly challenge topic is: Scroll
SCRIBBLING WREN LISA
The Last Supper
John was the host with the most, his pavlovas were to die for.
He was a demon in the kitchen and always used fresh local ingredients. A lot of the vegetables he grew himself at his well tended allotment plot. He blended his own spices and there always seemed to be one flavour you just couldn’t put your finger on what it was.
There wasn’t a pudding today, it didn’t matter because after the main course his guests couldn’t move anyway. They weren’t stuffed, he’d drugged them. It was then that he shackled them and began to enjoy his evening.
RICHARD
Hostess with the mostess
She was the perfect host: Attentive, considerate and she always made you feel right at home.
Her parties were always memorable, and you knew you’d made it, if ever you received an invitation.
These parties were occasions not to be missed, and were often frequented by politicians, judges and celebrities, you’d be rubbing shoulders with everybody who was anybody.
She had a cracking pair of tits too! Along with a figure to die for and a wicked technique with the whip and restraints.
She was expensive, of course, but you certainly got your money’s worth.
Best damn dominatrix in town!
TOM
Sugar in Any Form
I have a warm memory from childhood of the Hostess thrift story. A little bit bigger than three bathrooms, but racks of week, to month old: ho ho-s, ding dongs, suzy q’s, sno balls, zingers, and my beloved Twinkies. ALL mime, mine, mine. I was a sugar junky. Would have been dead by now if it hadn’t been for a three years stay in an organic bakery drying me out. Last year my youth caught up with me. Diabetes. A host of sugar adjacent food sources were purged. Am I happy? Let us say being good is its own punishment
LIZZIE
“A plate full of love,” she said, looking at the heart-shaped biscuits and blinking her eyes slowly, like a cat.
He frowned.
She raised her voice to a higher pitch. “You don’t think so?”
Careful, he thought. Never ever contradict a host holding a plate.
“Valentine?” She insisted. “Love and all that?”
He nodded. Pink little hearts…
“Fine, don’t say anything. I’ll toss them in the garbage.”
He nodded.
That’s when that plate flew in his direction.
The gash on his head wasn’t the shape of a heart.
That love wasn’t meant to happen. He just hated pink freaking biscuits.
SERENDIPIDY
You’ve heard of the heavenly host? Let me introduce you to the unheavenly host.
We don’t sit around on clouds all day, dressed in white nightgowns, playing harps. We favour denim and leather, and cruise around on Harleys, blasting out sick riffs on Les Paul sunbursts.
Then there’s the whole being saintly and giving it up to God thing.
Stuff that! For us, it’s mob rule, sex, drugs and rock n roll.
I’ll be honest with you, heaven these days is pretty empty. When the angels see the fun they could have with us, they’re down here like a shot!
NORVAL JOE
The two knights directed Billbert and Sabrina to a rusted Chrysler 300 with all the windows tinted. They were pushed into the back seat. The dark knights squeezed in beside them.
An hour later they pulled up to a decrepit cabin dwarfed by tall pines and redwoods.
Inside the cabin they found an old man wearing a black hood with holes cut out for his eyes and mouth. He smiled a yellow toothed smile. “I will be your host while you stay with us.”
Billbert scoffed. “I have a host of questions. First. Do all of you have yellow teeth?”
PLANET Z
Aside from dropping dead in his own mansion, Mr. Body was actually a pretty good host for the party.
The invitations went out, the mansion was clean and well-decorated, and the caterers provided the best wine, appetizers, and dinner to the guests.
Leaving out so many weapons, well, that may have been taking the decorations a bit too far.
And when it comes to hosting a murder mystery, well, ten out of ten points for that.
In the end, everyone had a great time.
Well, except for the murderer, of course. They were hauled off to jail by the cops.
George in the crow’s nest
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time the captain would bring on a new recruit, he’d put that new recruit in George’s bunk.
George would complain, but the captain told him to stop whining and find another place to sleep.
After moving around the whole ship, George ended up in the crow’s nest.
It was quiet up there, but the ship swayed a lot, and George frequently vomited over the side and on to the pirates standing on deck.
“Serves them right for stealing my bunk,” George muttered, before heaving up his guts again.
George beats the Market
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He also wasn’t a very good investor. He stayed out of the stock market.
But he still watched the stock ticker, and would cheer when the market went up.
“When the market goes up, people make money,” said George. “And that means more stuff to loot.”
It also meant that people could afford better security guards, so George found himself getting arrested a lot.
When the market went down, people sold their stuff on eBay.
Which George would sell right back to them when the market went up again.
George and the Vampires From Mars
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he was tapped to direct the ship’s fall stage production, he got so excited, he knocked over his coffee on to the pile of scripts.
Some pages were ruined, so George did his best and salvaged what he could.
The resulting mess was a chaotic, confusing combination of War of the Worlds and Dracula.
“Vampires from Mars?” asked the captain. “Shouldn’t that be Spiders from Mars?”
“No, you’re thinking of David Bowie and Ziggy Stardust,” said George.
“Let’s do that instead then,” said the captain.
George played… guitar.
George and the Tide pod challenge
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was easily distracted by social media memes.
When the Ice Bucket Challenge made the rounds, George was constantly dumping buckets of ice over his head.
He had no idea why, but that didn’t stop him from doing it.
When the Tide Pod Challenge popped up, George dumped buckets of Tide pods over his head.
“I think you’re supposed to eat them,” said the captain.
“Eat them?” said George. “That makes no sense.”
And then he picked up another bucket of Tide pods and dumped them over his head.
George’s ship
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Pirates usually name their ships something scary and dreadful, like The Black Cloud of Death or The Revenge.
But by the time George got his ship, all of the really cool ship names were taken.
“We can’t have two ships with the same name,” said the registrar.
“What about Reaver9012?” asked George. “You know, like an AOL account.”
“That’s far too confusing.”
“Maybe The Jolly Roger?”
“That’s the flag!”
George muttered something under his breath, and, after signing all the paperwork, he returned to the newly-christened “I Give Up!”
George’s mother
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Other pirates practiced sailing and swashbuckling and other pirate skills.
George always begged out of practice and training sessions, and he got a poor reputation for it.
The truth is, George was busy taking care of his elderly mother.
He had to rush home to feed and wash her, and he would read to her until she’d go to sleep.
And then, one day, he attended a sparring session.
“Gracing us with your presence, George?” asked the trainer.
George, through his tears, ran the trainer through with his sword.
Norval Joe – Superhero
The two dark knights pushed Billbert and Sabrina into the parking lot.”
Sabrina leaned to him. “You say you’re a superhero. Why don’t you save us?”
“You’re right,” Billbert said. “Take my hand.”
As soon as her fingers touched his, Billbert leapt into the air and whisked Sabrina away to safety.
Only, they didn’t go anywhere.
The boy sneered, showing his dark yellow teeth. “We’re from the guild of the Dark Knights. You can’t use magic when we’re around.”
Billbert grumbled. “It’s not magic. It’s a super power.”
The girl scoffed. “Call it what you want. Now. Come with us.”