Most pirates spend their downtime at their favorite watering-hole, dockside brothel, or the local jail awaiting trial.
On the other hand (assuming you have another hand, and not a hook), Walter the Pirate had always dreamed of winning an Olympic gold medal.
He was a pretty good windsurfer, and none of his shipmates could beat him at Ping Pong, but he was best at freestyle swimming.
But what national team would sponsor him?
France?
England?
They had bounties on his head.
Eventually, Somalia sponsored him. (Somalia loves pirates), but he was disqualified for having a dagger clenched between his teeth.
Tag: silly
George The Pirate ‘s Diction
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never learned proper pirate-speak.
So, he scrawled a cheat sheet on his arm, but the ink washed off every time he fell into the water.
George fell into the water a lot.
He wanted to get the cheat sheet tattooed on his arm, but no self-respecting tattoo artist would agree to do it.
“We do mermaids and anchors,” said the Tattoo Artist’s Guildmaster. “If you’re too stupid to remember the words, just say YARRRRRR! a lot, okay?”
George smiled and said AVAST!
“Landlubber,” grumbled the captain.
George The Pirate Disfigurement
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates had some sort of disfigurement, such as a pegleg, a hook hand, or an eyepatch.
George tried to wear a pegleg, but it’s much easier when you have an empty pant leg.
The same goes for hooks and empty shirtsleeves.
George flopped and stumbled around on the deck like a fish out of water, his peg and hook waving in the air helplessly, and the entire crew laughed.
The captain couldn’t bear to watch the spectacle, so he put on a second eyepatch and sighed.
George The Pirate Ransom
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
A family had refused to pay the ransom for a prisoner taken in a recent raid, so the captain shouted “Keel-haul the landlubber!”
Keel-hauling involves tying a rope to someone and dragging them under the boat, scraping them along razor-sharp barnacles that have grown on the hull.
George, who was in charge of the keel-hauling crew, ended up tangling the entire boat in ropes, and the prisoner escaped.
After the ropes were untangled, the captain hung George upside-down from the mast for a week.
George The Pirate Is Good With Numbers
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was good with numbers though. He came from a long line of accountants and jewelers.
So, the captain sent George below decks and had him go through the plunder, appraising the booty and matching up pieces of eight.
George happily sorted through the rubies, diamonds, and emeralds, and he cataloged them in his book.
However, the doubloons were another matter.
“I’m not very good with jigsaw puzzles either, Captain,” he said, holding up the resulting mess.
It looked like a bust of the captain.
For once, he smiled.
George The Pirate Seasick
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates got their sea-legs in a few days, but George had never gotten used to the rocking and swaying of the boat, and the best place to find him was leaning over the rail, vomiting.
Even when the ship was docked. (He hadn’t gotten used to the swill served by the galley, either.)
So, he volunteered for land raids, and constantly asked the captain about a desk job.
“You know, with headquarters,” said George.
The captain smirked, and chained George into the crow’s nest for a week.
George The Pirate Parries
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Despite years of practice with his cutlass, he’d yet to kill anyone with it.
“I’m good at parrying,” he protested. “I could parry all day and not get a scratch. Then, while I’m parrying, someone else gets the kill. Perhaps if you changed your metrics to measure teamwork instead of individual achievements, it would better reflect my contributions to the raiding parties.”
The captain scratched his beard, thought for a moment, and then handed George a mop.
“The deck needs swabbing,” he chortled.
George wasn’t good at chortling, either.
Custody
Usually, a couple going through a divorce will fight bitterly over custody of the kids, and Fred and Mary were no different.
“I don’t want them!” yelled Mary. “You take them!”
“Hell no!” shouted Fred back. “I said abort them both times, but you insisted on keeping them!”
They kept this up for days. The lawyers tried to help, but the unhappy couple just got louder.
Then, the fighting abruptly stopped. Fred and Mary nodded at each other, and both walked out of the conference room.
And never returned.
The lawyers ended up raising the kids.
God help us all.
Mellow
I know a guy who is so mellow, he set his ringer sound on his alarm clock to the tune of a lullabye.
Instead of waking up, he’s further mellowed out by the lullabye, and he gets even more restful sleep.
The ringtone on his phone is the sound of a gentle breeze through the leaves.
If the call is urgent, then a recording of a gently strumming harp reminds him that there’s nothing truly important enough in this life that merits going out in a rush or a panic.
Of course, we fired his lazy hippie ass this morning.
Pudding of the Gods
Prometheus was always stealing things from the Gods to bring down to Man.
“What’s this?” asked Man, staring at a bowl full of strange glop.
“Pudding,” said Prometheus. “It’s delicious. You eat it with a spoon.”
“What’s a spoon?” asked Man.
Prometheus took a spoon out of his pocket.
“That doesn’t look too clean,” said Man.
So, Prometheus wiped it on his toga.
His sweaty, grimy toga.
“You’re kidding, right?” asked Man.
“Oh, just use your fingers,” said Prometheus.
Man did. “Ew. Butterscotch.”
Prometheus growled. “Wait here.”
And he ran up Olympus to get some fire to incinerate Man with.