A friend of mine has been having hip problems for years.
Still, she has to pick up after her husband and grandkids, because they never clean up after themselves.
She’s finally gotten surgery for her hips, and they hurt like hell, but they will feel a lot better with painkillers, rest, and physical therapy.
Her family got her one of those grabber arms that she can use to pick things up from her temporary walker and wheelchair.
Instead, she uses it to point at things for them to pick up.
And if they don’t, she whacks them with the grabber.
OCD trash
I put vibration sensors on my trashcan and recycling bin so I know when they have been collected. That way I can go out and wheel them back up the driveway. I set the sensors only to go off on the mornings that they’re supposed to be collected. However, if I have a late bag of trash or collection of cans to recycle, dumping them in the bin that morning will set off the sensor. The only person that bothers is me, so I should probably just disable the sensors and relax a bit. Life isn’t graded on a curve.
Get up and walk
When I go for my walk in the morning, I can choose between turning left and turning right at the main road Left allows me to take the short path through the trees and I’m done in 15 minutes. Or I can just keep going and head out to the Main route for another 5 to 10 minutes walk. If I turn right, I can walk the path through the abandoned golf course that was turned into a park. But that takes me about 30 or 40 minutes. In the end, it’s just important that I get up and walk and get my ass moving.
Grade inflation
Now that colleges can’t use standardized tests because they’re racist or sexist or something, they have to figure out if a student GPA of 4.7 is legitimate or just inflated bullshit from the football factory high school. This is why colleges write no refunds on the admissions form. And to add to the turnover, they gave up an offering remedial math, remedial English, and pretty much remedial everything else. The few people who managed to graduate did so with useless degrees in psychology, sociology, gender studies, race studies, and other worthless pieces of paper in the job marketplace. Society collapsed.
Weekly challenge #1049 – PICK TWO Buffering, Update, An old postcard, offensive, Roll
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
Dear You,
Here’s an unrequested update that will cause a sudden flare-up of indigestion, I know.
He took everything. The jewels, the money, even the hand-painted dishes no one liked.
He did leave a rather offensive note behind that I’ll refrain from copying here.
Now, how do you want to roll? Shall we hunt him down or simply ignore him?
Crazy question, I know. I can hear your swearing from the future. I know your answer.
I’ve gathered a team. I know where he hangs out.
Meet you at the usual place. Tomorrow, midnight.
Bring the meat grinder.
Yours truly.
RICHARD
Wish you were here
I was clearing out the loft. The usual rubbish collected over the years, most of it useless; some bound for charity shops, one or two items worth salvaging and the rest destined for the tip.
Amongst some old newspapers, I rediscovered the relics of a childhood family holiday, including an old postcard.
It was the typical British seaside affair, a cartoon of a busty babe in a bikini, buying an ice-cream.
“I’d like a large one, please. I do like a good long licking!”
Harmless fun, back in the day.
But, I’ve no doubt, hugely offensive to modern sensibilities.
TOM
From the Lost Room
For many years I have been on a great scavenger’s hunt. It was connected to the tv show “The Lost Room”. One of the items of the collection was a painting of an old oak tree. In the fore-ground of the painting was on odd shape stone. After much searching, I learned the oak in question had been on the U of C campus in Berkley. Figured the paint might have some source image. So, I found an old postcard from 1915 which pretty much matched the painting. Written on the card was an update about a trip to Oakland.
SERENDIPIDY
I was struggling with the latest Windows update.
For an hour I’d watched the spinning wheel on the screen: buffering constantly, without a care in the world.
I was in a hurry. I had work to do, I was up against a deadline… But the technology didn’t care and it was taking its own good time to mess me about.
With each circle of the wheel I could feel my stress levels growing.
This was exactly what the shrink had warned me about.
I glanced at the semi-automatic at my side.
Anger, or the update; which would it be?
NORVAL JOE
Old Doris Grindlebomb was 92 when her family took her keys away. No, they weren’t the keys to her Cadillac convertible. There was no way in hell they were gonna take those away from her no matter how blind she was. Or, blind drunk. It was the keys to piano that they took away. For 70 years, she had been the music teacher at the local elementary school, and they would’ve retired her long ago if anyone else had wanted the job. She switched to the saxophone. She was so bad at it, they gave her the piano keys back.
PLANET Z
Old Doris Grindlebomb was 92 when her family took her keys away. No, they weren’t the keys to her Cadillac convertible. There was no way in hell they were gonna take those away from her no matter how blind she was. Or, blind drunk. It was the keys to piano that they took away. For 70 years, she had been the music teacher at the local elementary school, and they would’ve retired her long ago if anyone else had wanted the job. She switched to the saxophone. She was so bad at it, they gave her the piano keys back.
George and the cure
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate. The rare times his captain gave him a mission, he’d fail it miserably. But when the entire crew came down with a plague and George was the only man spared, the captain begrudgingly sent George out to obtain a rare flower to brew a tea to cure the malady. George set out that day in the longboat, landing on a tropical island. He found a clearing with many flowers, and he brought them back to the ship… too late. He made wreaths of the flowers and held many funerals.
One light town
The mayor never liked it when people called Centerville, a one traffic light town. So he had the traffic light removed and replaced with a four-way stop. And the accident rate didn’t change that much, considering that there were never any accidents in the town. You thought about putting in a traffic circle. Things that he read on the Internet said that traffic circles were safer, but it was a small intersection already and didn’t need all the ruckus to build up the traffic circle. Although putting some flowers or a flag pole in the round would’ve looked nice.
Leg
When Lucy lost her first tooth, she kind of freaked out. She thought she was gonna completely fall apart. I told her now it’s just teeth, although every now and then a fingernail might come loose and hair and eyelashes will fall out. The tooth fairy gave her a dollar that night. However, when my friend Bill came over, who had lost a leg to cancer, Lucy completely freaked out. By the time Bill and I calmed her down, she asked how much money the leg fairy gave Bill. Bill laughed, and said nothing. But it cost him a lot.
Saint wally
Sometimes I like to look down the list of saints to see who is the patron saint of something that was invented centuries after the saint had died. I mean, Saint Wally was hung upside down and burned at the stake in the 13th century, yet he’s the patron saint of magnetic residence imaging. I’m not sure why, you’d have to ask a Catholic MRI technician or something. I mean, back, then they had farming and sculpting and simple stuff, but unless someone was made a saint just recently, I don’t think a patron saint to the Internet is valid.
Grenade oops
Private Joseph Mongo would’ve earned himself a Medal of Honor for falling on a grenade to keep it from killing his platoon mates, but the problem was the way he landed on it. It not only exploded out fragments, but also propelled his 17 silver fillings from his teeth throughout the company. So by throwing himself on the grenade caused even more carnage than if he had run for cover like everybody else was trying to. The fact that he was the idiot who pulled the pin and fumbled the grenade only adds to the consternation of the command structure.