To the man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
To the man with a screwdriver, everything looks like a screw.
And to a man with spiders glued to his face, everything looks like spiders.
Why someone would glue spiders to his face, I’m not sure.
The man with a hammer offers to smash the spiders with his hammer.
And the man with the screwdriver offers to stab the spiders with his screwdriver.
Neither solution sounds good to the man with spiders glued to his face.
Of course, nobody thought to ask the spiders what they thought or wanted.
Tag: silly
Penny Saved
Benjamin Franklin said that a penny saved is a penny earned, but these days a penny is close to worthless.
However, if you save a lot of pennies, you could roll them up and exchange them for a few bucks.
The most I ever saved up at once was thirty bucks, and that had been kinda heavy.
Instead of wasting all that effort, I now stick a pound of pennies in a sock, and then whallop people on the head with them.
The most I’ve gotten that way was two hundred bucks from a guy coming out of the bank.
The Zoo
I love the way the word zoo makes my mouth hum.
Zooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I like to play my kazoo at the zoo.
But the zookeeper doesn’t like the noise.
“If you don’t want people playing kazoos at the zoo, why sell them in the gift shop?” I shout.
“Just because we sell them, we don’t encourage their use here,” he shouted back. “You can buy condoms at the drug store, but you don’t use them there, right?”
Of course not.
His wife is the pharmacist. We’re having an affair. And she’s on the pill.
(Or. at least she says she is.)
Drinks
Some folks call it pop.
Other folks call it soda.
And there’s people in the South who call it coke, even if it’s Pepsi or some other brand.
Around here, we call it The Forbidden Elixir, although even saying that will get you hauled before Mayor’s Council for questioning.
Yes. Forbidden.
It wasn’t enough to warn people of the risks of tooth decay and obesity. Not that we miss it much, what, with the fountains of vodka and bourbon at every street corner.
Still, it would be nice to have mixers. Besides orange juice, limes and bitters.
Oh well. Cheers.
Ducks In A Row
My boss keeps telling me to get all my ducks in a row.
Have you ever tried to get ducks in a row?
It’s hard. Really hard.
Ducks like to wander around, foraging for things to eat.
They only get in a row if they’re running away from something.
So, I unplugged my keyboard and phone and banged them together to scare the ducks.
Sure enough, they ran down the hall in a row.
Along with everybody else’s ducks.
Pretty soon, the halls filled up with scared ducks running around.
My boss smiled, and then went back to herding cats.
Kill Bill
I know a couple who was so into Quentin Tarantino movies that they rented a small Texas church for their wedding and hired the actor who played the preacher in Kill Bill to officiate.
They tried to get Samuel L. Jackson to play organ, but he couldn’t actually play, and he didn’t want to work for scale.
The wedding was interrupted by armed actors playing assassins, and the church was awash in death.
Real blood. Real gore.
Someone got the blanks mixed up with real bullets.
The survivors tried to sue Quentin Tarantino, but the judge threw out the case.
Pray For Them
Sometimes, people ask for me to pray for them.
I don’t pray.
If the invisible man in the sky needs for me to put my hands together to tell him what shit in the world needs fixing, fuck him.
He’s an idiot for not knowing, a pathetic sack of shit for not being able to do anything about it, or an asshole for not wanting to do anything about it.
And I’m certainly not going to thank him for all the blessings, either. Because whatever he doesn’t take away through death or entropy, the government takes away through taxes.
Amen.
Ted’s Toilet
My Uncle Ted invented a time-traveling toilet.
Shit makes it go forward in time, and piss makes it go back.
“Just sit down, do your business, and flush,” said Uncle Ted. “The plumbing takes care of the rest.”
“What if you do both?” I asked.
Uncle Ted smirked. “I’m not sure. Either the toilet will work out the math, or you’ll be ripped apart by a paradox wave.”
The next weekend, my girlfriend got sick on Jager-bombs and threw up in the toilet.
I haven’t seen her since.
Which really sucks, because it was her month to pay the rent.
Rainstorm Roulette
I pull out my phone, check the weather map, and hit the Play button.
A band of green, orange, and yellow sneaks in from a corner of the screen, moving rapidly towards the center.
Checking the time, I do make a rough guess as to when the rainstorm will pass through.
Twenty or thirty minutes.
It will take me thirty minutes to get home from here.
Perfect.
I pay for my coffee, grab my backpack, and head for the sidewalk.
Will I make it home before the rain hits?
I don’t know.
But then, that’s what makes Rainstorm Roulette fun.
ACHOO
ACHOO!
Thanks for thehandkerchief, man.
ACHOO!
Yeah, I’ve got allergies. Really bad allergies.
ACHOO!
No, it’s not seasonal. It’s year-round.
ACHOO!
Usually, I have Kleenex handy, but I totally forgot it.
ACHOO!
I must have left my packet in my other coat.
ACHOO!
What am I allergic to?
ACHOO!
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
ACHOO!
Okay, you asked.
ACHOO!
I’m allergic to bullshit.
ACHOO!
Seriously, I’m allergic to bullshit.
ACHOO!
Worst thing about it is that it’s EVERYWHERE!
ACHOO!
Can’t get away from it.
ACHOO!
Oh, you don’t mind if I keep this handkerchief?
ACHOO!
Uh-huh. Right.