Weekly Challenge #782 – Advanced

Baby Panther

RICHARD

/r/windup

I joined the group for a laugh.

It was a dull Sunday afternoon, with nothing on TV, and I was bored; which is how I came to be trawling around communities on Reddit, just for the chance to wind up strangers on the internet.

The Advanced Subatomic Particle Physics subreddit caught my attention, and I thought it would be fun to inject a bit of humour into the proceedings.

Which is how my facetious comment about the interconnectedness of chocolate chip cookies and black holes, led to the discovery of a brand new subatomic particle.

Which, they named after me!

LIZZIE

A cool course on something maritime, he couldn’t remember what. Something he had seen online, but he hadn’t paid much attention. And now he was in this predicament, surrounded by ice and no one in sight. The tiny boat was destroyed and that thing, whatever it was called, frantically blinking some sort of danger signal, was tossed aside.
“And now, Mr. Smart Ass who never reads anything ’til the end? And now? Well, now you’re gone.”
People searched for him. They did try…
Surprisingly, the advanced “cool course” had twice as many attendees. People like getting in trouble, don’t they?

SERENDIPIDY

The scientists tell us that The Doomsday Clock is ticking and we’re just one hundred seconds from midnight.

One hundred seconds aware from catastrophe, mass extinction and the end of the world.

And for me, I couldn’t be happier to see an end to it all.

When you’re immortal, time is an inconvenience; a never-ending, constant stream of boredom, irritation and near insanity.

Midnight can’t come soon enough for me.

So yesterday, I left my engine running, turned the aircon up to full, and spent all day dumping plastic waste into the ocean.

And the clock advanced one second closer.

TOM

True Evil

The guard pointed at the sack of salt. The old man pulled it up on to his
shoulders. He moved steadily and evenly, which somehow made the guard
smile. I watched for about an hour, wondering how long the old man could
continue making the trip back and forth along the barber wire fence. Then
suddenly he drop face down, there were no demanding action on the part of
collection of guards. Just a moment of a hand a group of men materialize
out of the shadows. Then he pointed at me and I advanced. Work will set
you free I thought.

DUANE

As spaceflight quickly advances, humans are soon returning to the moon. Mars would be next and I am encouraged that it could happen in my lifetime. A trip to Mars takes about seven months one way. For such a long flight the first crew should be Buddhist monks.

Buddhist monks are disciplined. They are accustomed to isolation. They already live a minimalist lifestyle. They could spend their downtime in contemplation of the Universe, while staring out at the Universe. Just think of the possibilities with meditation in zero gravity.

Landing on Mars, they would be in the ultimate zen garden.

NORVAL JOE

Though Mr. Blanketmaker had advanced toward Linoliamanda’s father with his hand extended in a friendly greeting and a smile on his face, Mr. Withybottom turned his back on him, headed toward his house, and shouted over his shoulder, “Come on, Linny. Get in the house.”

It didn’t take an advanced degree in psychology for anyone to see that the girl’s father had emotional control issues. Still Billbert wanted everyone to be happy and get along. While Linoliamanda searched for her cat again, Billbert ran across the street. “Mr. Withybottom. What would it take for Linoliamanda and me to remain friends?”

JARED

And my story for this week on the topic of Advanced is entitled Advancing the Runner
€€€€€
In baseball, a batter can get on base in many ways. Let’s ignore the pitching stuff: wild pitches, balks, walks, ‘bean balls’, etc. Just hit the ball in play and beat the throw. That’s a base hit. Unless the defense mishandled the ball. Then it’s an Error. Or if they threw to another base for a force out then threw to First. If you still beat the throw, that’s scored as ‘reached on a Fielder’s Choice’. If the defensive player obstructs your path, ‘Player Interference’. These all count zero on batting average. Like a Walk, but a lot more work.

PLANET Z

When Arthur asked his oncologist how far the cancer had progressed, he said “I wouldn’t be buying any green bananas.”
Which really didn’t make much sense to Arthur, since he didn’t like bananas, so he didn’t buy them.
Arthur thanked the doctor, went to the grocery store, and bought some green bananas.
“I don’t understand what all the fuss is about,” said Arthur. “They’re green. What’s the harm?”
He tossed the bananas aside and went about his day, totally forgetting about them.
Until, later, he walked back into the kitchen, stepped on one, and slipped on it, cracking his skull.

Jared – River Song

My story for last week is entitled Never Cross River Song
€€€€€
He stopped running. He was so tired of running. He had lost track of how long he’d been running long ago. But he couldn’t stop now. Running was the only thing keeping him out of the hands of his would-be killer. And she had a personal temporal displacement system. So, he had to run, but also jump – system to system, timestream to timestream.

He almost escaped for good. He did a multi-step jump through a planet moments before its destruction. But he triggered a traceable signature on the other side, allowing her to avoid his trap and regain his trail.

Caress the data

Ted was an honest statistician.
He collected data all day and ran it all through models for analysis.
But his partner Billy wasn’t honest.
Billy liked to massage the data.
He went full-on dirty and crude with the models. And only the hottest models.
Caressed the data in ways that would make any honest statistician blush.
Ted would hear strange sounds coming from Billy’s office.
He’d smell musty, strange smells.
And Billy would bring in packages wrapped in brown paper, never telling Ted what was in them.
Should they split?
Ted tossed a coin, and it landed on its edge.

The network’s survival

Do you remember the show with the flying saucer?
They went on for three seasons, and their audience grew with every episode.
The merchandising, too.
Toy robots. Lunch boxes. Fizzy candy snacks.
And, of course, a flying saucer frisbee.
Pretty soon, everyone was watching the show.
Nobody watched any another shows.
Because all they wanted to do is watch that show.
So, at the height of popularity, the network cancelled the show.
Because they were losing money on every other show.
In the end, they made a series of popular movies.
And, of course, all other movies suffered for it.

Albert the Plant

To avoid paying taxes, Albert claimed that he was a houseplant.
“Plants don’t pay taxes,” said Albert.
He hired a good lawyer, and he fought the government in court.
The judge decided in Albert’s favor.
“Congratulations,” said Albert’s lawyer. “You’re a plant. So, about my bill…”
Albert smiled and walked out of the courtroom.
Because plants didn’t have to pay bills.
“They also don’t pay rent,” Albert told his landlord.
The landlord evicted Albert and tossed his stuff on the street.
“Plants don’t own stuff,” said Albert’s neighbors, grabbing what they could.
Albert sat down on the curb and wept.

David Prowse

When David Prowse died, his spirit floated up to Heaven.
He waited at the curb until it was safe to cross.
“We’re all huge fans of yours,” said Saint Peter. “In fact, we have a screening of the Star Wars movies tonight.”
They all watched, and everyone cheered and recited the lines along with the beloved movies.
And at the end of the third movie, when Vader’s mask was removed, it was David’s face, not Sebastian Shaw’s.
David cried with joy. “This truly is Heaven.” So, what about the prequels?
“What prequels?” said Saint Peter.
Yes, it truly was Heaven.

When the angels

When the angels sing, Heaven shines.
When the angels scream, Hell gets hotter.
When the angels cry, it rains on Earth.
When the angels laugh, the winds pick up the leaves and make them dance in the air.
When the angels tremble, the earth shakes.
When the angels fart…
What happens when angels fart?
That’s what this experiment is all about.
We fed an angel garlic, onions, broccoli, and refried beans.
Then, we waited for the angel to fart.
But it hasn’t farted yet.
More beans? Garlic?
Or maybe we need another angel.
The angel laughs, and the leaves dance.

The cold the heat

It’s really hot out today.
You know how they say you can do something about cold, but you can’t do anything about heat?
In the cold, you can put on more clothes. Or burn things.
In the heat, you can only take so much off.
Turn on the fans. Turn on the air conditioning.
Until… the power goes out.
Everybody else must have had the same idea.
That’s when you take a moment to think… and burn things.
Maybe if you burn enough houses down, there will be enough electricity to go around to power the fans and air conditioning.

Weekly Challenge #781 – River Crossing

Caaaaaaaaaaat

LIZZIE

“River Crossing…” said the sign.
River? There was nothing there, not a single drop of water in sight.
He looked left. He looked right. If he was to cross anything, he’d follow the rules.
Then he took a step forward and looked left and right again. He had always been very cautious.
He looked at his watch and took another step forward.
That’s exactly when, out of nowhere, a huge pack of wolves knocked him down.
The locals nicknamed the pack leader River and crossing River where he usually crossed was not a healthy thing to do, cautiously or not!

RICHARD

River Crossing

Welcome to River Crossing, possibly the most inappropriately named town in the County.

There’s no river here. Nearest one is two hundred miles south; so, no need for a bridge across it neither, nor any sort of river crossing, for that matter.

In fact, bridges is the one thing we’ve got in short supply around here. No river bridges, road bridges, footbridges or railway bridges, on account of there being no rivers, roads or trains.

So, no railway crossings either.

Beats me why they gave it the name in the first place.

But, I guess you gotta call it something.

SERENDIPIDY

If it’s a river crossing you’re considering, then a wise man will take my advice and avoid the old stone bridge.

For beneath its arches lurk the trolls, who will beat you senseless, steal your coins, then eat you for supper.

For a small fee, I will ferry you across safely to the far bank, out of harm’s way and protected from the evil clutches of the trolls.

Of course, when we land, I’ll beat you senseless, steal your coins and leave you for dead.

But at least, unlike the trolls, I’ve no intention of eating you for my supper!

TOM

Big Muddy

Sam raised his hand to shade his eyes from the setting sun. The river was
high after the late storm rolled in from the Rockies. A few lights had
started to glow on the far bank. One single light grew larger as it moved
to where he stood. Blue brown water merged with the blue brown hull of the
river crossing ferry. It was a size fitting the population it served, and
made returning home for the night possible. Without the tiny boat it was a
four-hour trip to next largest town on the river.

DUANE

The man looked cool in his khaki shirt with epaulets and unbuttoned to show his hairy chest. Even standing up to his waist in the jungle river, he had an air of comfort and confidence. With a rope over his shoulder, he pulled a simple bamboo raft with his supplies stacked upon it. He wasn’t even sweating. His loosely permed hair and big brown mustache were perfect. And he was enjoying a Camel cigarette.

The younger me stared up at the billboard in awe. The message was clear what I needed to do next to become that man of adventure.

NORVAL JOE

“Daddy,” Linoliamanda called back to her father. “I’ve told you before. There’s nothing wrong with Billbert or his family. He’s my friend.”
“Don’t make me come and get you,” her father said, hurrying down to the sidewalk, but stopping at the street and eyeing it like a hazerdous river crossing.
Billbert’s father crossed the street, his hand extended and a big smile on his face. “Hello Mr. Withybottom. I’m Hosmer Blanketmaker. My son speaks very highly of your daughter.”
Mr. Withybottom looked at Hosmer’s hand as if he was offering him a dead fish. He folded his arms and frowned.

TURA

River crossing
———
The Great Crossing is best witnessed from the watch tower by the grand market. Look to the river, before dawn. Soon the barges from distant Harem will appear, a fleet that blots out the river, their gaudy pennants outlined by the rising sun.

Then all is a jostling to unload and furnish the market stalls. Not a single pottery jug is broken, nor a single bolt of silk dropped, by the time the Market Bell sounds the opening.

Towards evening it sounds again, and the stallholders close up and row back to Harem, the barges glowing in the setting sun.

PLANET Z

There’s an old puzzle where a monkey, a pig, and a person need to cross a river.
But if you leave one of them alone with another, something bad happens.
Like the pig eats the monkey or the monkey rips the face off of the person.
So you have to think through who crosses the river in a boat and who is left together on the shore.
Me, I just sent the person and the pig across in the boat and leave that damn monkey behind.
Because that monkey will rip the person’s face off at some point anyway, right?

The greatest of all

Muhammad Ali said he was the greatest.
But he never said what he was the greatest at.
Some say he was the greatest painter of our generation.
His work could be seen in art galleries across the world.
And yet, there are no paintings by Muhammad Ali in any gallery.
“Look at the walls,” he’d whisper. “Such an even coat of paint! So perfect!”
Not a single drip on the floor, not a single splash on the ceiling.
A natural, seamless backdrop for all the art on display.
Just a smooth, even coat of paint on the walls for all.