Remember “Peace on Earth, Good Will To All Men?”
Well, there’s a new phrase making the rounds this holiday season: “Do More With Less.”
Everybody’s suffering. Even Santa’s workshop.
He laid off a bunch of elves. Elf unemployment’s awful The cookie and shoe manufacturing industries have been automating production and moving factories to China.
He doesn’t need the reindeer either. Now he just delivers stuff through Fedex or UPS, whatever’s cheapest.
Pretty soon, he’ll just do it all through Amazon or iTunes.
Mrs. Claus wants to retire to Florida.
Real estate’s cheap there.
And not a fucking frozen wasteland, either.
Tag: dirty
The Swear Jar
I swear too much.
I’ve tried everything, but my analyst came up with a great idea: a Swear Jar.
Every time I swear, I put a buck in the jar.
I picked out a really nice jar for it, too.
It’s an antique. Those guys on that television show said it was worth hundreds of dollars.
It was worth fifty more by the end of the week, but the next week, I only added twenty.
Then ten. Then five. Then…
I was cured!
That’s when I dropped the jar, spilling money and pottery shards everywhere.
Okay, fine… so I relapsed.
Attachments
The IT Department warned us about email attachments, but have you seen what those guys have on their screens all day?
Junk. Porn. Utter garbage.
So, instead of forwarding all these jokes to everyone, we send them to everyone but those geeks.
I get the funniest jokes from people, but every now and then my anti-virus program lets me know something might hurt my computer.
I usually click the OK button, but this time I hit Cancel.
That’s when my printer started up and started printing pancakes.
I called IT and asked for help.
They brought maple syrup and butter.
Burned
I went out to the cemetery, found a place to sit, and read a book about zombies under the moonlight.
After a few minutes, zombies appeared through the trees, shambling across the grass and headstones.
I got out my lighter, and set the book ablaze.
The zombies burst into harmless puffs of flame and ash before vanishing.
Neat trick, right?
You ain’t seen nothing yet.
That’s when opened the magazine I found under dad’s side of the bed.
And… then… a zombie centerfold showed up, moaning “BRAAAAAAAAAINS!”
Sure, that’s in her LIKES list, but I think I’m going to run.
The Book Of Life
All across the world, Apple and Google fanboys are clutching their chests and keeling over dead in the streets.
Why? Every year, The Lord writes our names in The Book Of Life.
He adds those who are born and scratches out those who died.
But this year, he’s catching the e-publishing bug and giving up on the ink and paper.
He’s worked up a file and sent it to Amazon for publishing on the Kindle.
He thought about making an app for Android and iPhone, but those smartphone owners are a bunch of annoying cocksuckers, so he’s left them out.
Mushroom King
829203
We all marvel at the magnificent crown of The Mushroom King.
But how did he get his mighty crown?
Well, as all Mushroom Kings do: he rolled his head in a bucket of shit, cultivated and grew mushrooms on it, and kept them growing… and growing… and growing…
Until he had the greatest crown of all.
That’s when we named him the new Mushroom King.
As for his throne, that’s from the previous Mushroom King.
His crown grew far too large, and he sank into the shit, gone forever.
Except for his crown, for the new king to sit on.
Your Shadow
860121
Sometimes
The world stinks
So much
That your shadow
Your goddamned shadow
Has to take
A long bath
To wash
It off
No matter
How much
It scrubs
And scrubs
The world’s stink
Sticks harder
And never
Washes off
Completely
Everything stinks
Around you
Cover it up
All you want
With soaps
And perfumes
It’s still there
And it never
Goes away
If your shadow
Can’t come clean,
What hope
Do you have?
None.
Pull the plug
The water
Drains out
You tried
But
That stink
Gets worse
So bad you gag
Close your eyes
And wish
It all
Away
They should do something
789498
The bumpersticker on the first SUV said “DRILL BABY DRILL.”
The other SUV had dozens of stickers representing environmental groups which disagreed with that sentiment.
Same make.
Same model.
Same lousy gas mileage.
Both were parked next to each other at the grocery store.
They’d both run inside “for just a minute” and left the engines running.
And the doors unlocked.
So, I reached in and turned the keys, shutting off the engines.
Then I threw the keys down a sewer grate.
Maybe it won’t make a bit of difference in the end.
But, unlike these two assholes, I tried.
Fighting City Hall
653447
Remember the old saying that you can’t fight City Hall?
Well, those people were wrong.
City Hall cut me off while I was driving to work, so I chased it down and yelled at it when we got to the parking garage.
Harsh words were exchanged, and the next thing I knew City Hall had punched me in the gut.
So, I swung back and we fought for a bit, and I won.
By the time the cops arrived, we sorted out our differences and I drove off.
The next day, someone had keyed my car door.
Motherfucking City Hall!
Drawers
749774
Sandy took off her shoes and sat down.
Then she slid off her jeans, took off her top, and tossed aside her bra.
Stepping out of her panties, she opened her drawer and dropped her breasts on a towel.
Then she reached between her legs and peeled quickly.
(It stung less that way.)
Shutting the drawer, she opened another, and put himself back together.
Looking in the mirror, he wiped the makeup from his face.
He checked the clock: a little early.
He smiled, and opened the first drawer.
A gentle, soft caress – and then he got dressed for work.