We tried out a new piano bar Downtown on a friend’s recommendation.
I had the grand piano.
She had an upright piano.
They were good, but not great.
“Oh, those are the house pianos,” said the bartender, handing up menus. “I highly recommend the Steinways.”
So, we each had a Steinway Grand D9, and man, they were amazing.
The resonance and the pitch were impressive.
But at the end of the night, oh man, the check was a fortune.
I had to sell my tux, and she had to pawn her jewelry.
Next time we’ll stick with the house pianos.
Inventing cancer
Dan invented cancer.
He was trying to invent something else, like an eggbeater, and instead, he invented cancer.
He didn’t mean to.
But sitting there on his workbench, there it was.
“What the hell do I do with this?” he asked Norma, his wife.
“You should probably tell someone,” she said.
“The government?”
“Sure.”
So, they called the government.
Fifteen minutes later, men in hazmat suits barged into their house and took the cancer away.
Dan went back to his workbench, and looked over his blueprints.
“Oh, I know what I did wrong…”
Norma made the best scrambled eggs ever.
Gorilla glue
What is Gorilla Glue?
Is it glue used by gorillas?
Used to glue gorillas together?
Or is it made from gorillas?
I sent it to a lab, and they said it didn’t contain anything related to gorillas.
Then, I gave a bottle of it to a gorilla and watched.
It opened the bottle and wiped it all over its cage.
As the glue dried, things started to stick to the gorilla, and the gorilla got mad.
We introduced another gorilla to the first gorilla’s cage, and they fought for a bit.
But they never ended up stuck to each other.
Weekly Challenge #776 – PICK TWO Ruins, Cone, A toast!, Rebel, Dive, Name change, Glow
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Jared
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
“A toast! My kingdom for a toast!” The crowd at the café chuckled. They all knew him. They all loved his silly jokes. The room was always dark. That gave them a sense of protection and the silly, often crude, jokes made them feel like they belonged. One day he didn’t show up. They looked for him everywhere. Weeks went by. Then they received a letter at the café. “I’m fine. I got a job digging up some ruins. The archaeologists are OK. But they lack one thing. They don’t have toast!” The crowd at the café chuckled once again.
RICHARD
Rebel for a Lost Cause
I’ve always been a rebel, albeit not a very successful one.
The trouble is, I really don’t like to make a fuss; so whilst other rebels are toppling governments, standing up against perceived injustices and sticking it to the man, my own rage against the machine may seem somewhat insignificant.
Still, rebellion is rebellion, no matter how it may manifest itself.
So, while I still have breath in me, I’ll continue to have an extra sugar in my tea; I’ll refuse to go to bed at a reasonable hour; and, whenever somebody raises a toast… I’m never clinking my glass.
SERENDIPIDY
From the ruins of a shattered life, I crawl: The embodiment of pain, anger and dismay.
Within my breast beats a heart devoid of love, compassion or care. I know only hatred and pain, despair and woe.
I’m coming for you, and when I find you, I will destroy you… Break you… Rend your flesh and torment your soul.
Because I will never forget those vows you swore and a toast! To us, our health and happiness: To you, just hollow words, but to me a loving promise you failed to keep.
Just remember.
Your promise.
For better, or worse.
TOM
In the wake of endless sorrow
She burns bright with rage. It tempers every move. Make no mistake her
rebel heart with drop you without a second thought. Your glowing remains
will smolder beside some long-forgotten road. Your only hope to master the
intensity of task at hand. Never waver from the glorious quest or let less
soul dissuade you with words of comfort. In the night of a 1000 flames be
the rebel glow be hers alone and know at the end of all things you rose to
be the one. The light breaks set your mind of stone, your heart to iron,
you will to iron.
JARED
A Lucky Man and a Brave Woman
Their courtship and engagement had lasted a little more than 11 months. James would have been fine getting married on the anniversary of their engagement, but Natalie didn’t want to wait. And she couldn’t resist being a ‘June bride’.
The planning and the ceremony were a blur of memory now, as they were seated at the head table.
“Ahem… Hi, everyone. I’m Michael, James’ Best Man. I’ve known James since Second Grade. I met Natalie a week after she met James. James, hold on to her. You will never find another woman willing to be ‘Mrs. Hooker’.”
NORVAL JOE
Billbert and his parents arrived at the Air Bnb. They punched in the code and entered the house. When they flipped on the lights Billbert took in the view. A table was prominently displayed in the middle of the sitting room with an array of bottles of wine, cheese and crackers.
“Dive in, Billbert,” his mother said to him pointing to the crackers. She picked up a single serving bottle of wine. “Maybe we should have a toast.”
Mr. Blanketmaker laughed. “A toast to what? Our house in ruins?”
His wife shook her head. “No. How about a name change?”
PLANET Z
The rebels fled Freedom Town, leaving behind piles of dead hostages and setting fires as they left.
Fire suppression crews did their best to limit the damage.
Rebel flags on the poles were wired to explosives.
Anti-government posters were chemically treated with poison.
The water system was poisoned, too.
The rebels claimed the government did it all.
And the media repeated their lie.
So, the government raided the newspapers, radio stations, and television networks.
Expelled the ambassadors of countries that hosted rebel training camps and condemned the government’s response.
And the war raged no, there was nothing civil about it.
The timeline
After the timeline shattered, the phrase “How was your day?” took on new meaning.
Everybody literally had their own day.
So, when the timeliness settled down a bit, and they crossed and overlapped here and there, people would ask each other how their day was.
Instead of sharing tales of epic adventures, things were pretty much like they were before the timeline’s shattering.
There weren’t castles and unicorns and dragons before the rifts happened. It’s not like they’d magically appear now.
They all had the same boring, unremarkable lives they had before, just living them separately across the newly-formed multiverse.
Hulk smashes
Hulk smashes.
However, when Hulk tries to smash something that’s squishy, Hulk squishes.
Or Hulk smooshes.
When Hulk fought Marshmallow Man, Hulk smooshed him.
Sure, it was an epic battle, and it was one of Hulk’s best-selling issues, but to say Hulk smashed Marshmallow Man isn’t entirely accurate.
To say that Hulk impaled Marshmallow Man on a telephone pole and slow-roasted him over a large fire, well, that is accurate.
No, he didn’t make delicious smores with him.
Because that’s just downright creepy, eating your opponent after defeating him.
Hulk may be a savage monster, but he’s hardly a cannibal.
Breaking their toys
They’re marketed as sex robots, but they’re really passive sexdolls with a robotic head on them.
You can download an app to your phone to program the head to respond to phrases and motions in various ways.
There’s a hacker in Ukraine who writes ransomware for these things.
The head will shriek constantly unless you pay him the ransom.
Most guys will pay, just to get their expensive toy back working again.
For some guys, this is a turn-on, and they won’t pay the ransom.
So, the hacker makes the head whisper stock quotes.
A ballgag soon fixes that problem.
The dishes are done
Jack and Mary looked like the perfect couple, right?
Who would have thought that pots and pans would lead to this?
Mary spent a fortune on those pots and pans.
But when Jack tried to put them in the dishwasher, she freaked out.
They’re not dishwasher safe? said Jack. What a goddamned pain in the ass.
She said she cooked better with them. Jack said her cooking still tasted like shit.
They fought, and Jack ended up slamming the dishwasher’s door on Mary’s head a few times.
Now he’s washing dishes in prison.
And the food always tastes like shit.
The rain comes
After a few weeks of mild sunny weather and then a few days of hotter weather, it’ll be raining for a few days.
It’s a relaxing sound. The thunder. Lighting. The rain.
I didn’t slide the patio chairs under the umbrella in time to keep them dry, or I’d be reading under the big umbrella.
Oh well. Maybe I can fold up a bath towel, swap out a cushion, and sit on it under the cover.
The rain will stop in a few hours.
Maybe the streets will be fine tomorrow.
But if they aren’t, I can work at home.
The telephones
I hate the telephones.
Every one of them.
They’re always ringing.
Angry customers calling us.
Angry at us.
When they should be angry at themselves.
For not reading the manual.
For not following the instructions.
For using our product wrong.
For being so stupid.
And cheap, too.
Because we’re cheap.
We buy cheap servers.
We hire cheap labor.
Especially to answer the phones.
The phones that I hate.
The phones that are always ringing.
What do we sell?
Telephones, of course.
The customers call us.
To complain that they are broken.
But yet, somehow, they work enough to call us.