Weekly Challenge #775 – WINE

Pest

RICHARD

Miracle?

Yeah, turning water into wine, just a cheap parlour trick really. It’s not like anyone checked the jars for the false water trays.

Feeding the five thousand? Well, did you see the food come out of the baskets? Of course not, because it didn’t! All misdirection and sleight of hand.

As for Lazarus: Well, it could have been anyone wrapped up in those burial cloths… And it was!

Of course, people want to believe in miracles, and nobody looks too closely in the heat of the moment.

You’re going to love my final trick… It’ll be the stuff of legends!

LIZZIE

Everyone sat at the table and toasted. Everyone smiled. Yes, that fake smile that goes well with wine and the possibility of a new job. He thought about the cool car he’d buy, the shiny new apartment, even the weekend lodge by the lake. And then he blurted out that stupid thing. He had to say it, didn’t he? Why? Because he was a moron. “This wine is not one of the best I have had.” No more job for you, you simpleton. Why had he decided to apply for a job at a winery? He didn’t even like wine.

TOM

Wine

I live in the wine county. No really. Not that sugar injected region known
as New York. Or that euro-trash region outside of Paris. I am talking
above the Napa Valley. A land hip deep in volcanic red soil. Of course,
having tastes buds raised in Chicago took a fair amount of time to mature.
Also getting over the idea of a bottle costing a day’s pay is, well now
reasonable, also took some time. When I was young wine choice was binary,
how its more taxonomical. But really, it’s all about the pairing. What
wine goes with Cap-n-Crunch.

SERENDIPIDY

When I bought the house, I had only one stipulation.

I didn’t care about the state of repair, the number of bedrooms or whether the shrubs were well-established and cared for.

The only thing I insisted upon was a wine cellar.

A large wine cellar, dry, and with thick, thick walls.

The agent thought I was a connoisseur; someone of refined tastes and an eye for quality.

Which, of course, I am.

And you could say, I do enjoy a ruby red claret.

So why not come over, sample my hospitality?

I’ll keep a space on the rack for you.

TURA

Wine
———
When the wine has been drunk, the bottle is discarded.

When a teaching comes into the world, it comes in a bottle, that being the individuality of the teacher, the time and place where he appears, and the types that he draws to himself.

One day, the teacher is gone, for such people live and die as do we all. The wine poured out, his students thereafter venerate the empty bottle, worshipping the dead husk of his teaching.

Those who would discard the bottle and seek the source of the living wine that he brought are driven away as heretics.

NORVAL JOE

The chief handed Mrs. Blanketmaker a slip of paper. “Here’s an Air BnB we’ve rented for you. It’s called ‘The Wine and Cheese, if You Please’ bed and breakfast. Apparently, they have a deal with a local winery and stock the place with a bunch of little sample bottles of wine and all the cheese and crackers you can eat. And you can stay as long as you need to find a new place.”
Billbert’s hopes lifted. “You mean we don’t have to move away?”
The chief winked at him. “Not yet, anyway. There’s still work to do right here.”

JARED

Anticipation
After their week in San Francisco, James was anxious to get to Napa. You could say it had been a whirlwind, his and Natalie’s courtship. He couldn’t help but smile to himself, thinking of how far they had come.
He breathed a little more easily once they had cleared the Golden Gate Bridge and were headed past Sausalito. He was never comfortable driving over bridges.
As he continued driving, he began to realize – he was still anxious. Not because of a bridge, but because of the little box in his coat pocket. And because of Natalie’s answer to his question…

PLANET Z

Never conduct a seance with a cheap bottle of wine.
Or candles. Or dishes.
You need the finest of everything to summon spirits.
The cheaper the placesettings and decorations, the weaker the gateway you will make between worlds.
And, should you manage to summon something from beyond, the harder it will be to send them back.
So, should you get lucky and entice a greater demon from the pits of hell to your living room with paper plates and Mad Dog 20, well done.
Not that I would call you lucky, seeing as you’re going to be stick with him.

Young elephants

A pack of young elephants will cause all kinds of trouble.
But if you introduce them to an adult elephant, the adult will whip them into shape pretty quickly, and the young elephants will behave.
They say the same thing is true with young people.
They can get into a lot of trouble on their own.
But if you let an adult elephant loose on them, the elephant will trample them to death.
Sure, they won’t get into any more trouble. You know, being dead and all.
But you’ll be in trouble for letting an elephant trample them to death.

Run away and join

When the circus comes to town, kids dream of running away from their boring, ordinary lives.
The clowns, the animals, the acrobats, the sights and smells…
Billy was sick of them all, the train coming to a stop, rolling off the equipment and carts, setting up the tents.
Then running the same show, over and over, before packing it all up and going to the next town.
Billy ran away and joined a town.
Houses… built on the ground!
A school! Teaching math and grammar! Such amazing things!
Left behind, his heartbroken mother, tears flowing into her luxurious black beard.

When Spring comes to Texas

Winter doesn’t last long in Texas.
Neither does Spring.
Summer comes, and then, a blazing hell that drives us all indoors for months and months.
The flowers that bloomed so beautifully will dry, wither, rot, and fall.
Go ahead. Water them.
Maybe they’ll last another day or two.
Or maybe they’ll rot faster.
What the hell do you know about plants anyway?
Another powder. Another formula. Another device.
Another strain of that plant or grass.
They don’t do anything.
Well, okay… they just make the weeds grow thicker.
It’s okay. There’s always next year.
When Spring returns to Texas again.

Buzz punch

A while back, some nutcase got in astronaut Buzz Aldrin’s face and yelled that the moon landing had been faked.
Buzz punched the guy in the face.
Maybe you’ve seen it?
Man, to be punched in the face by Buzz Aldrin. THE Buzz Aldrin.
I’d pay good money to get punched in the face by him.
People would probably pay to have him punch me in the face.
Fund a new moon mission with that money from all the people wanting me to get punched.
Unless they faked the face-punching, of course.
Then, I’m sure, Buzz would punch me anyway.

The deli

The war was over. Germany had lost.
And a lot of Berlin delicatessens who had named sandwiches after Hitler had to make some drastic menu changes in 1945.
“Hi, Franz.”
“Hi, Rolf. What’ll you have?”
“Oh, my usual. The Hitler.”
“Sorry, we call it the Hoagie now.”
“Is it still seven wheelbarrows of Reichmarks?”
“Yes, but cheese is one wheelbarrow extra.”
“So expensive!”
“No milk to make cheese. They had to shoot the cows.”
“Oh, so it is. Coleslaw comes with it?”
“That or potato salad.”
“Okay, fine.”
Instead of sandwich wraps and napkins, they used Reichmarks.
They were cheaper.

HR

So, if you like asking your HR staff insane questions, try this one: “If I built a robot that beats the Turing test, can I declare it as a dependent?”
If they say that you cannot declare robots as dependents, reply with “How do you KNOW that it’s a robot I keep in this cardboard box, and it’s not my son?”
They might respond “Why would you keep your son in a box?”
And you could say “Maybe he’s really ugly?
Or he’s shy?
Or really sensitive to light?”
I bet there’s a special form for that kind of thing.

Weekly Challenge #774 – Pizza

Happy Tinnyversary!

RICHARD

Pizza!

I love pizza!

I don’t mind what kind – thin and crispy, stuffed crust, deep dish… Just bring it on, and you’ve got a friend for life.

I’m not a topping snob either. You’ll never see me look aghast at the suggestion of pineapple on top; you’ll never hear me insist on only authentic toppings, and no more than six because any more spoils the taste!

Nonsense! Pile them on, I say, and don’t be mean with the helpings.

Tomato, white sauce or barbecue, I’m equally happy. They’re all wonderful.

But, there’s none for you.

Get your own: This one’s mine!

LIZZIE

It’s the best food on earth, he said. What did you put in this? It tastes funny. Oh, it’s the seasoning. I can’t remember, but I tossed everything I had on it. And he laughed, amused by his friends’ hesitation. Eat it, eat it. I made plenty of them for the picnic. And they did eat. When they started dropping like flies, he scratched the name of each one of them out from a list. He had that list since he was 13, when they made him eat pizza with rat meat in it. Revenge is such a sweet thing.

SERENDIPIDY

Giovanni’s allegedly sold the best pizza in town, which was a punch in the teeth for my business.

We may not have made the best pizzas, but ours were cheap, and until Giovanni came onto the scene, we had the monopoly, but now sales were falling every week.

The community was shocked, but it came as no surprise to me when the police found Giovanni’s body, baked in his own pizza oven, sliced, stuffed into pizza boxes and delivered all round town.

They never found the culprit.

Very sad, but on the positive side, my business is booming, once more.

TOM

Seemed like a good idea at the time

A few years back I saw a movie about meat consumption. After watching I
removed it from my diet. For two long years, no pizza. No pepperoni, no
sausage, no Canadian bacon, or even chicken. Boy I missed chicken. Two
years in the wasteland. Would still be there, but for a video by a noted
nutritionist. Perky beyond human endurance. Happily, she chirped “A lack
of animal protein may lead to nerve damage. NERVE DAMAGE. She was actually
smiling. Well, screw that. So, I did the math. I can eat pizza three time
a day for the rest of life.

TURA

Pizza
———
Once upon a time there was a baker. His genius was not content to bake the same loaves every day, and he experimented with every method of baking bread, and baking every foodstuff into it.

Once, he had a surplus of unsold stale bread. He crumbled and baked it into a new batch, creating the renowned “pane del pane”, or “bread bread”.

His greatest invention was to bake a layer of cheese onto a flatbread, and embed into it a variety of vegetables and meat. A fad for this novelty swept through his city, for which it became named: Pisa.

JARED

First Date
James anxiously checked his watch for the third time in less than three minutes, and wondered how early ‘too early’ was. He hated this part of first dates.
Unbeknownst to him, Natalie was simultaneously anxious about being early, and on the verge of being late in her preparations for their date. She couldn’t decide if she was nervous or excited. Maybe just gassy?
They both felt like their first meeting had been interesting enough that it merited an official first date. They agreed on pizza. And agreed on Zito’s. They debated on which one, but compromised by picking Orange Plaza.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert sat with his parents in the diner feeling as empty and desolate as the tables around them. “Mom. I understand we’ll start over. Can we do it here? I like my school, and Linoliamanda is my friend. I don’t want to leave all this.”
A short, bald man walked into the diner, picked up a pizza box from the waitress at the register, came to their table and sat down.
Mrs. Blanketmaker frowned at the man. “Good evening, Chief. Are you hungry?”
The chief smiled. “Yes. But really, we need to make plans for your family, and Nuclear Fission.”

PLANET Z

When the power came back on, the first thing I did was turn on the lights, run to the kitchen, and fire up the oven to make pizza.
It took about 8 minutes to preheat the oven.
Then, I opened the freezer for the first time in three days and got out the frozen pizzas.
Well, they had been frozen.
I opened the boxes and they came out floppy.
Were they still okay to eat?
Well, if I’m going to heat them up in the oven, that will kill any really bad things, right?
I shrugged, and closed the oven.

The minotaur killing machine

If Daedalus could build functional wings out of the debris strewn about in the Labyrinth, why couldn’t he just build a goddamned minotaur-killing machine?
Well, the truth is, that was his first project.
He gathered up the bones of the minotaur’s victims, wood, wax, feathers, and twine.
From these, he fashioned an elaborate minotaur-killing war eagle.
Winding up the device, it thrashed and flapped about.
Then, it flew out of the Labyrinth.
“Well, shit, Dad,” said Icarus. “I hope there’s material left for us.”
As we all know the story, there was.
Just not enough left over for emergency parachutes.

Window office

For years, I worked in an office without a window.
I liked the dark and the quiet.
And I thought I’d be scared of heights.
Every time I went into another office with a window, I’d look out the window and get vertigo.
So, I didn’t want an office with a window.
Then, when one was available, on a whim, I moved into a corner office with a lot of windows.
And I liked it.
It was bright on sunny days, and interesting on cloudy or rainy days.
The freeway traffic is like the ocean sounds.
I nap more easily.