Tag: music

Tattoos

VERSION 1:

Unlike ice cream trucks and their melodic chimes playing Turkey In The Straw or Pop Goes The Weasel, Ted’s Tattoo Truck announces its presence with Metallica’s Enter Sandman.
He usually parks it outside of schools and offers up a wide range of temporary tattoos, from snarling demons to Hello Kitty. But every now and then, a company will hire him to print up their logo or latest marketing buzzword for a corporate picnic.
His original plan was to offer real tattoos, but those take too long to create.
Temporary tattoos allow repeat business, and don’t piss off parents as much.

VERSION 2:

Do you hear that?
That’s not Pop Goes The Weasel, or Turkey in the Straw.
That’s Metallica’s Enter Sandman on the jangly jinglechimes of Ted’s Temporary Tattoo Truck!
It’s been a while since he was last at our school.
Our moms and dads were so angry. But Ted’s lawyer was angrier, and now Ted’s back! Hoorah!
What will you get?
A unicorn? A demon? A Hello Kitty?
A Harry Potter forehead lightning bolt scar?
I’m going to get Mom on a heart for my arm. Maybe get a whole sheet of them.
Because who knows when he’ll be back again.

Birds

You know that song, “Why do birds suddenly appear?”
Well, I know why birds suddenly appear every time you are near. It’s obvious.
It’s all that birdseed you covered yourself with.
How did you get it to stick to your body?
Peanut butter?
Honey?
Baby oil?
I hope you’re not allergic.
Not only does that crap attract birds, but there’s a large population of squirrels and chipmunks and other varmints following you around.
Okay, so some of them eat the seeds you’re leaving behind you, but the ones that crawl up your legs… aren’t you worried about rabies or scratches?

Casting Call

Sally was a great singer, but a lousy actress, and she was ugly as hell.
Denise was a great actress, but her singing was awful, and she wasn’t much to look at.
Tracy looked amazing, but she couldn’t sing or act her way out of a paper bag.
All three showed up to the casting call.
The producer hired Sally to perform on the soundtrack. Then, he hired Denise to work with the stop-motion capture group.
What he did with Tracy, well, let’s just say that she ought to have a pimp instead of an agent.
The movie bombed spectacularly.

Ribbit

Kermit the Frog’s a famous Hollywood celebrity, but if you asked him, he’d give up the singing and dancing in a heartbeat to pursue his lifelong dream of being a weatherman.
He’d log the temperature, winds, and rain in his journal every day. For Christmas, he’d ask Santa for a barometer, but all he’d get is acting lessons or a banjo.
In college, he studied meteorology and got perfect grades.
But when he got a television gig, he was assigned to Muppet News Flashes, not weather.
You see, he’s green, and the weather map uses a green screen.
Poor bastard.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Pete Townsend may have written Won’t Get Fooled Again, but for all his bluster, Pete was really easy to fool.
The rest of the band was always fooling Pete, smashing up their hotel rooms and then switching the numbers around when Pete went to get more ice. Then they’d smash up his room too.
Keith Moon managed to stick Pete with his bar tabs, and then he bought a car with the money he saved.
The one that he ran himself over with.
The bass player? What’s his name?
Exactly.
When Roger Daltrey dies, Pete will get the last laugh.

Dark Music

I wake up in the dark, wrapped in a thin blanket, and I cannot see anything.
I hear nothing but the sound of my breath, and my heartbeat.
I can feel the floor. The floor is cold tile.
I can feel my violin case next to me.
It feels strange… wet… slick…
Something is sliding around inside of it.
I hear a violin in the distance. My violin.
I wrap the blanket around me tighter.
The music is getting louder… closer…
A voice whispers in my ear. “Thank you for the violin.”
The music is getting softer.. further…
I scream.

Bow Wood

The best musical instrument bows are made out of the Pernambuco tree. They hold their shape for centuries, and they draw the most beautiful sound out of the instrument they are played with.
Sadly, the Pernambuco, or the Brazilwood, is a rare tree in Brazil that has been exploited to near-extinction.
Thankfully, traditional bow craftsmen are working to conserve the Pernambuco and plant new groves of the tree.
But rival carbon-fiber bow makers, threatened by all that is natural and pure, go around chopping down the Pernambuco and burning them for firewood.
The lesson to be learned?
Play the oboe.

Big Girls

The Four Seasons sang that big girls don’t cry, but they were full of shit. The bigger the girl, the bigger the tears.
Hell, I’ve found out that big girls don’t just cry, but they tend to throw punches and occasionally pull a knife.
The biggest girl I knew was nine feet tall, and she carried a sledgehammer. Whenever she cried, she’d cry buckets, and then whallop the hell out of anything nearby: phone booths, Buicks. She was a vicious wrecking machine.
That’s why I stick to midgets.
Even if they do cry, at least the property damage is minimal.

Slip n’ Slide

Teddy was in the high school marching band.
But instead of the slide trombone, he played the Slip n’ Slide trombone.
While everybody else marched around the football field and played their instruments, Teddy would get a running start and leap on to a wet orange plastic sheet while he played his trombone.
Everybody thought it was cool, and Teddy got cheers and shouts every time he slid.
Until he tripped.
Instead of sliding along the sheet, Teddy fell face-down into the dirt, and the trombone mouthpiece knocked his teeth out.
After that, he played the Slip ‘n Slide whistle.

Holly Jolly

Most Christmas songs are stupid, but there’s one stupider than all the rest: Have A Holly Jolly Christmas.
I know what jolly means, but what the hell does holly mean?
Yes, I know it’s a plant. But in the context of the song, holly is meant to act as an adjective. Or as an adverb that modifies jolly.
When I last checked the dictionary, the only definition for holly is as a noun.
Can you have a holly jolly anything else?
Easter?
Birthday?
Blowjob?
Root canal?
No?
Then fuck you and your holly jolly Christmas.
I’m too busy celebrating Kwanzaa.