Ever make a wish on a star?
If you make it on the first star you see, it never comes true, right?
That’s because that star is hundreds of light years away. Maybe thousands.
Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, so by the time the wish reaches the star, you’ll probably be long dead.
However, there’s Alpha Proximi. It’s just 4 light-years away. So, if you make your wish on it, and a wish goes the speed of light, it will take 4 years for JACK SHIT TO HAPPEN BECAUSE STARS DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WISHES!

What kind of world?

“What kind of world are we leaving to our children and grandchildren?” shouted the Green Party protestor.
I followed him home after the protest.
He lives in his mother’s basement.
If you’re going to get them to succeed, you’ve got to kick them out of the nest.
Which applies to space travel.
Humanity will never reach for the stars as long as it can play its XBoxes and Playstations in its mother’s basement.
If we ruin this planet faster, humanity has no choice but to reach for the stars.
Forget saving the nest, kid. Spread your wings and fly free.

Soylent Groan

Near the end of the movie Soylent Green, Charlton Heston’s character weeps as he accompanies his elderly friend to the suicide center.
The tears are genuine. E G Robinson was dying, and he told Charlton about it before the shoot. Charlton wasn’t acting… the emotion of the impending death of his friend was overwhelming.
Also, the whole “processing the dead into food” thing was genuine, too. The movie was over budget, so the producers cut the catering budget by eating hundreds of extras killed in various accidents on the set.
Accidents. Uh huh. Right.
Charlton laughed, and asked for seconds.

The Angels

Michelangelo said that he saw the angel in the marble, and carved until he was set free.
As for the basement of hookers that he’d brutally stabbed and eviscerated, well, Michelangelo claimed that he’d seen angels in them, but when he carved each of them up, he’d realized his mistake.
At first, the Pope wanted to have Michelangelo arrested and tried for murder, but instead, he asked Michelangelo if he heard any angels coming from his political rivals.
Sure enough, he did.
So, the Pope had the bodies quietly removed, and let the homicidal artist continue on with Papal patronage.

The Crime

It was a sunny day without a cloud in the sky when Bert killed Ernie.
After all those years together, Ernie only wanted to share his bathtub with his rubber duckie.
And all those stupid, annoying questions.
The last thing Ernie said was “Why is it Sesame Street instead of Sesame Court?”
Bert snapped.
A few hours later, Bert called the police and confessed.
The police said they’d send someone to pick him up.
Three hours later, the police unit had gotten lost on the way.
The officer called Bert: “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”


Ever hear the phrase “judge, jury, and executioner?”
Well, in Tangle Creek, Alaska, that’s their justice system.
If Old JJ Barleyfield catches you committing a crime in Tangle Creek, your ass is toast.
But then, there’s not much crime in that old mining town… Fred’s the only resident there these days.
Well, was.
Fred must have caught himself committing a crime, because the mail delivery service found him dead the other day.
The paperwork he left behind was just scribbles that nobody could understand.
At first, the state coroner ruled it Suicide, but he scratched that out and wrote Justice.


You know that song, “Why do birds suddenly appear?”
Well, I know why birds suddenly appear every time you are near. It’s obvious.
It’s all that birdseed you covered yourself with.
How did you get it to stick to your body?
Peanut butter?
Baby oil?
I hope you’re not allergic.
Not only does that crap attract birds, but there’s a large population of squirrels and chipmunks and other varmints following you around.
Okay, so some of them eat the seeds you’re leaving behind you, but the ones that crawl up your legs… aren’t you worried about rabies or scratches?

The Book

I like stories that begin “Once upon a time.”
And I like stories that end with “And they lived happily ever after.”
So when I go to the bookstore, I check the first page for “Once upon a time” and the last page for “And they lived happily ever after.”
If they’re there, I’ll buy the book.
Otherwise, I won’t.
The rest of the book doesn’t really matter. Because no matter what happens in the book, they’re going to live happily ever after.
Why bother reading the book at all, I suppose.
I skip to the end, and I smile.


Dante wrote that the gates of Hell are inscribed with: “Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.”
It used to be only in Italian, but now it’s in dozens of languages.
But that’s all on the outside of the gates.
The inside reads: “You will need to get your hand stamped for re-entry on same day fare.”
People entering Hell sometimes see that and wonder if it’s possible to leave Hell because of that.
“Can I get my hand stamped?” these people ask.
The Devil laughs at these fools. “Didn’t you read the first sign?”
Then he laughs more.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

Pete Townsend may have written Won’t Get Fooled Again, but for all his bluster, Pete was really easy to fool.
The rest of the band was always fooling Pete, smashing up their hotel rooms and then switching the numbers around when Pete went to get more ice. Then they’d smash up his room too.
Keith Moon managed to stick Pete with his bar tabs, and then he bought a car with the money he saved.
The one that he ran himself over with.
The bass player? What’s his name?
When Roger Daltrey dies, Pete will get the last laugh.