Voices in Jeopardy

When the angry voices in his head came back, Harry checked himself into the hospital.
The doctors tried a variety of medicines, but they made the voices angry.
So, the doctors took Harry to an amusement park. And the voices had a good time.
Then, they had Harry try out for Jeopardy as a contestant. The voices helped him with the answers, and he won match after match.
Harry should have become rich on the winnings, but the show found out about the voices and claimed he was cheating.
Harry checked himself into the hospital, soaked in Alex Trebek’s blood.

Musical Cats

Most people’s pets like music.
For instance, my cat loves opera music.
However, she’s no longer satisfied with opera on the radio. Or on DVD or CD.
It has to be a live performance now.
At first, I had to smuggle her into the opera house. And I had to pay for one of those private boxes, because someone might have seen her in my backpack in a floor seat.
Then, an usher caught me, but he saw how much she loves opera now.
Ballet, on the other hand, is a no-no, after she attacked The Mouse King in Nutcracker.


For my wife’s birthday, we bought her a new truck.
She gave me her old truck to drive, but it needs new tires.
For the past two weeks, instead of helping me get new tires, she’s been watching football.
Fuck it. I’ll go myself.
And when I went out to the parking lot, her new truck was up on blocks.
Someone had stolen her wheels.
Instead of going to get new tires for my truck, she needs to get new tires AND wheels for her truck.
And while she waits for the insurance to process her claim… she’s watching football.

When we were friends

We recently added Netflix to our television.
I’ve been watching complete series of various shows for the past month.
But today, I started watching the old series Twin Peaks.
It’s so old, that it’s in the old four by three format.
The picture looks plastic-smooth, and yet grainy. Upconverting artifacts of a filmed television series.
The black curtains on either side of the television feel strange… I’ve gotten used to widescreen.
I’m not watching this to watch it. I’m watching it to remember when I first watched it.
Who I watched it with. With friends.
When they were still friends.

Schools Were Closed

Monday, schools were closed because the weatherman said there were icy conditions on the roads, so they couldn’t run the buses.
Tuesday, schools were closed because the weatherman said there was a hurricane warning.
Wednesday, schools were closed because the weatherman said that there were wildfires in the area that were threatening populated areas.
Thursday, schools were closed because the weatherman warned of flash floods.
And on Friday, schools were closed.
No, the weatherman didn’t say anything.
It was because everybody with children had moved away.
What kind of person would raise their kids in a crazy place like this?

Shows Stopper

Other than baseball and a zombie show on Sundays, I rarely watch television. Instead, I listen to podcasts, and I hear things that spark my imagination.
My wife wanted to check out Netflix, so I signed us up.
That’s when I saw all the Dr. Who episodes. And Torchwood. And Blackadder. And Red Dwarf. And…
Well, my podcast queue it getting clogged up. And I don’t get inspired to write as many stories as I used to.
But you know what?
Screw it. They’ve got all of that Futurama show, too.
Good news, everyone… it’s time for some more television!


Back when all there was to watch was broadcast television, every series ran Christmas specials.
Even the ones that had no business running them, like shows in space or prehistoric times.
There was a Christmas special for Star Wars, despite being long ago and in a galaxy far away.
And it was horrible. The Star Wars special… all of them.
These days, people watch cable television or Netflix and Hulu and Amazon.
You don’t have to watch any of that crap.
Although, if you really wanted to, you could read a book or spend time with family.
Nah. What’s on?


Ted “Avalanche” Jones played dirty. He was the dirtiest player in football.
Dirtier than Louie “The Freight Train” Brown, Robert “Knife To The Face” Williams, and Juan “Murder” Rodriguez.
That dirty.
He collected more flags than a lawn crew at Arlington National Cemetery after Memorial Day, and his fines ended up paying off the national debt.
He was so dirty, he was called for a late hit at his Football Hall Of Fame induction ceremony.
That’s right. He did a horse-collar tackle on his own son and threw him into the press pool.
They don’t make punters like that anymore.

Bad Baseball

Eight years ago, the Houston Astros were swept by the Chicago White Sox in the World Series.
The once-mighty teams are currently two of the worst teams in baseball, and I am watching them stink up the field with their cheap rookie rosters, with the occasional discount washed-up veteran.
Even the on-air announcers are worse. They’re so bored with the game, they’re watching other games and doing play-by-play on them.
They’re doing a great job with that other game, too.
Maybe they’re doing it to get out of this market and call real games.
I don’t blame them one bit.

Sitcom Dreams

For a while, it seemed like every stand-up comedian got their own sitcom.
Then, they all got talk shows, and celebrities were so worn out running from show to show, they had no time or energy to do all the stuff that made them celebrities in the first place.
The guests dried up, the audiences dried up, and finally the advertisers dried up.
The comedians lost their talk shows and tried to get sitcoms, but the sitcoms were all replaced with reality shows.
So, they started their own comedy clubs, and the young comedians flowed in… with their sitcom dreams.