I wake up early for work. My wife wakes up late.
By the time she gets home from work, I’m either asleep or falling asleep.
We rarely see each other during the week.
The cats love this arrangement. It means they have someone around almost all of the time to beg for treats.
We don’t, but until we win the lottery or get jobs with better schedules, it’s how things are.
I go to sleep, hugging a pillow, and when my wife wakes me up, I hand it to her.
It smells like both of us.
The cats love it.
Tag: valentine
Dumped
Missy broke up with her latest?
Didn’t she say this was The One?
He was perfect. They were perfect together.
All that lovey-dovey crap on her Facebook and shit?
Yeah, I thought so.
So, The One dumped her. Like all the rest.
Man, what a shame.
That makes how many this year?
I don’t know either. I lost count at ten.
Remember The Price Is Right?
Yeah, the game show.
They had a mountain climber game.
He’d yodel all the way up the mountain.
The more wrong you were, the louder and higher he got.
Higher… louder… higher…
Then… splat.
Cinderell-huh?
If Cinderella’s glass slipper fit, why did it fall off?
And when it fell off, why didn’t it turn back into her ragged ordinary slipper when the clock struck midnight?
The horses turned back into mice.
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin.
Her ball gown turned back into the clothes she was wearing the day before.
So why not that slipper?
It’s because of the Fairy Godmother.
Why she didn’t just blast the wicked stepmother and the two sisters with her magic wand and make the prince her undying love slave, well, that’s because she was a manipulative bitch.
The Unforgiving Tree
As the old man sat on the stump of The Giving Tree, he pondered all that he had taken from his beloved friend.
Her leaves to make crowns.
Her apples to sell for money.
Her branches to build a house.
Her trunk to build a boat.
And what had he given her?
Nothing.
Clutching his chest, he let out a gasp, and died.
The Giving Tree laughed. “Serves you right, you greedy bastard.”
She laughed for hours, until the old man’s sons dug up her stump and carved a coffin from it, as the old man instructed in his will.
Swan Lake
My girlfriend said we’re going to Swan Lake on Friday night.
Good. It’s been a while since I’ve been hunting.
She’s always chewing me out for killing animals, making me do all these high-falootin society ballets and symphonies
She’s finally come around and seen things my way.
I packed my shotguns, ammo, gear, and other essentials into the truck and drove to her place to pick her up.
She was made up and dressed up all gorgeous.
“Honey, you look wonderful, but that’s gonna get all messed up at the lake,” I said.
Thank God I didn’t load the shotguns.
Unhappy New Year
Due to a logistical error, the Baby New Year ended up in the womb of a crack-smoking teen runaway in Boise, Idaho, and he was born two months premature.
It caught the world completely off guard.
Not only did everything really suck for a while as the unhealthy year struggled to survive inside its incubator, but companies shed hundreds of thousands of jobs because the whole Christmas shopping season was lost.
“We’ll make Valentine’s Day the big shopping day!” they said, but there’s only so many chocolates and edible panties the market can bear.
Here’s hoping next year’s better, friends.
Anchor
Back when gaslamps lit the streets of New Orleans, sailors would go to sea and their loves would wait for their return.
Most came back to port on schedule, or close to it.
Others were delayed by storms, pirates… so many dangers.
When a ship was due, their loves came to the docks and met them as they arrived, walking down the gangplank, that moment.
Or, if they didn’t arrive, waiting.
Late one day… two… a week… a month.
Sometimes, the harbormaster wrote that worst of all fates: “LOST.”
And their hearts would sink, down… sink below the waves forever.
Heart Of Rust
Before the Wizard vanished into the sky, he told Tin Man that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
So, as Scarecrow ruled Emerald City, Tin Man sent the city’s soldiers from door to door, surveying the townsfolk on how much they loved him.
Over time, he expanded the surveys to all the lands of Oz, and the results sank from a grateful love to a weary negative.
“WHY?” shouted Tin Man.
He called for one final census.
“Because of all these annoying surveys!” was the overwhelming response.
Ice Queen
She was the most beautiful woman in all the land, but The Ice Queen’s heart was no man’s to own.
The Sun Prince, captivated by her beauty, asked Merlin The Wizard for advice.
“Take this potion,” he said. “It will melt the ice from her heart.”
The Prince set out at dawn, and made the queen’s castle in a week.
Slipping the potion into her wine, he watched as the Queen’s face turned to shock, then agony.
Merlin arrived the next day, not expecting two corpses.
“Her heart wasn’t covered with ice,” said the Prince’s suicide note. “It WAS ice.”
Painted Heart
She tears open your chest, dips a brush on to her palette, and paints her life upon your beating heart.
The first time you see her, who is that?
The first time apart, when will I see her again?
You hand in hers, as the ring goes on her finger till death do we part.
And as she pulls that ring off and tosses it in your face.
With one final jab, she is finished.
And you are left there, gasping, as the colors begin to run… and fade… and burn.
She is gone, she is gone, she is gone.