Tag: food

Mixed Blessing

She’s always saying bad things happening, like lost keys or a chipped tooth, can turn out to be mixed blessings, but when you encounter the good and the bad so clearly, I don’t think the blessings have been mixed thoroughly.
She’s also bad with mixing oatmeal, and I hit dry patches of unmixed oats among the lumpy mush in my bowl.
If you chip a tooth on oatmeal and you’re told “Well, don’t think of it as a trip to the dentist, but think of it as a day off of work” that’s not a mixed blessing. That’s badly-mixed oatmeal.

Marshmallow Town

Marshmallow Town is under martial law.
Campers with sticks, graham crackers, and chocolate bars are roaming the streets, abducting Marshmallowites and dragging them back to their campfires.
To impale them.
To hold them over the fire.
To stick them between the crackers with the chocolate and…
OH MY GOD! THE MARSHMALLOWITY!
Sadly, marshmallows can’t fight back, so they’re hired a brute squad from Butterville.
The butter brutes patrol the streets, looking for campers with sticks.
“Your sticks are no match for our unsaturated fats!” shout the butter brutes.
So the campers pull out their knives and warm them with lighters…

The Turkey

The farmer has fed the turkey every day, and the turkey has every reason to believe this will continue on forever.
So, when the farmer loads the turkey on to the truck and takes him to the butcher, the turkey is thinking “The butcher is going to feed me?”
The butcher approaches with a knife, raises the blade, and then hands it to the turkey.
“Nobody will suspect you,” he whispers to the turkey.
Then he pulls out a photograph of a rival butcher.
“I want no witnesses.”
The turkey nods, and then says “So, when do I get fed?”

Balanced breakfast

Jimmy walked into the kitchen, picked up a banana, and put it on his shoulder.
Then he got out a bowl, filled it with cereal, poured milk into it, and stuck that on top of his head.
He didn’t spill a drop.
Then he dropped two slices of bread in the toaster, waited, and juggled the toast in one hand while spinning a glass of orange juice with a finger on the other hand.
He walked back to the table and sat down.
Janice wanted a diet soda, but Jimmy growled “That’s not part of a complete and balanced breakfast!”

Walking

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
There are a lot of grocery stores within walking distance from where I live.
It’s good exercise.
I walked to Kroger to get chicken and lemons.
Then I walked to Central Market to get bread crumbs.
I realized I didn’t have enough butter, so I went to HEB to get that, too.
I made lemon chicken that night. It was delicious.
But the next morning, I didn’t have milk for my coffee.
Dipped the chicken in it for the breading.
So, I used Bailey’s instead.
(Now we’re out of that, too.)

Kate

Remember that supermodel Kate Moss? Yeah the really thin chick. Really thin. Scary thin. She could put on a bikini and double her weight. yeah, that’s her. You could see the bones in her hips… her arms, really unattractive, yet, she was a model.
Well, she got bitten by a zombie… kept groaning brains, and all, but when it got right down to it, after all the biting and attacking and stuff, she didn’t really eat any brains. Oh, sure, she’d moan braaaaaaains along with the rest of the pack, she ended up just pushing them round on her plate.”

Roughing It

When I was young, we’d go camping.
Well, almost.
It was more of a log cabin-themed motel with pine trees planted in the field by the parking lot.
A bed as uncomfortable as a sleeping bag.
There was a lake, but we never went to it.
Which was good, since I don’t like boats. Or fishing.
Or camping.
There were bugs, though. Lots of them.
I don’t remember any roasting marshmallows or hot dogs, but I do remember a fire.
I think everybody got out in time. I don’t think anybody got hurt.
We drove home.
My bed felt wonderful.

Exoplanet

Scientists made a list of Earth-like exoplanets.
The first set of seeder pods full of colonizing bacteria were ready when the meteorites began to fall into the ocean.
Strange energy signals rose from the depths, and algae started to assemble into vegetable-based manufacturing centers, spewing plant-based exploration tendrils.
We tried to stop them. A few hundred nukes later, we thought the invaders were defeated.
They weren’t. The battle raged on for years before we finally won.
Still, one day, the plants and vegetables might rise again.
And that’s why you need to mow the lawn and eat your lima beans.

The Speed Of Pie And Ice Cream

The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound, that’s why you see lightning before you hear thunder.
Dr. Fred Beamer’s spent his whole life researching this phenomenon.
Well, he was supposed to be researching it.
I looked through his file and found that he’d expensed years of meals at a local diner to the university.
“What?” Dr. Fred said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “I thought I was supposed to be researching pie and ice cream.”
He got me added to his grant. And if you keep quiet, he’ll add you, too.
Now try the blueberry.

Fix

Long ago, back before computers, I was a typewriter repairman.
People got all kinds of things stuck in their typewriters.
Once, I remember a guy dropping his old Underwood on the counter and saying “My colon is stuck.”
“You should eat some prunes,” I responded, and I got out my tools.
It took me just 20 minutes to fix it.
The next day, he comes in, and the typewriter is soaking wet.
“I tried the prunes,” he said. “I’m allergic and threw up.”
Into the typewriter. Which he ran through the dishwasher.
That took longer than 20 minutes to fix.