Years of therapy didn’t help.
Mountains of pills didn’t help.
Shelves full of self-help books didn’t help.
If anything, my life’s gotten more confusing and out of control.
So, I hired a life coach.
For three weeks, he followed me around and took notes.
Then, he called me into his office and said:
“I’m benching you.”
Another guy got up from a chair, patted me on the shoulder, and said “No hard feelings?”
Since then, I’ve been sitting here and watching him live my life.
And you know what?
He’s doing just great! I should have done this years ago!
Tag: silly
Wild Pizza
Every day, 75 acres of pizza are eaten in the United States.
At this rate, if we don’t work harder to conserve our Pizza Wilderness, pizza in the wild will be extinct.
You might think that your local hand-tossed the best, but there’s nothing quite like naturally-grown.
When harvested right. Which Domino’s, in its greed and haste, fails to do.
It’s ruined during transport. Spoils quickly. So they freeze it.
Disgusting! Truly abominable!
Teddy Roosevelt tried to create The Pizza Reserve, with its beautiful mozzarella blooms and tomato sauce falls. Instead, he protected Yellowstone.
Wanna go out for a slice?
Silent Symphony
The Symphony is performing “Concerto For Dogs” tonight.
It is entirely out of the human audio spectrum.
Violins, trombones, and other instruments tuned like dog whistles.
Nobody knows what the composer’s name is.
He was born as Almo Burt, but he had it changed a few years back to something outside of the audio spectrum, too.
Typical weirdo artist, right?
He steps through the curtain, bows, and announces: “Now put on your blindfolds. The performance is about to begin.”
The audience agrees, the lights are turned off, and the Symphony sneaks out for a drink at the pub next door.
Keep It Safe
Lisa needed for me to watch over something valuable for a few months.
So, I agreed, and she handed me a metal box safe. It was painted up really nice.
“Keep it safe,” she said, and she walked out the door.
A few weeks later, she called in a panic. “Is it safe? Is it still okay?”
I said “I don’t know” but we got disconnected.
I took it to the garage and opened it up with a drill-press.
Empty.
I called her back and said so.
“YOU CRACKED IT OPEN? YOU BROKE THAT ANTIQUE LOCK? IT WAS PRICELESS!”
Shit.
Spit Donor
Some guys make a few extra bucks donating their blood plasma, and others market their sperm, but I think I’m the only professional saliva donor out there.
Where I have overactive salivary glands, others are the opposite.
And you may think a cup of warm spit isn’t worth a cup of warm spit, to them it’s like liquid gold.
This being my livelihood, I have to charge a fair market value for my efforts.
Most people are shocked when they get the bill, but if they think my spit is expensive, they should see how much my lawyers charge me.
500 More
Remember when The Proclaimers sang that they’d walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more to fall down at your door?
I never understood that song. Why would someone walk a thousand miles? Can’t you get a plane ticket or bus fare?
It turns out that they walked out your door, kept walking for 500 miles, turned around, and then walked all the way back.
Why they did this, I have no idea. They could have just walked out your door and fallen down right then and there.
Utterly bizarre.
The Proclaimers truly put the “wonder” in “One Hit Wonder.”
130
When Shakespeare wrote that his mistress’ eyes were nothing like the sun, he had no idea that she had just inhaled particles from a passing comet and underwent ocular nuclear fusion.
Her eyes had become exactly like the sun: two miniature gaseous spheres of Hydrogen and Helium under intense pressure, temperature, and gravitational power.
She clutched her flaming head and screamed until collapsing into a pile of charred bone and ash.
Shakespeare thought about correcting his sonnet, but it was already at the printers.
“Oh well,” he muttered.
Then he picked up his pen and wrote “Thou art as tyrannous…”
13 and 666
Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. Many American buildings skip the number 13 when numbering floors.
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia is the fear of the number 666, which some consider the Number Of The Beast.
No building is tall enough to have a six hundred and sixty-sixth floor to skip, but Ronald and Nancy Reagan had their house number changed to 668 because of that fear.
Golf courses, on the other hand, have thirteenth holes, so I suppose if there were 666 holes, those would be numbered properly, too.
I’d hate to have to mow the grass on that course, though.
Princess
Remember when you got to the end of the dungeon in Super Mario Brothers, killed the bad guy, and saw:
“Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle.”
Well, then, who the hell is this bitch?
And what is she doing all the way down here?
Seven princesses later, Mario finally rescues the “real” princess.
If it were me, I’d have given up and settled for the first one.
She looks the same. And I’m sure her kingdom wants her back and will pay a reward for her.
I’m done with jumping around. Go ask my brother Luigi.
Blender
I love my new immersion blender.
Instead of using a hard-to-clean pitcher with blades in it that had be run through the dishwasher every time, I’m now using a stick with a set of blades on the end that I can just run under the faucet to clean.
I no longer have to go to Starbucks for frozen coffee slushes either. I just toss ice, chocolate sauce, cold coffee, and Bailey’s into a thick oversized mug, blend it for a while, and I’m done.
I still drop a dollar in a glass for a tip, though. Hard habit to break.