Edison wasn’t an inventor.
He was a miracle worker who raised the dead.
He made the dead speak through his phonograph.
And he made the dead appear through the film projector.
What other miracles could he perform?
Maybe raise the dead?
So, he dug up fresh bodies from the cemetery.
Laid them out on the table, hooked them up to his generators, and threw the switch.
They flopped about, but never truly came back to life.
So, he hooked up a phonograph under the table to play some sounds.
It was close enough to resurrection to keep the crowds entertained.
Lexus
The old truck has been falling apart faster than usual.
The battery, the alternator, the air conditioning.
One of the doors is loose, and I think the transmission is going out.
So, I looked into a new car, and talked to the owner of the garage where I get the truck fixed.
“Oh, you don’t want an Audi,” Mac said. “We have three in the garage there right now. Go get a Lexus. They’re good.”
So, I did,
And a week later, it was in the garage.
Along with four other Lexuses.
Also owned by suckers who listened to Mac.
Oh wait, they’re dead
As you get older, you have an increasing number of moments where you realize “Oh, wait. They’re dead.”
Some of them, you feel sad because you miss them, and they would have really enjoyed hearing what you were going to say.
Others, you feel relieved, because you don’t have to deal with their crap ever again.
And then there’s the ones who know shit about you that you don’t want to get out.
That’s when you might have a moment where you realize “Oh, wait. They’re still alive.”
Then you get your gun and shovel, and pay them a visit.
Weekly Challenge #733 – CHEMISTRY
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
LIZZIE
In a nutshell… The chemistry wasn’t right. So, I decided to burn it all, but burn it with style. The documentary didn’t make justice to the whole process. It was a masterpiece! I tried to make it as simple as possible. I drew the lines. But it wasn’t easy. Everything was a bit wiggly. The actual procedure only took place afterwards, of course. And.. It did burn for quite a bit. I had no idea it would take that long. On top of it all, it didn’t work properly. If it had I wouldn’t be here, would I, your honor?
RICHARD
Impersonals
Single, unattached, solvent male; young at heart with a good sense of humour, would like to meet friendly, sociable thirty-something female.
Needs to be easy on the eye, healthy, and in possession of an open mind.
Interests and hobbies, unimportant. Not looking for a long-term relationship or settling-down, and physical intimacy – whilst desirable – is not strictly necessary.
Looking for one-off meets of a strictly transactional nature.
The right chemistry is important, but only insofar as that required to select, transfer and merge egg and sperm to a successful conclusion.
Please supply your own, sterile, test tube.
SERENDIPIDY
There’s a chemistry between us – can you feel it?
I won’t deny that killing in cold blood has its own allure, but it’s always so much better when there’s that intangible connection between victim and killer: That frisson of emotion, born of fear, loathing and hope.
Like it, or not, we’re entered into a relationship, and that’s something very special, a wonderful, fragile connection that few will ever experience.
It makes this moment so much more special; and adds a certain poignancy to our eventual parting.
Don’t you feel the chemistry?
No?
A pity… but I’m still taking your life.
TOM
Chemistry was not in the cards for me. Chemistry was for smart people. After five years in Catholic Grade school I knew clearly what side of the line I was on. This was further confirmed by my brief glance at scientific notation. Scared the crap out me, so I sign up for 3rd period European history. Fast forward 25 years later, the requirements for AA put me in Mrs. Easters chem 101 class. Not alone did I wrestle Sci Notes to it’s knees. I got the highest grad in the class. All it took was brute force and a jug of Carl Rossi’s
NORVAL JOE
Linoliamanda was silent for a minute, then said, “Billbert. I don’t know what I would do without you as my friend. I really don’t want you to move away.”
She sounded on the verge of tears. He didn’t want her to be sad. “Really. I don’t think I will have to move, if I don’t get caught flying again.”
With a sudden attitude shift, she sounded completely happy again. “Right. We’ll have to be careful about when and where we fly.”
“What do you mean, we?” Billbert asked.
“Face it,” she said. “We have a special chemistry. We belong together.”
PLANET Z
The fundamental science of the universe is Physics.
It deals with the interactions of particles and forces and fields.
On top of Physics you get Chemistry.
Particles come together to form molecules, which interact in various ways.
Then comes Geology, Biology, and Astronomy.
Because rocks and life and the stars all come from chemical reactions.
Then comes Economics, Sociology, and Philosophy.
Those need living things to interact.
And Religion?
That should come from life, too.
There are those who think that Religion is the foundation of all things.
So, I kill them, and ask them if there’s Religion without life.
Fake Moon Landing
Some people say that NASA faked the moon landing.
No, the moon landing was real.
And most of the stuff that people saw on television was real.
But there was one thing that NASA faked.
It was when the astronauts golfed on the moon.
Alan Shephard was supposed to hit a few golf balls on the moon during the Apollo 14 mission.
But instead of his golf bag, he’d packed his tennis bag.
“The PGA paid us millions for this!” shouted Pete Frank, the flight director.
After NASA played the film, astronaut Edgar Mitchell hurled a lunar scoop in disgust.
Eternity’s Mist
To the saint, it is a travesty that there is no Heaven.
To the sinner, it is a relief that there is no Hell.
I walk through Eternity’s mist, looking for a sign of anything… anyone…
But there is nothing but the light and the mist.
I am walking on something, aren’t I?
The mist doesn’t just settle on vast emptiness, does it?
I kneel down, and feel what I think should be the ground.
The mist bothers my eyes.
I have eyes. And hands to feel, legs to bend with.
So I keep walking through the mist, never stopping.
Aretha
I remember that I once met Aretha Franklin, but I don’t remember when or where.
Bossy. Rude. Unpleasant.
Maybe it was her health bothering her, she was unhealthy and sick most of her life.
That can take a toll on a person’s psyche.
Some stranger, bothering you for something.
Even if they’re just saying hello or thanking you, but giving you your space.
I’ve met others who were gracious and pleasant and friendly.
Dom DeLuise was an absolute sweetheart.
He was unhealthy and sick most of his life, but he loved life and people.
Unlike that bitch Aretha, I guess.
You’re being awfully quiet
A coworker gave me a baseball bat.
Engraved on the side is “You’re being awfully quiet today.”
There’s some days I don’t feel like talking.
And when people notice, they say I’m being awfully quiet.
There’s no good response to that.
Because if I answer, I have to talk.
Kind of defeats the purpose of staying silent.
Usually, I’ll raise an eyebrow.
Or just ignore them.
It’s not them, really.
It’s me. I don’t feel like talking.
Not specifically to them, but anyone.
No particular reason.
No particular feeling.
I just don’t feel like talking.
Or talking about it, really.
Uncle Bob
You don’t say that a guy’s getting divorced.
Instead, you say “He’s moving in with his Uncle Bob.”
We load up the truck with whatever he thinks he’s going to get to keep, and we head down to Bob’s Storage Facility.
Pick up a key from Bob in the office, enter the gate code, and drive down the alley until we get to the right unit.
“Hey, we’re neighbors!” says one of the guys. He’s got the next unit over.
We unload the truck, lock the door, and head down to the bar.
“To Bob!” we shout, and we drink.
Plant-based
Ted’s doctor ran a few tests, and the numbers weren’t great.
“You’re fat and your cholesterol is too high,” said the doctor. “You need to go on a plant-based diet.”
Ted started a food diary.
Every time he ate an animal-based product, he’d buy a plant-based substitute for it the next time he went to the store.
After a year, he lost a lot of weight, his numbers were much better, and he felt great.
Until the heart attack that killed him.
Three weeks after the funeral, Ted’s grave began to sprout something.
The cemetery gardeners pulled up the weeds.