Our country is in trouble.
Budget problems, and politicians unwilling to face them.
They form committees… supercommittes, but nothing happens.
That’s when we sent in a team of chefs.
The chefs took one look, grabbed the books, and threw out the cooks trying to cook them.
After washing the fudge off of the numbers, they brought in masseuses to massage the numbers to get them to relax.
The ugliest of the numbers were sent to a beauty salon to make as nice as they could.
Finally, the numbers were released…
And they ran for the hills as our country collapsed.
Tag: commentary
The King Of Trashland
Out by the dump, there’s a team of those Green Energy scientists laying down tarps, hooking up pipes to a Methane collection system to generate energy for the town.
However, after getting bitten by rats and dogs a few too many times, the scientists have gone a bit funny in the head, and they’ve arranged the pipes and trash into a massive fort, topped by flamethrower turrets.
Anyone carting stuff out to the dump now has to pay The King Of Trashland a tribute, like a bag full of Big Macs, or sneakers.
I knew we should have gone solar.
Greeters
Most Wal-Mart greeters are extremely old people dressed in a bright company shirt who wave a hand and smile and welcome you to Wal-Mart.
It’s a job that could be done with a sign or a robot, but the old people turn out to be cheaper.
Especially if you only hire them for a few weeks as a “greeter contractor” so you don’t have to pay them health benefits.
Sure, it’s rather scummy, using them up and tossing them aside, but in Wal-Mart’s defense, it does get boring seeing the same old old person there at the door, greeting me.
Ukrid The Wise
What makes Ukrid The Wise so wise?
He surrounds himself with many wise men, of course.
Whenever he needed to make a decision, he asked the wiser men surrounding him, and they shared their wisdom with him.
Then, in spite of the sage advice, he would make a decision so outrageous, it would annoy the hell out of the people affected by it.
They’d call for his death, and a few brave souls would come after Ukrid with axes and arrows.
Then, Ukrid would cower behind his circle of wise men, letting them take the blows until his guards arrived.
Fighters
After the revolution, the transitional government sent some of their wounded fighters to an American hospital for treatment and rehabilitation.
While the patients healed up, the hospital offered television and newspapers from their homeland, and the kitchen prepares meals of pita bread and olives instead of the usual bland fare with lime Jell-O the other patients get.
Even though they had an interpreter, yellow sticky notes were placed on various items to help the patients learn some basic English words.
As a prank, some notes were switched.
The nurse listened, nodded and smiled. “I guess television is a toilet everywhere.”
Tough Break
They say Harvard is tough, but I learned medicine at the Jersey School For Doctors.
Doc Fontanelli asks the class what’s the difference between a twist, a sprain, dislocation, and a break.
The students, they all got their combs out, did their hair, checked the cigarettes rolled up in their sleeves.
So Doc grabs Vinnie by the arm with both hands, gives it a yank, and Vinnie goes down with a yell.
“That’s a dislocated shoulder,” says Doc.
He proceeds to twist Vinnie’s elbow, sprain his wrist, and break his nose.
“The nose ain’t a bone,” moans Vinnie.
A plus.
Artists
We name our office printers after artists.
Matisse was very slow and you can see the dots in the rendering.
Pollock was just downright messy, leaking ink all over the place.
Van Gogh would cut off every so often.
Warhol never got many print jobs, but it served as an excellent copier.
Renoir’s colors were far too bright, and it cost us a fortune.
Breughel and Bosch were a nightmare to set up and keep running.
And the less said about Mapplethorpe, the better, okay?
In the end, we gave up and sent all of our print jobs to Kinko’s.
Love of Money
The state quarters program was a hit with collectors, so The Mint tried it with presidents and dollar coins.
That program wasn’t a hit, and not only did warehouses fill up with uncirculated presidential dollar coins, but the bill that funded the program required that Sacagawea dollar coins be produced, too.
Also unwanted, helping fill up the warehouses faster.
This program went on for years, wasting money, until a radio show exposed the waste and Congress de-authorized the program, halting production.
Deep in the warehouses, an old Scottish duck climbs a shelf and swan dives into the pile, laughing hysterically.
Franchise Orgy
Okay, so Ronald McDonald opened up his house to families with children receiving critical medical treatment, but have you ever heard about the wild parties at his apartment in the city?
Yeah, I got photos and videos.
Ronald and the Burger King double-teaming Wendy.
The Colonel giving head to Carl, and the Taco Bell dog humping everybody’s leg.
And Jack… well, you can guess what Jack was doing.
They’ve offered me free food for the tapes and the memory cards, but, there’s no way I’d do that.
Not after what I saw them do with those burgers at the party.
Referrals
I asked the witch doctor, and he sent me to a fortune teller.
I asked the fortune teller, and she suggested I consult a mountaintop guru.
I climbed the mountain and asked the guru, and he handed me a Ouija board.
I checked with the Ouija board, and it told me to refer to the I Ching.
I tossed the bones and looked them up in the I Ching, and they said I should use a Magic 8 Ball.
I shook the Magic 8 Ball and it said “Answer Hazy, Try Again Later.”
That’s how much my employer’s HMO sucks.